Without going into any back story or a huge amount of context I'm wondering if this situation is as bad as it felt to me and my dh at the time. It isn't resolved and the further we get from it the more we worry we are crazy (his parents are fabulous at making us feel that way!)
So- soon after DD (IL's first grandchild) they informed us they had booked an overseas holiday over her first birthday. We were both upset (mainly because the constant pressure was on for them to be a massive part of her life, often to our/other family/ friends expense) but figured it is their choice and let it go. Leading up to their departure, they started to say we HAD to have her first birthday party before they left (over a month before her birthday). We didn't think that was reasonable so we said no. We wanted her birthday to be celebrated on her birthday! It was our first child and her first birthday. It was important to us. I explained this to them, dh backed me up, they didn't like it but said nothing more.
Fast forward to the day before they leave. I had recently returned to work (something I hated, being away from my first bubba and missing out on things!!) and they had formed a habit of coming over while I was at work (they don't like me at all). They came over whileI was at work and threw her a party, sang happy birthday, gave her birthday cake, blew out candles with her, gave her presents and took photos. Dh was so stunned by it all, and kinda let it happen knowing I'd be devestated and being pretty upset himself!! He called me when they left to tell me and apologised profusely for not stopping it. I was heartbroken. I'd missed what I thought were really important milestones/events, I felt like they stole them from me. It was hard enough being away from her at work, but to completely disregard me saying no to a party before her birthday and steal all those firsts from me when I wasn't there...
So I texted MIL, told her it had really upset me and asked her not to post the pics all over fb. She ignored me and rang my dh, who said she had to address it with me, not ignore me, but that he supported me 100% and completely understood what I was feeling and was upset by their actions too. Long story short MIL lost it (she has...issues) and got all the extended family involved (who attacked us basically because they only ever here her side of things!) and then ****ed off overseas. The harrassment by the extended family continued while they were away, telling us we were awful people and saying no to the IL's was akin to 'a court ordered custody arrangement' (WTF??) etc etc.
They came back from their holiday, and dh texted them and asked that they not come straight over, but to give us a little space to try figure out where to go from here, because we were still upset that it wasn't resolved and then got worse while they were away. They haven't spoken to us since.
We really don't know what to do. They ignored us before we had DD, but since she came they want to take over our lives. They have done awful things over and over in her 14 months. It is just so hard. First example was after a traumatic 33 hour labour resulting in emergency c section, we txted them to let them know DD was here but asked for no visitors until DH said it was ok. Within an hour from being back from recovery, during rest time (door shut, light off, all of us asleep) the room was filled with his parents, grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins. Noone had asked dh. I was still naked under a blanket with drains and catheters everywhere and had only been with DD an hour. I was horrified
So because they aren't speaking to us, and because the family keeps attacking us about horrible we are, I guess we are starting to believe we are in the wrong? My gut says we aren't, but my head is clouded iykwim? I feel bad that DD hasn't seen them for months (not that she likes them, they are horrible with kids and often make her scream the refuse to give her to me for comfort)... I don't want to give in and go to them
Because they would take that as an apology and I don't think we have done anything wrong? I want them to ackowledge their behaviour, respect us and work with us in DD's life not just do whatever the hell they want all the time. Is that bad??
Sorry for the massive post... But- HELP!!
Me 27 + Him 28 =
#2 due 28.1.2014
6 angels loved and missed.
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18-09-2013 17:28 #1
Wondering if this IL situation is as upsetting and annoying as it feels...
18-09-2013 17:47 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2013
I am so sorry, but I don't think you are going to get what you want. So you both need to decide on something more important (even though you are hurt and this feels important please do not think I am in anyway saying it is not!)
Do you want your DD to have her Grandparents in her life? If so then you are going to have to be the bigger person and let it go, not accepting the behaviour or admitting they were right but just letting all that negative energy go and move on positively with your life.
I have people like this in my life, they will not apologise, or even see the wrong they have done to you let alone admit it, so don't waste your time thinking on it any more. Take the good and ditch the bad and enjoy YOUR little family. Guaranteed to have something similar happen in the future too and you need to have strategies in place to cope.
I would go ballistic as well. What they did was beyond inappropriate and hurtful, and then for the family to act like immature brats as well? I would tell them to grow up and act like the mature adults they are supposed to be and think about if it were THEIR child who was thrown a party without them? then hang up so I wouldn't have to get any more emotional and make things worse.... because really with an overly dramatic family like this that is all it would do, let me vent and then explode back in your face!
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, how annoying to be told that you may have to act like the grown up in the situation!
18-09-2013 17:51 #3
I think that you have every right to be upset about the situation.
As the parents of your beloved DD in my opinion what you and your DH say goes. She is your daughter and you make the rules. Simple as that.
Clearly the ILs have no regard or respect for you and your DH's wishes.
The situation sucks and I really feel for you. I hope that by some miracle the situation somehow improves over time.
Good luck and stick to your guns.
18-09-2013 17:57 #4-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
F@rk! You poor thing I definatley don't think you're in the wrong.
