Just wondering how everyone else is managing the stress of trying to conceive?
My husband and I have been married for two years and TTC for over a year now. The pressure of trying month after month and being disappointed while everyone around us falls pregnant so easily is really starting to affect me whereas he seems so casual about it all....He also has a very relaxed approach to intimacy and a low drive. He doesn't want to seek medical help although we had some basic tests done through the GP who said there were no obvious problems. We don't talk about it anymore and after wanting a baby for so long I'm suddenly questioning everything and wondering if I want one with him and if our marriage can survive this?!
Everything else is good and I do love him...but I'm just missing the intimacy and passion and feeling like the longer we try to conceive the more distance there is between us. Am I the only one feeling like this?
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03-09-2013 19:42 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
TTC - impact on marriage
03-09-2013 20:16 #2
TTC is tough on a marriage, especially when it's not working.
Your DH sounds a bit like my DH! He use to complain I was just using him to have a baby and it definitely affected our intimacy. I also know my DH internalised a lot of his feelings, it hurt him so much to see me sad, especially when he couldn't see a way to help me.
My DH increased his intimacy needs by taking some herbal supplements, they also help to improve sperm quality.
My advice is to be open & honest about your feelings, clearly state that you do not place any blame on him, you are in it together and need to be each other's soft place to fall.
I had 2 miscarriages before DD1 and it took 4yrs to conceive her, DD2 was born 8yrs later thanks to IVF. We've spent a lot of time on TTC train & it is tough! Big hugs to you, xxx
04-09-2013 14:11 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
Trust me you are NOT alone! We have been together for 8 years, married for 5 and TTC for nearly 2 years now.
We weren't particularly for or against having children initially and over time we starting thinking that we wanted them. Then we started trying. For the first 6 months or so we weren't particularly concerned about it because we hadn't been putting too much thought into timing or anything, but after that we decided if nothing had happened by a year we would go see someone, although it took a lot of convincing for me to go.
I have found the whole process of seeing a FS very confronting and invasive and have emotionally struggled with it a lot . My husband is trying to be supportive, in his own way, but I think he is finding it difficult to understand how I feel being poked and prodded and having blood taken etc. I also think he is struggling watching me go through all of it.
It has certainly taken it's toll on our marriage. I know I'm pushing him away when I really want him next to me the whole time. For us, it has been important to be open with each other when we are having a tough time and it has been particularly important for us to set out our boundaries as we go along in terms of how much treatment we are willing to go for to have a baby. These conversations didn't happen in one sitting, they happened over time, when one or both of us was ready to make a comment or ask questions of the other. We have developed a bit of a code for when I'm being irrational (hormones!). We agreed on a few words and sentences he could use to let me know he knew I wasn't myself and so that I knew to calm down! But it took a few epic battles to get us there...
Figure out how and when you guys best communicate. Or do what my husband does, makes little comments every now and then until a whole picture is built up! I found telling my husband what I needed from him (it changes depending on how I'm feeling) has worked well.
04-09-2013 14:20 #4
Big big hugs, I can guarantee that you aren't alone in feeling this way.
I know that I am no longer ttc as we have been blessed with our bfp but we did go through some really difficult times.
We knew quite early in our relationship that we were going to need assistance to fall pregnant so didnt really think much about it until we had made a decision on our one year wedding anniversary to start trying for a family. Over two years of fertility treatment later we finally achieved our dream.
During those two years we had our ups and our downs, we had disagreements and days where we didnt speak to each other. It was 18 months into our ttc journey that we finally spoke to each other properly about how we were feeling.
Because i was the one with the fertility issue, i felt like i was experiencing everything on my own. I was the one having the injections and the hormone replacements and the blood tests and the scans, but he was right there beside me at every single appointment and i neglected to acknowledge that he was experiencing it all too. He was feeling my pain but didnt know what to do to help me feel better.
Talking to each other is the one thing that made us both realise that we need to keep our communication channels open. That is the one piece of advice i can give you. Make sure you are both communicating with each other and discussing how you are feeling and taking each other into consideration.
Ttc is hard i have my that you will get your bfp soon.
05-09-2013 05:53 #5Junior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
Thanks everyone. Just good to vent sometimes. Trying to stay positive :/
05-09-2013 08:32 #6
Sorry I haven't read thru. Has he had a sperm analysis? The reason I ask is because when my dh had his done, and it came back ok, he seemed a lot happier and we ended up conceiving the next month after 11 cycles and a miscarriage before that at 9 weeks
It is so much harder that I ever imagined.
Last edited by Kazza78; 05-09-2013 at 08:35.
24-09-2013 11:30 #7
Hi Flicka. We're coming up 10 months now, so not even very long really and it just gets harder and harder with every negative. Hubby is pretty good, he's trying really hard and getting involved, but he hates seeing me upset and pretends like its ok and tries to stay positive for me, which makes me feel even worse. He gets upset with me being upset, and I know he means well with the things he says, but I'm finding myself resenting him for saying them. Things like, stop putting yourself under so much pressure, it'll happen when it's meant to, you need to relax etc. I see so many people who struggle for so long, I can't help but start feeling pessimistic about it not happening because relaxing doesnt make people pregnant. It's very difficult and I feel so alone, but I know hes trying to make me feel better. But we love each other and will get through it - baby or no baby.
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