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  1. #11
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    Force the fantasy!! Or at least use it as a training exercise... When you find yourself thinking about the coffee guy, roll with it for a while then replace the coffee guy with your partner Does it still work for you? If yes - gold! If not then you need to think about what shut it down for you.

    Quick question - is it necessary for you both to be working AND studying at the same time? Is it for the love of it or the promise of a better career? Or because you think you should be....?

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  3. #12
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    Sounds like you have both lost a bit of your own identity? And feel guilty for time spent on yourself? You owe it to your kids to have your own interests and passions and become more than a mother and partner. Sometimes time outside the family absolutely helps family relationships.
    Holidays are always a good idea too!
    If you have been together 8 years and have school age children did you have much quality time/memories before the kids came along? Maybe need to create more?! Good excuse to anyway

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  5. #13
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    I recently posted on another thread about a similar issue and I'll say the same thing here...

    There's a really good book I read a few years ago, and a friend of mine claims that it saved her marriage.
    It's called the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. It's a Christian book but can literally be read by anyone. It's basically about what sort of love we need as individuals and how to receive that from your partner. I think the languages are physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gift giving and words of affirmation. It's a really easy read and interesting at the very least!

    For example, my love languages are a combination of physical touch and quality time, whereas DH's are words of affirmation and acts of service. He feels love from me when I say he's doing a good job at whatever it may be (housework, his job), or just when I tell him what a great person he is, etc. He also loves it when I do the dishes but that's just cos I'm lazy & it doesn't happen very often, haha! On the other hand, he knows that he needs to make time for me and give me hugs and kisses or I'll get cranky. These are basic examples but its amazing how different things were once we figured out our languages (we read the book before we were married). People tend to treat their partner the way they'd like to be treated, but it's not the same for everyone.

    Hope this helps! And good luck! I wish you all the best.

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  7. #14
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    Talk to your husband. Set some goals together.

    One could be doing one nice thing for the other every day, and saying one nice thing.

    Flirt! Send a flirty text message a couple of times per week, and see if he reacts.

    Take the time twice a week to spend some time talking about what you would like to do in bed, then follow through.

    Try and get a baby sitter at least once a fortnight and go out alone, do something fun and interesting. Google interesting date ideas and take turns to plan the dates.

    Good luck.

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  9. #15
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    thank you all for your advice. I have lots of thinking to do. I will definitely talk to hubby tonight and see if we can find some way through this.

  10. #16
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    It sounds like you guys have waaaayyyyyy too much on your plate. Kids, work, study, the house. Can something give? Get a house cleaner? (Downsize in other areas so you can afford it)? How close are you to finishing studying?

    Are the kids in bed at a reasonable time (7:30) to give you and hubby time together?

    Can you designate one night each week for you and hubby? Eg Friday night no cleaning allowed, beans on toast for the kids for dinner, 7:30 bed for the kids and take away and a bottle of wine for you and hubby.

    Something's gotta give...

    Good luck!

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  12. #17
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    Some great ideas up there. If you try some of them I'm sure you will see a change. Making the time and effort are often the biggest challenge.

    One comment mentioned about different types of love or something. I liked what I read there and think it does explain things well. Never personally heard of the book before today. Researchers suggest there are some general differences between the sexes. I don't say this to start a dispute nor do I say it is absolute. From what I have read it seems generally women are stimulated by what they see but for a woman it might be touch, sound etc.

    When we DTD my DW likes to hear a story. A s3xy one. It does not matter to her whether it is about her or someone else. I find it hard to talk about someone else but that's just me. If I am ever finding it hard to get into the mood I just imagine some of the first times we were together. As I tell the story I get the visual stimulation and she gets the mental stimulation. That seems to work well for us.

    That takes me back to my 1st comment. Go back to what 1st did it for you. You can try to set the mood and get DH to tell you about one of those times. Maybe ask him to go into detail of a time he really enjoyed and remembered. That may do it for both of you. An important thing is to make the time for it. If you are both doing your thing - kids, study, TV, etc etc etc and dont go to bed together or one meets the other when you are really tired it wont help with the mood.

    I might 'accidentally' email a link to this thread to my DW


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

    turning wood into art

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  14. #18
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    Checking back in. Well I took on a lot of your suggestions in my own way and I think dp and I are on the right track now. We have decided to outsource some of the mundane house duties which I am thrilled about Looking for someone to do some of our weekday laundry, so that our evenings and weekends are not just a sea of washing and folding.. We have created a little calender where we schedule in some date nights, family outings and also I think importantly, some time with our own friends and our own interests etc. We are also going to make a study date every friday where we put the kids to bed early and have some take out and do some of our own work and help each other out. Last weekend I had my first girls night out in about a year I think. had a few too many drinks and caught up on lots of gossip and weirdly, it actually did make me think about my DP while I was out and I was sort of glad to be snuggled up in bed with him that night. I think it is going to take a lot of work for us to prioritise this stuff though. Dp already bailed on last Fridays study date (worked late and then was tired and went to bed lol) but we have a babysitter for this weekend just for the evening so we can go out, and we are really looking forward to it. So thanks again for all your suggestions

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  16. #19
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    Very cool. Glad u guys are working on it. There are always going to be interruptions but if you can work with your base schedule that will be great.

    Thx for the update.


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

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