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  1. #1
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    Default no romance.. how to fall back "in love"? help me out.

    I dont come here often but thought some other women who have been through the same may be able to relate. Go easy on me.
    My partner and I love each other a lot. We have been together 8 years, have a couple of kids who go to full time school and pre kindy. We both work and study so we are always very busy. We try as hard as we can to give what we can to the kids, doing reading and homework, going to sports and birthdays/playdates. It feels like there is rarely a quiet minute. when there is spare time, it's only because we really "should" be doing other things, like cleaning the constantly messy house or finishng an assignment.. I am sitting on the couch with my daughter at the moment while she watches telly and feel guilty because there is crap everywhere and I have so much that needs doing. We have a very equal marriage and I am glad to say my partner does his fair share of housework etc.
    somehow amongst everything and despite feeling lucky to have my partner, there is just no romance anymore. We dtd once or twice a week usually, same positions, we rush the foreplay because we are tired and want to fall asleep quickly sometimes my partner tries to make it last longer or spice things up and usually I honestly just cant be bothered I'm thinking in my head "Cmon, it's LATE, it will be just my luck one of the kids will wake up in 2 minutes, dont waste time.." sexy huh? Our house is also quite small and the kids are only a thin wall away.. I become really aware of how small our house is whenever we dtd.
    Its not just the bedroom stuff either.. its the romance and passion. I know logically he is my best friend, but I can't see the guy I wanted to jump on after a few days apart, and I cant even be bothered with snuggling. I want my own space. but even worse, I find myself fantasizing about complete strangers, like a cute guy who served me at a shop or something. Then I just feel guilty. I can't work out where the problem lies. Neither of us has any real social life, because we are so busy. I think sometimes if I got more ME time, I'd have more to give to him. Then I think thats an impossible scenario, because any time I take for me is just more time Im taking from our children or our marriage.
    So any advice at all?
    Im just really lost.

  2. #2
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    not a girl here,

    try to remember times when you first felt feelings for each other. Some of your first romantic times. Re-create these i your mind and try to bring them to life. Sometimes my DP says why cant it be like it used to be..... We have had 3 kids since we met.

    If you have family etc maybe the kids can have a night away and you can have some special partner time. It takes effort and can be hard to be spontaneous. Something we do do is have set bed times for the kids so we can have some us time in the evening.


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

    turning wood into art

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  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveTTC View Post
    not a girl here,

    try to remember times when you first felt feelings for each other. Some of your first romantic times. Re-create these i your mind and try to bring them to life. Sometimes my DP says why cant it be like it used to be..... We have had 3 kids since we met.

    If you have family etc maybe the kids can have a night away and you can have some special partner time. It takes effort and can be hard to be spontaneous. Something we do do is have set bed times for the kids so we can have some us time in the evening.


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

    turning wood into art
    Thanks, it is good to get a male perspective. Yes, it's hard for us to get an actual whole night off. my mum is a full time carer and my in laws still have several teenaged children (big family) and havent been very interested in having the kids over night. Something we have managed a few times is a night out to the movies. I suppose we could park the car somewhere private on the way home You are right it does take effort and unfortunately we have found ourselves continuously prioritising everything ahead of our relationship.

  5. #4
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    I don't have a lot time now so i will be back to talk in more length.

    Please know that this is totally normal in a long term relationship and Both you can do things to fix it.

    I will be back with some hints and tips that have helped us when we are run down.

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  7. #5
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    Can you try taking a family holiday? Even if you go and stay somewhere half an hour away for a weekend..
    That is a godsend to dh and I. We are similar to you and your dh in the fact that we both work full time, and have other jobs/ study plus a child. This weekend just gone I was constantly doing things the entire weekend with no space or downtime before work today. I find that I get resentful when this happens. But yeah, dh and I will go out for dinner or stay in the city or somewhere for a night or two (with ds) every few months. It gets us out of the house and away from the distraction of cleaning etc. I know you still have to do it when you get home but it doesn't seem as bad..


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  9. #6
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    family holiday would be nice. I get so fed up with our little place. I can see all the annoying things that need fixing or sorting. I think id want to stay somewhere with a bedroom reeeeeally far away from the kids .

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    weekend away is a great idea. We try and go away twice a year and we stay in cabins (often at caravan parks) so that we have our own rooms! own room is VITAL.

    Other than that...try and do little things for each other...little things can make a huge different.

    Little presents for each other for example.

    ANother idea...get a cleaner as a treat while you are away on your weekend...come home to a clean and tidy house is great...i do this when we go away at christmas lol

    Can you trade baby sitting with a friend? even during the day...go out for a nice picnic together or do something "you used to do before kids".

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  12. #8
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    I think it happens in every marriage, don't think you're the only one! or that its a terrible thing and feel bad for it, it's life it takes over at least you two are in it together and sounds like you're in a loving partnership.
    I would suggest the book "the love dare" you don't have to do the dares (I didn't) but just to read thought it and take in some suggestions and observations might be helpful, it was for me. For example I realized I spent more time on my outfit hair and make up when I was going to visit a friend or when I was going to do the groceries than when I was going somewhere with DH, what does that say? Why would I do that? When my DH is the most important person and I should really do the opposite. It's a silly thing but it made me realize how I saw DH as an extension of myself instead of the cherished partner he should be... and after some time of making an effort he started noticing and things rolled from there. sorry I mumbled away a bit!!!

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  14. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by ciaomamma View Post
    I think it happens in every marriage, don't think you're the only one! or that its a terrible thing and feel bad for it, it's life it takes over at least you two are in it together and sounds like you're in a loving partnership.
    I would suggest the book "the love dare" you don't have to do the dares (I didn't) but just to read thought it and take in some suggestions and observations might be helpful, it was for me. For example I realized I spent more time on my outfit hair and make up when I was going to visit a friend or when I was going to do the groceries than when I was going somewhere with DH, what does that say? Why would I do that? When my DH is the most important person and I should really do the opposite. It's a silly thing but it made me realize how I saw DH as an extension of myself instead of the cherished partner he should be... and after some time of making an effort he started noticing and things rolled from there. sorry I mumbled away a bit!!!
    Yes I think I do see him as an extension of myself really. I think in many ways I now see him in the friend role, the Dad role, and I do see us as a partnership.. but kind of more like a business partnership. We run the house, divide the workload, and keep things going.. but I have stopped seeing him as my lover I guess :/ It really has begun to worry me that I can so easily create a fantasy in my head about some hot guy on the beach, but cant find that anymore for him But I know I want to

  15. #10
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    I just wanted to offer some big hugs . - - -

    I think the ideas about trying to get away as a couple or family are great, just a change of scenery and opportunity to do something different.
    Last edited by babycart; 16-09-2013 at 19:40.

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