Sisters boyfriend - crossing boundaries!

[Ellewood]

OP: did you have a 'gut feeling' before the text message? If not, could your gut feeling actually be a cranky pants moment in response to the text?

I was thinking about your explanation to the brother in law. Now I agree with your stance on the circus but perhaps your explanation was a bit too long.. Talking about morals and ethics...By using many words to state your view perhaps you BIL thought you were being hoighty toighty... Rubbing his nose in your values... Having a go at him for thinking about a circus. Perhaps a simpler "thanks for the offer. I'm not a fan of the circus, but really appreciate your offer" would have gone down better? Perhaps your BIL, by referring to the wet blanket was having a go at you for rubbing his nose in it?

No, I've never been totally comfortable with anyone taking DS out, bar his dad, grandparents, or my brothers. The first time he asked to take him out, I wondered why my sister didn't do the asking (and didn't in fact know who it was at first due to the number not being in my contacts). Don't get me wrong, I like him well enough, it's just I don't feel I know him well enough.

My response to him asking if he could take DS to the circus was: "Hey, oh sorry but I am morally and ethically opposed to circuses (yes roll your eyes haha). But thanks so much anyway!"

I don't want to go on and on about it or to keep explaining myself - just wanted thoughts. Thanks again all.

[SassyMummy]

OP, I don't think his reply was particularly rude. Perhaps he wanted to go to the circus, and felt like a bit of an idiot if he went, as a grown man, on his own... so thought he'd borrow a kid to make it seem less stupid. I mean... people offer to take DD to places all the time... so that THEY can be childish and silly and not look like a fool as a grown adult on their own. I do it too, if I'm honest (we see many kids films just because I want to see them).

I think it may have been more about the anti-circus thing... as he's obviously not opposed and whenever I mention that we don't agree with circuses and thus will not attend (because I'm with you on that!), people act like I'm some nasty jerk depriving my kid of essential childhood fun or some crap. So... I think it would probably more likely be that.

Calling you a wet blanket though... hardly offensive. You kind of ARE... he's wanting to have fun, to take your kid somewhere fun... and you're the one who's said no and prevented that. It's absolutely your right... but yeah, in his eyes, of course you're a wet blanket! A rude, offensive reply would have been more along the lines of: "WTF?! Are you serious? What, are you going to strap yourself to trees in hopes that nobody chops them down too? Attack Japanese Whaling Ships? *roll eyes* Whatever... hope your kid somehow manages to enjoy childhood despite having a killjoy for a mother."

I don't mean to be wierd but what is a grown man who isn't biologically related wanting to take your ds out on his own and getting annoyed when you say no?

My alarm bells are ringing very loudly....

Why? I'm a female, so I guess that makes me less threatening... but I have offered to have my ex's nieces (so my DD's cousins - no blood relation to ME though) over (we're in a different state) for a week or so to visit.

I've also offered to take DP's niece and nephew places before. I've been with DP for about 5 years and one of the kids is 4, a little boy...

It's not creepy or weird, and no alarm bells should be ringing!

[sunnyflower]

OP, I don't think his reply was particularly rude. Perhaps he wanted to go to the circus, and felt like a bit of an idiot if he went, as a grown man, on his own... so thought he'd borrow a kid to make it seem less stupid. I mean... people offer to take DD to places all the time... so that THEY can be childish and silly and not look like a fool as a grown adult on their own. I do it too, if I'm honest (we see many kids films just because I want to see them).

I think it may have been more about the anti-circus thing... as he's obviously not opposed and whenever I mention that we don't agree with circuses and thus will not attend (because I'm with you on that!), people act like I'm some nasty jerk depriving my kid of essential childhood fun or some crap. So... I think it would probably more likely be that.

Calling you a wet blanket though... hardly offensive. You kind of ARE... he's wanting to have fun, to take your kid somewhere fun... and you're the one who's said no and prevented that. It's absolutely your right... but yeah, in his eyes, of course you're a wet blanket! A rude, offensive reply would have been more along the lines of: "WTF?! Are you serious? What, are you going to strap yourself to trees in hopes that nobody chops them down too? Attack Japanese Whaling Ships? *roll eyes* Whatever... hope your kid somehow manages to enjoy childhood despite having a killjoy for a mother."



Why? I'm a female, so I guess that makes me less threatening... but I have offered to have my ex's nieces (so my DD's cousins - no blood relation to ME though) over (we're in a different state) for a week or so to visit.

I've also offered to take DP's niece and nephew places before. I've been with DP for about 5 years and one of the kids is 4, a little boy...

It's not creepy or weird, and no alarm bells should be ringing!

It's just that he got angry when told no. Honestly what sort of grown man chucks a tanty cause he can't take a child to a circus! Go to the pub or something! JMO.

[Just*Ace]

Sorry but I think calling his text message 'rude' is a bit over the top. It was a text message, you don't know what his tone was. If my friends tell me they don't wanna go out coz they are tired/sick/whatever I call them a wet blanket/party pooper. Its not being rude it's a bit of a joke! Maybe just forgot about this and see if the behaviour continues, although asking to take him out twice isn't really that much.

[JungleMum]

I come up with some zany things to do with my nieces which my sister-in-law often doesn't approve of! I always seek my SIL's approval though and don't take issue with her declines. But I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy because she is very conservative.

Just offering a perspective that relo's can seek out & enjoy the company of kids without it being anything sinister. And I guess the point that because I'm female, it wouldn't appear sinister.

Not much help to your situation OP, just commenting in regards to the fact that it isn't necessarily weird. But agree that you have to trust your instinct.

[Atropos]

No, I didn't say that at all! Even so, I still don't feel cosy with it. And it still doesn't justify his rude response!

From your OP- "I said that was a lovely offer but I am morally and ethically against circuses*, and sorry to be a wet blanket but it's important to me, but thank you anyway."

If this is what you said to him, then I think his response was just repeating what you said, and I don't see it as a big deal, sorry OP.
If you aren't comfortable with him taking your son out, fair enough, totally your call. Unless he repeatedly asks to do so I'd probably leave it at that.

[Ellewood]

From your OP- "I said that was a lovely offer but I am morally and ethically against circuses*, and sorry to be a wet blanket but it's important to me, but thank you anyway."

If this is what you said to him, then I think his response was just repeating what you said, and I don't see it as a big deal, sorry OP.
If you aren't comfortable with him taking your son out, fair enough, totally your call. Unless he repeatedly asks to do so I'd probably leave it at that.

if you read back the last page or so I explained I got mixed up - tin my OP I was recalling from memory my responses but the wet blanket part was after he had replied right I was being a wet blanket.

It is the second time within a month, and yeah, I will speak to my sister as my feeling is that I don't know him well enough, which is prob why his attitude/personality misses its mark with me.

Ok enough explaining from me.... Have to go!

[GlitterFarts]

OP - just do whatever you feel comfortable with. He's your child and you make the rules.

[Chunkydunks]

OP - just do whatever you feel comfortable with. He's your child and you make the rules.

Agreed

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[Star Light]

Trust your instincts OP - you know the situation better than anybody.