Parents/relatives that don't respect personal boundaries are a pet peeve of mine. It took quite a bit of work for me to set my parents straight, we still have occasional hiccups but all is good now. The key for me was to set personal boundaries and to be strict and consistent in enforcing them.
Regarding barging in the hospital so soon after you had bub when you told them to check first... I would have been furious! I made my hubby send out a message so no visitors until the 2nd day after.... And only after checking. If my inlaws or parents would have visited straight after I would have asked them to leave and called the midwife if they didnt. I'm not joking. I told my parents no overnight visitors at home a month before and a month after bubs due date. My father booked an 'appointment' in town and said he would be staying at my place a week after bub. I made him book a hotel.
As for the birthday thing I think your inlaws were overstepping the line and incredibly rude.
Where to go from here? I wouldn't contact the inlaws. Let them contact you and when they do be nice and don't dredge up the past.
But when the need arises set boundaries and be strict in following through. I think your hubby is trying hard now but he really needs to be strict in pulling your inlaws up as soon as they do something Inappropriate. They won't learn if your hubby continues to let them get away with things.
As for the other rellies don't buy into the petty biatching game. If someone says something to you just say "sorry you feel that way. If you would like to hear the other side of the story let me know." Then leave the ball in their court. Keep being mature, non biatchy and lead b example and they will soon learn he inlaws are the real troublemakers.
- I am ****ed off for you after reading your post!
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18-09-2013 18:08 #5
You know what, bugger them. How horrible can they be to their own son and his family. Honestly the longer they don't contact you the better. Look at all the things they aren't trying to control.
Seriously I would just move on. It's hard but until they realise that you are all human beings and not objects to control then best they stay away.
18-09-2013 18:23 #6
My inlaws are horrendous like that too. They are always trying to prove that my children love them more than me! They always try and take my babies away from me every chance they get. In their culture the elders are responsible for the grandchildren more so then the parents to a degree. I dread my kids birthdays as it is always a drama with them. So you have my sympathy.
Do what you feel is right in your heart. Don't let others cloud your judgement. You two are the parents!
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18-09-2013 18:24 #7
No you are not in the wrong. Everything you feel is perfectly reasonable imo and I would feel exactly the same in your situation.
18-09-2013 18:30 #8
OMG. I would be furious!!!!! I would find it very hard to accept this behavior. You need to maybe have a meeting with them explain clearly what is acceptable whats not. There will most likely be a massive fall out but then it's up to them to take it or leave it. No offense to your DH but maybe he needs to be a bit more assertive? There is no way my DH would have allowed that situation at her birth.
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18-09-2013 18:31 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
I would be LIVID!
A *** party behind your back? Was it just them or did they invite other people? Either way totally unacceptable.
This totally sounds like my MIL, and I too am the black sheep in the family.
I think as much as dh is on your side he needs to make more of a stance. Tell him to go over there and tell them the rules in person. They can't keep circumventing you just so they get what they want (my ILs also visit wen I'm not home).
You guys need to decide whether you should take a step back from them, and that includes not allowing them to visit for a while.
I must admit, between having my own issues with ILs including BIL, and reading these stories here, it's really making me upset. Why do some ILs treat their DILs like dirt? It's just not *** fair.
Hope things get better OP.
18-09-2013 18:59 #10
Oh my gosh thanks so much everyone. It is good to feel validated when they are so good at being the eternal victims and making us feel horrible.
I should have stated my dh has had it out with them time and time again. In every which way. Sitting down with them for a rational talk explaining every little thing, or just getting up them. It always ends with his mother saying he has to say he loves her or she will kill herself Like I said... Issues. She is really narcissistic, everything is about her. Her hubby goes along with it. She is FABULOUS at emotional manipulation and guilt.... She also never listens. Ever. Talks over you, ignores you. Either way. His dad is just as weird in different ways. They have no friends, burned all their bridges (except MIL's family, the ones who got involved). I only say all this to try stick up for my hubby, he has tried everything, we have tried everything. But they just keep doing things like this! And i guess dh finds it hard to be assertive when they spring stuff on you and it all kinda happens before you know it?? And when his objections are ignored and they keep on doing what they want to do regardless. Especially when DD was born and they walked in. We were SHATTERED. I don't think we could have told them to eff off if we tried iykwim? They do it on purpose I think? Attack when we are weak?
As for whether we want them in our lives- that is the continual question! They aren't nice people, they are weird, hard to get along with, so disrespectful... But they are dh's parents and the only ones he has. It seems like such a big call to cut them off. Even though we want to, even though it has been so nice not seeing them the last few months- we feel so guilty!
It is also all complicated by number 2 being due in January. I've pretty much decided that I won't tell them when the baby is born, I will tell them when I can cope with being inundated with visitors and blatant disrespect... Because no matter what we do or say, they'll do what they want. Unless we remain not speaking??? Maybe that is best. Does that make me awful?
It all just makes me feel like such a horrible person, and it makes my dh sad and angry so I feel extra guilty there! So hard!
Thanks for letting me 'write it out'. Thinking out loud I guess. All opinions and advice so welcome
Me 27 + Him 28 =
#2 due 28.1.2014
6 angels loved and missed.
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