I like Lillynix's view in theory but think it would not work in many circumstances. It sounds like her partner doesn't work excessive hours - is this the case?
I think it's unfair to expect anyone to work 12 hours at an office or wherever and then come home and do a couple more hours domestic work. Unless of course the other parent is doing that much work too, which could happen if you had a lot of kids or did some unpaid/volunteer work or something. But I'm sure we will all agree that at least some part of a SAHM's day involves coffee with friends, sometimes TV while baby naps, surfing the net. And that's awesome!
Getting a break at work from the kids and getting to go to the toilet and eat in peace doesn't make going to work easier. Whenever that is mentioned I think well what about the stresses of that persons job?! I know mine has its own and some would have way more. It's draining and exhausting. If I had to come home from a draining day and someone handed me a toilet brush I would be pretty annoyed. Especially if they could have done that task themselves at some point in the day without a problem. It's the idea of "saving" work for the other person that doesn't sit right with me.
I'm only talking about domestic chores here. Childcare is another issue but again that's not 50/50 in our house because of the hours he works. It doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve any time to himself at the weekend and if he occasionally wants to go out then I have no issue with that. He rarely does though as he wants to spend time with DS.
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28-08-2013 06:38 #61
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28-08-2013 06:54 #62
Likewise I would not expect DH to come home from work and sit on his bum while I carried on with housework. Unless I had sat on my bum during the day instead of doing it so I could do something else. Obviously playing and doing things with the kids is important but for me this does not take the whole day as I do not spend every minute doing an activity with him.
28-08-2013 06:57 #63
28-08-2013 07:16 #64
28-08-2013 07:26 #65
I'm a single mum so I do all the housework. Having said that I only ever do what I want, when I feel like doing it! It's only DS and me so it's manageable and the house is generally clean and tidy and dinner cooked every night, after which I sit on my bum
Oh and OP - if you are happy to do all the housework and accept that it's 'woman's work' then that's completely up to you. I disagree, and would never consider dating a man who was of that mindset but many women do so each to their own :/
Last edited by Ellewood; 28-08-2013 at 07:32.
28-08-2013 07:27 #66
As someone else has said, what's fair is what makes everyone feel comfortable. If you are feeling like it isn't fair, you should probably sit down with your partner and talk it out, especially if you have had PND before.
My husband is weird. He hates clutter and mess and will tidy up around the house daily, make the beds, put toys away etc. he's always telling me to put my clothes away or put this thing or that away... We are both pretty clean but out of the 2 of us, he is the neat freak. Having said that, I do most of the chores around the house like cooking, dishes (stacking dishwasher) and grocery shopping (although lately due to pelvic instability and pregnancy stuff, I've done the majority of shopping online and he runs up to the shops when I need something urgently). He takes the rubbish out and does the recycling but only because I physically can't do it now, but if not for the pregnancy issues we usually take turns. We have a cleaner twice a week who cleans bathrooms, kitchen, floors and folds laundry but we both do washing when needed, we don't have a chores roster, we just do things when they need to be done, and since we are both on top of it, it ends up being in turns.
Having said all that, dh is the sahd, and I work 4 days a week. When i come home from work I take care of ds, make dinner and give ds a bath usually (dh taking over this most nights now because its too hard for me most of the time being so pregnant).
This works for us, and we both get our free time when ds goes to sleep. On weekends we do family stuff together.
28-08-2013 07:29 #67Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
My DS is full on at the moment so I honestly can't do any housework during the day except maybe do the dishes. When he has a nap is when I try and have lunch and relax a bit and then get some housework done. However for example yesterday he only had a 40 minute nap because he is sick So I didn't do any cleaning.
I believe my DH does work hard but I am also working hard at home. When DH gets home I am still "working" so I don't see why he would be entitled to downtime anymore than me.
I do most night wakings as DS calms down faster with me and I also believe that my DH needs to get sleep in order to be functional at work, except if DS is sick or something and I need his help. So in this case I feel like I am on call 24/7.
So I feel in my family the housework should shared equally and one help out the other if required.
Maybe it will change when DS is older and I can do some house work while he is playing. And every week is different, we just work as a team to keep the house running.
28-08-2013 07:32 #68Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2013
I would rather dh comes home & just takes over the kids for me. Housework is easy for me, but the kids sometimes are a real challenge depending on the day we've had. I love that dh comes home, grabs the kids & plays with them so I can have 10 minutes before dinner to myself! Then after dinner, Id rather do dishes than the bed / bath / book routine & dh agrees he misses the kids like crazy & it's their time.
This isn't a debate, on what's right what's wrong, fair division of duties and all that. It's about the balance or finding one that works for your family. If your not happy try & change the dynamic until it does work. I see myself as far from a maid as dh doesn't create much extra work for me at all. But at the end of the day, what you do for one, you do for two? My kids on the other do create extra work & if they didn't I'd be working out of the home, which I did until April this year.
28-08-2013 07:32 #69
28-08-2013 07:34 #70
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