I think your gut is speaking to you very strongly, and in those times it is so important to listen to it. It sounds like you're not ready now. That doesn't mean you won't be ready in the future. I agree that you aren't your parents and won't necessarily have the same experiences, but a crucial aspect of a committed marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is excellent conflict management and communication skills. It sounds like these weren't modeled to you particularly well as a child. Perhaps you and your DP can get pre-marriage counselling to ensure you have the same expectations and to give you/both of you some tools that you feel you may be lacking?
Good luck with your decision, and you absolutely don't have to go through with it just because you've said yes.
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26-09-2013 12:46 #11
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26-09-2013 12:54 #12
I can understand how you feel. My parents were never married, and I don't personally believe in marriage myself, I've never seen a marriage I look up to TBH.
In the 14 years my ex and I were together he proposed twice, and I turned him down both times, marriage just isn't necessary in my book. I felt that he had fairytale images of marriage which didn't fit with my world view.
That being said, I don't see that your financial situation precludes marriage if that is what you decide to do, getting married can be as inexpensive as you choose to make it, if you are into the whole 'huge wedding' thing, then yes, definitely a good idea to wait.
I'd say that you need as much time as you need to make a decision about this, don't be railroaded into it because of 'his needs' you may come to decide it is a good thing to do, you may decide against, and that is entirely your right. Take your time, don't panic, this is YOUR life, do what's right for YOU.
If I'm not sure about something, then I do nothing, I just wait, and let things settle, let them percolate, and the right answer always comes, just in its own time. Never fails, don't be rushed into anything.
Just because he suggests something doesn't automatically mean you need to suspend your feelings and beliefs on the subject for his sake.
Last edited by MilkingMaid; 26-09-2013 at 12:57.
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26-09-2013 13:03 #13
I was 22 when my parents got married, they had a long engagement because their first attempt at a wedding never happened due to floods and my mother took that as a sign they weren't meant to rush into it, so if you really don't feel comfortable saying "I do" yet then don't. No one can make you do something your not ready for and there is nothing wrong with a long engagement.
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26-09-2013 13:24 #14
Cause for me I see it as things will change & it's just a piece of paper at the end of the day
Negative way to look at it I know but. I don't wanna be a door mat like my mother & don't want to repeat parents mistakes.
I asked DP why he was keen to get married& his response was " want to spend the rest of our lives together". Asked why that meant marriage & he said it doesn't but he'd like to celebrate our bond
Have told him I'm not ready to get married just yet a long engagement would be better & would prefer to wait a few yrs n take things as they come.
26-09-2013 14:55 #15
I think it's very normal to have a bit of an aversion to marriage if you have been surrounded and negatively effected by bad marriage choice of others!
I think in the fact that you are not having doubts about your partner but are just not seeing the point of marriage for marriage sakes is fine, if you had reservations about your partner I would say don't do it. But it just seems you don't see the point, I feel exactly the same way.
I would talk it over with my partner though, if it was something he really wanted to do and I had no doubts about him, I would probably do it.
Just talk it over with him
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26-09-2013 15:37 #16
Just a tip if you go decide to go the plunge, a wedding doesn't have to break the bank- you can do it cheap without being cheap! We had it at lunch as it was substantially cheaper, and no "extras"- no bridesmaids, professional photography/hair/make up, no cake or silly table decorations, invites bought at aldi. Just made sure there was plenty of good food and BOOZE and nobody gave a toss lol.
With all the money given as gifts we actually came out ahead (including the honeymoon!)... We joked we should get married every year lol
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26-09-2013 16:04 #17Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
You have had a lot of issues in your relationship which may be adding to the hesitation. Go with your initial gut feeling. As someone has said if you do decide to get married it doesn't have to be expensive.
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27-09-2013 06:36 #18
Hi, just thought I would give you my experience with marriage. My parents split before I was 3 and no extended family had ever been married so it never rated high on my list of things to do. My DH and I were together almost 8 years and with 2 children when we eloped! And to be honest it was the best decision ever. We had a lot of time to grow and sort out our relationship before taking the plunge. Since being married( almost 2 years) I feel more equal, so much more committed and HAPPY! As it turns out its not just a piece of paper to me, as I have been told my entire life.
So my advice would be take your time, do it when your both finally ready. Good luck
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27-09-2013 07:25 #19
My parents split when I was 20yo and they were not happy for ages. But that didn't sway me from getting married.
For me, to live with someone and have children I had to be married to them.
But everyone has a different perspective. What will marriage bring you OP?
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27-09-2013 08:56 #20
Not sure what marriage will bring to me we've been together 5 yrs 2 kids n live together I already know his family love & accept me & guess I kinda see it as a pointless waste of $ and also afraid it will fail as I've seen so many marriages around me fail
my sister told me it shouldn't change things n the wedding just is a celebration of bond kinda thing.
It is important to DP but I'm not gunna sacrifice my feelings just because he feels it's important. That's why I've told him I wanna wait atleast 2 yrs before we get married
With getting married comes finances stress & name changes. Which ill be giving my DS the option of wether he wants to keep my last name or take DP last name & if he chooses to keep my last name I will too.
I dunno I'm a lot calmer about it today after talking to my BFF about it all n going to try take it as it comes kinda thing
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