Can someone please give me a bit of advice before I return DDs fathers call.
DD is 2.5 and has seen her bio father once since she was 10 months old, he lives interstate. The last month or two he's been calling occasionally to talk to her but she doesn't really know who he is, I've tried explaining it the best I can but she never wants to speak to him on the phone.
Anyway he emailed me this morning asking if him and his girlfriend (whom DD has never met) can come over for a weekend to see her. He CCd his girlfriend in on this email.
This is the girl he was cheating on me with. I'm not so concerned about my feelings, I am wondering if him and his girlfriend turning up as 2 virtual strangers to DD is in her best interests? If he wants to start building a relationship with DD I think that's good but surely he'd work on that first before bringing the girlfriend?
This is also the girlfriend who has apparently 'banned' him from seeing DD.
I really don't know what to do/tell him??
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02-09-2013 11:51 #1
Help - Interstate Bio Father wants DD to meet his GF
02-09-2013 12:11 #2
I think the father should be making an effort to establish a relationship with his DD. There is no need to bring his gf into it at this stage.
Do you think he will want to maintain a relationship with your DD?
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02-09-2013 12:35 #3
If he has only bothered to see his daughter once in almost 2 years then there is no way I'd be allowing him to bring his gf over OP! He would be welcome to see his daughter but he has a whole lot of ground to make up, and has not been a parent so has no parental rights at this point. I'd be insisting on some quality one-on-one time with DD before he introduces his gf. He needs to gradually become a trusted person and father to your DD and that's a long and gradual process. So no way would I be allowing him to involve his gf yet.
If his gf is a major influence over his life with DD (or lack of) so far, then he completely has his priorities wrong as he is a grown adult and is able to choose his own priorities, which hasn't been DD so I'd be reminding him of that if he gets narky with you. You control the situation OP, you're the parent here
02-09-2013 12:38 #4
I would email him a reply and say that you are pleased he is wanting to establish a relationship with dd, but that it needs to happen slowly and without the girlfriends involvement to begin with. There is no way I would agree to the girlfriend being there until dd was comfortable around her father.
02-09-2013 13:25 #5
Thanks everyone! I just wanted to make sure my own personal feelings towards him weren't clouding my judgement. I agree 100% that he should be building a relationship with DD first. He hasn't visited her at all since we've lived in different states, I took her to see him at Xmas last year, that's it. I'm really unsure if he wants to be permanently involved in DDs life, he's quite unstable and never does things he says he's going to so I'm hesitant to believe it will be an ongoing thing. I'm a bit worried about how he'll react, I can't imagine he'll be very happy but not much I can do about that I guess.
13-09-2013 06:43 #6
It is an awkward decision especially with the history.
End of the day how often do we introduce our children to people we they do not know. Do we only let them meet one person in a relationship because two is too much to handle.
Sadly where contact is concerned sometimes more damage is done than good.
If DD's dad wants to make contact and establish a relationship that is an excellent thing so long as there is no significant risk issues
Risks are something you have to establish and I am posting on the assumption there are no significant risks.
If he has a gf, however awkward this may be, she is a part of his life and it is inevitable she could become a part of DD's. I would just let it happen. I have had many people come in and out of the lives of my children ... I dont think it has done any damage, if anything it has been good for them. There are always risks and it is sad to see things made hard for people and others to miss out for a potential risk that often proves to have been fine
Dave The Turning Cowboy
turning wood into art
13-09-2013 06:45 #7
And it is a sort of 'in your face' to the gf who stopped contact
Dave The Turning Cowboy
turning wood into art
13-09-2013 07:10 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
I wouldn't expect a two year old to have a phone conversation with someone she doesn't know ( or someone she does sometimes!) I'd ask him to provide photos or send letters on an ongoing basis to help introduce him and to test his commitment. I don't really think it matters if the Gf is there or not but him appearing and reappearing randomly throughout your daughters life will be very confusing. As the previous poster said we can meet people intermittently in our lives and not see them again but the way children internalize this is completely different to parents friends or distant relatives than parents.
13-09-2013 08:22 #9
I remember being 6 or 7 when dad met my step-mother and suddenly alone time with dad be ame almost non-existent. That was the end of my close relationship with dad. I always had a relationship with my dad though, but this child hasn't, and alone time with him is crucial IMO if he wants to establish a relationship at this point. How is this child meant to get to know her dad with the gf always present and coming between them? The child will resent it and they won't ever get that level of intimacy between a parent and child.
23-09-2013 13:45 #10Senior Member
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- Oct 2009
Agreed with the last response. I witnessed the emotional gap widen drastically between ex and our kids (esp the eldest) when their dad started seeing someone- not simply because he was in a relationship, but because he immediately moved this person into his home and stopped spending time with the kids alone. He basically went from regularly taking them out, playing with them etc to staying home, hardly leaving the house while they were in his care, and only taking them anywhere when the GF went with them. (Before anyone asks how I know, it's through what the kids tell me, what I see and through mutual friends.) If this guy hasn't seen his daughter for- well, ever by the sounds of it- I agree, he should be making an effort to get to know her by himself before bringing some girlfriend into it. She could be gone anytime, but he will be her parent forever. I disagree that it's good for kids to have random people coming and going out of their lives all the time...if this is the first time he's actually initiated contact with his child and he has to bring the girlfriend along, that seems to say that his priorities are somewhat out of whack to me. I really don't understand why guys always have to involve their gfs in everything so soon. Are they just unable to cope with parenting truly on their own?
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