my relationship with my bf has been deteriorating ever since we had our child who is now 15 months. Today he said he wanted to break up and I am quite devastated about it.
He feels like I put my child and work first and my relationship last. Let me explain our situation for you to understand. I commute 1 hr to work and back, by the time I we get home its 6:30pm - I have to give my baby dinner, prepare things for childcare the next day, give my baby a bath, have some play time with her and by 8:30pm try to put her to bed. So from the minute I get home I am running around trying to get everything done before her bedtime. Every now and then he will give her a bath but I have to dry and put her pj's on.
She sleeps in our room, we currently live with my mother in law and only have 1 room for the three of us. This of course has killed our sex life or any type of intimacy.
My boyfriend and I each prepare our own dinners, I am trying to lose weight so what we eat is different and since i am running around with baby I fit in dinner whenever I can, while he has his dinner later at night.
By 9:30pm I fall asleep, dead tired. He stays up until about 10:30 or 11 on the computer, so we don't even spend a bit of time together after bub is asleep either.
We cant do the things we used to because bub is in the room asleep and we cant have time together in the living room or any other area because my mother and father in law are there so its not like we are having some time "just for us".
We want to move out next year, for the time being we are saving money to get out of debt and move out soon.
so.. I don't know what to do to make him feel loved or cared for, I am so busy I feel like its impossible to fit in time for us or to focus on him.
He told me he didnt even feel physically attracted to me anymore, the lack of sex and my body being so different has killed that for him. I gained 40 kilos while pregnant. I've lost 30 kilos but my body is different, I cant fit in exercise during the week either.. so what am I supposed to do?!
any advice appreciated
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19-09-2013 08:30 #1Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
Wanting him to love me again...
19-09-2013 08:43 #2
Maybe if he helped you more in the evening you'd have more time to spend with him.
Could your inlaws take your lo for a few hours one night a week so you and your partner could go out to dinner and a movie or something ?
19-09-2013 08:47 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
That's tough to take. I know my relationship changed with dh so much after our 1st baby.
Can he help maybe pack the bag for tomorrow's day care, just little things like that?
Is it worth his mum and dad talking to him about his expectations and the reality of having kids?
I hope you work it out xo
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19-09-2013 08:48 #4
Oh honey. what a tough situation.
It is hard on any relationship to have no personal space which takes away your ability to be spontaneous. And add to that that you work full time with a big commute and it doesn't sound like he was giving you much help with your bub....what I am saying is there are a lot of pressures on your personally and on your relationship.
I have to say, for your bf to bail out on you and your relationship sounds like he is quite immature and selfish. It is so easy to say that your partner is not giving you the attention that you crave but if he was doing nothing to support you and lighten your load, you really don't have much left to give.
I think that you need to sit down and talk, find out if he is committed to your relationship, work out a plan where you are sharing the work load, and maybe talk about having some alone time where your family watch your bub so you can have a date night every week or so.
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19-09-2013 08:55 #5
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds tough but you sound like a wonderful mum so be proud if yourself.
It sounds like he is feeling left out and his ego is a little bruised. He doesn't sound like he is helping the situation though.
Can you guys try to have dinner together? Can you maybe do a bit of prep on the weekend and make some food to freeze?
Or once bubs is asleep go an invite him to come and be with you? Does he have a fav magazine? Could you get him a few and you get a book or magazine and just sit in bed and read together? Dim light so bubs doesn't wake up?
Can your in laws babysit so you can go see a movie together or go out to dinner?
Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?
19-09-2013 08:55 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
how any man can say they dont find you attractive after giving birth to their child is beyond me.... what a rude immature man.... sorry to be harsh but that is just so wrong....
I have lived with my inlaws when i had 2 kids- 2.5 yr old and a 9 week old and it was hell.. the 4 of us shared a room and it was awful but we spent alot of time NOT home.... perhaps a quiet word with your in laws may help? can you talk to them?
I hope it works out and im sorry your partner is being so awful...
19-09-2013 09:00 #7
I just re read your post and For the record, I feel it is completely unacceptable for him to say he doesn't feel physically attracted to you anymore. That's very hurtful. Especially if you are already body conscious
I'm not sure hun, do you want to be with someone who completely lacks compassion on your part and doesn't seem to care about making life easier for you?
Does he see how rundown you are? What time does he get home from work? (Or do you all go together?)
19-09-2013 09:39 #8
After reading everything you do for your little family every day I hope you never feel anything short of amazing, caring, dedicated and beautiful.
Last edited by RipperRita; 19-09-2013 at 09:42.
19-09-2013 09:42 #9
19-09-2013 09:47 #10
Could you guys try couples counselling? If you guys can get the communication flowing and sorting out some issues, you could try....
Sit together and write up a 'after work - bubs sleep time' routine, delegate half the chores to him, wont hurt him to get familiar with packing his DDs daycare bag etc, do bath time together (sometimes I sit in the bathroom with SO and SD3, its a lot of fun, we sing and be silly).
You live with your in-laws?? Ask them if they can watch bubs for a couple hours so you and your BF can go on a 'date', movie, bowling, dinner, private spa etc etc.
Both of you write a list of 10-20 things (you guys decide how many) that the other could do for you that you will enjoy. Each day you and your BF could do one or two things from the list. The 'things' should be a) positive. b) specific. c) small. d) something that is not related to a recent conflict. eg;
Ask how I spent the day and listen.
Offer to make me a hot drink.
Hold my hand when we go for walks.
Massage my shoulders.
Let me have an early night after a hard day of work.
Allow me to sleep in one w/e morning.
Cook a meal we both like and eat together.
Pay me a compliment.
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