Ok so few weeks ago DP proposed I hesitated but said yes. I do love him & we have children together but why did I hesitate.
The whole thought of marriage & happily ever after is something I never thought I'd get I've always felt ill end up old alone & bitter
my parents divorced when I was 4 my mother & I don't talk she's always been very spiteful & run down my dad to me & my brother & after watching her go through boyfriend after boy friend n then marrying her ex husband & staying with him for 10 yrs n ignoring the abuse me & my brother copped & being a submissive door may & allowing herself & us as kids to be treated worse than dirt by that man finally growing a pair & leaving him & then another string of deadbeat boyfriends I feel like ill repeat her foot steps
I haven't had any good marriage role models except my grandparents & no idea how to keep a relationship going long term I'm just winging it.
So today DP asks if we wanna set a date for wedding & suggests next year & I freak out & feel like it's rushing into it & 5 million other thoughts.
Aren't I supposed to want this happily ever after marriage kids etc
I feel like why do I have to get married why can't just stay engaged n commited relationship ?
. Seriously feel like What's wrong with me ?
Any input or advice would be great
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26-09-2013 12:50 #1
26-09-2013 13:04 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2009
I am biassed and think that marriage is an archaic tradition and one I would rather died out. . . . . . . . . . .. . .. . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . I would strongly suggest both of you making wills and enduring powers of attorney so that neither of you are inadvertently disadvantaged in the face of unexpected tragedy. Just look to the marriage equality lobby to see what needs to be protected. . . . . . . . . . .. . .. . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . I think you need to sit down with your partner and have a frank discussion about what marriage means to each of you. It sounds like to you it seems to be the "beginning of the end". . . . . . . . . . .. . .. . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . But of course you need to consider your partners views. Is he suggesting this simply because it is expected, or is it something that is very important to him?
Last edited by sweetseven; 26-09-2013 at 13:28. Reason: added . . . to represent paragraph breaks that vanished.
26-09-2013 13:06 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
Have you told your DP all of what youve written above?
If you know you want to be with him, and you think that marriage should be forever, perhaps going to a counsellor would help, to try and move on from what you experienced through your parents's marriages.
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26-09-2013 13:13 #4
There is nothing wrong with you. Given your past experiences and what you have seen marriage to be it's not surprising that you see it negatively. But marriage doesn't have to be that way. That's the BEST part about it, it is you and one other person (that you have chosen) and you make the rules together. You determine together what you want for your lives, your relationship and then everything else that falls in amongst and around that. If that doesn't involve the official tying of the knot then that's what you decide together as well. Have faith in your partnership, you share children together so there is huge trust already within each other. And the first step is to just talk about what you're thinking and feeling. - joys of a partnership of any kind - you work it out as a team. *hugs*
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26-09-2013 13:15 #5
My parents were together 14 years got married stayed together for 3 and it burnt to hell. DH and I have been together for 6 years married for 2 but when he first asked I freaked. Bad omen nuh let's just keep on going how were going on. He convinced me that we were not my parents nor his and he would not ask If he didnt mean forever I jumped all in from then.
May I suggest being open with your feelings with your dp like I did with mine.
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26-09-2013 13:25 #6
Firstly, correct me if I'm wrong, but given your other posts about finances I'd think you have a very practical reason to delay any wedding plans. Get that bit sorted first.
Secondly, talk to your DF about why he feels the need for the perceived commitment of marriage. Does he feel your relationship lacks security, does he worry that you don't know how much he loves you and wants to show that, or any other number of reasons.
I had been married before when I met DH and was not keen to remarry. I knew a wedding didn't make a good relationship. But it was really important to DH that we got married, so I did it for him.
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26-09-2013 13:28 #7
Are you sure is not your relationship rather than marriage you feel hesitate about?
26-09-2013 13:34 #8
Given your experiences with the past its understandable how you feel towards marriage. My husband and I didn't married until after 11 years together and we both had happily married parents and we were still a bit freaked out!
Seriously though it sounds like this may mean a lot though to your partner and its something he wants. If you're happy to spend the rest of your life with him then maybe it's time to be brave- and just because marriage didn't work for your parents is no indication of your relationship!!! And counselling is always a good option should you feel it would help. You deserve to be happy!
Personally, getting married was the best thing DH and I ever did, it makes things much more simple as a family unit and it is a great feeling of stability.
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26-09-2013 13:34 #9
Thanks everyone I've kind told him n he's like I'm not suggesting tomorrow maybe next yr I told him no I wanna be financially better off than the rut we are stuck in ATM & I'm so scared of repeating my mothers footsteps. An I think the bit that get me most is my mother ex made us call him dad& then when they split I've not heard from him ever since & he remarried like a yr later like the marriage itself holds no value. I dunno if that makes sense. Ill ask DP. If he wants to get married for him n his own reasons or if he feels it's just expected
Feel like I'm having a mid life crisis depression is getting the worst of me today
26-09-2013 13:44 #10
You are doing the right thing. Important factor of marriage is communication, and the best way to start it, is to keep everything flowing. You need to know how he feels, and vice versa. Then go from there.
As for not having any real marriage success stories in your life. I think a great portion of us can relate.
My mum and dad seperated when I was 6, and my mum became a very bitter woman, and always ran down my dad, and my dad used to play off our emotions.
My Dh's family, there is no successful marriage, his grandparents were married 4 times each!
WE both said to each other, that we were going to learn from their mistakes, and be everything our families aren't.
Been together for 10yrs and been married for 6 and a half years now. Thats longer then most celebrates.
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