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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by duckduckgoose View Post
    I hate this dynamic in our house. It leads to me thinking DH is useless and him thinking I'm a stressed out nag. Stuff like he doesn't even understand how to follow the discipline technique we agreed on. DS ran out of oat milk yesterday so DH buys him soy milk - which he can't have. Sometimes I feel it would be easier just to do it all myself.


    This is how I feel, while I know if he wasn't here I would have to do EVERYTHING at least I would t have an expectation of being helped.
    I had an op on Friday and am still recovering, I just came downstairs after a 2hr nap and him telling me he'd clean, to find him napping on the couch and his mum doing the dishes... I think I just wish he wouldn't call on his mum to do stuff that he should be doing. Humph.

  2. #32
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    mummabec is offline I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love
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    FL I understand what your saying and I guess my problem is I resent having to be the "CEO" of the house. I want a more equitable division of tasks, but my DP seems to really struggle with the details. I mean our 4 yo daughters clothes have been in the same cupboard in the same basic organization for her whole life and yet he still tells me he cannot find any pants.
    Maybe it's the man I chose and I do love him and he is an amazing partner and dad in so many ways but he just doesn't seem able to tackle certain things.

    We've been talking about me working from home 30hrs a week while he starts his own business and takes on more of the house stuff, but I just see me having to do the same amount in less time. But I suppose I'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  3. #33
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    FL this is something I cracked it over about 4 years ago - for me it was that "mum" was always the default setting. No matter what it was the kids wanted, the call of "mum" would go up even if dad was standing right beside them. And then I was staying with my parents when DD2 was a baby and I did exactly the same thing - every time I needed some help or wanted something I called for mum. It was really eye opening.

    So after that DH and I made a conscious effort to retrain the kids to ask for help from both of us equally, but mainly from him at weekends. To the point where if I'm home and so is he I actively ignore them if I can see he's closer, and they realise and ask him. It's taken 4 years but has been worth it.

    I also make him CEO of certain aspects of the kids lives, as I know it's not realistic that he is CEO of them all. He does breakfast every morning (unless he's away), packs lunch boxes, etc. To the point where when he's been away the kids are begging for him to come home as they know he does a better job.

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    FL this is something I cracked it over about 4 years ago - for me it was that "mum" was always the default setting. No matter what it was the kids wanted, the call of "mum" would go up even if dad was standing right beside them. And then I was staying with my parents when DD2 was a baby and I did exactly the same thing - every time I needed some help or wanted something I called for mum. It was really eye opening.

    So after that DH and I made a conscious effort to retrain the kids to ask for help from both of us equally, but mainly from him at weekends. To the point where if I'm home and so is he I actively ignore them if I can see he's closer, and they realise and ask him. It's taken 4 years but has been worth it.

    I also make him CEO of certain aspects of the kids lives, as I know it's not realistic that he is CEO of them all. He does breakfast every morning (unless he's away), packs lunch boxes, etc. To the point where when he's been away the kids are begging for him to come home as they know he does a better job.
    We do the weekend thing but it's become rather comical. DD will request something and I am the closest to said thing (usually food) and will go to get it and she will leap into my path and block me and say 'NO IT'S THE WEEKEND DADDY WILL GET IT'.

    We failed the happy medium test!

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  6. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    I also make him CEO of certain aspects of the kids lives, as I know it's not realistic that he is CEO of them all. He does breakfast every morning (unless he's away), packs lunch boxes, etc. To the point where when he's been away the kids are begging for him to come home as they know he does a better job.
    That's a good idea. We alternate breakfast duty/sleep in. But when DP gets up with the kids, in one hour he's managed breakfasts, changing DDs nappy and getting DS out of his pull up. And I get up when I hear the coffee machine going when I get up everyone has breakfast, kids are dressed, curtains all open, last night's dishes put away, load of washing going in the machine. One reason for this is that I'm a morning person and he isn't. Another is that he doesn't see as much of the kids so he likes to play with them in the mornings. But the reason I get annoyed about it is that he doesn't see how the day runs far less smoothly if these things aren't done in good time.
    I can see how in 5 years time when I'm back at full time work, it would be easy for me to keep up with all this, as the years I've spent at home partly with the kids has cemented that I am the organiser.
    I guess for DP to take over some of those things would be like having someone remotely manage a branch when there is a perfectly competent manager already working in the branch. Of course the local manager wants things done their way, they are the ones doing the daily grind. How do we shift that balance? The only way I can see is if men take on the role of primary carer equally, perhaps mum stays home 6 months, dad the next 6 months. Or when kids are a little older, each does a 3 or 4 day week. The reason we don't do this is that DP earns a sheetload more than me, we need his income. Which is also tied to the gender thing too as I work in a traditionally female field while his is male dominated.
    We are chipping away at it. It's just very frustrating.

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    I totally get what you are saying, FL. Unfortunately, I think it is somewhat unavoidable in the very early years of child rearing. I am consciously making an effort to not let it continue as I take on more responsibilities outside of the home.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    That's a good idea. We alternate breakfast duty/sleep in.

    ...

    I guess for DP to take over some of those things would be like having someone remotely manage a branch when there is a perfectly competent manager already working in the branch. Of course the local manager wants things done their way, they are the ones doing the daily grind. How do we shift that balance? The only way I can see is if men take on the role of primary carer equally, perhaps mum stays home 6 months, dad the next 6 months. Or when kids are a little older, each does a 3 or 4 day week. The reason we don't do this is that DP earns a sheetload more than me, we need his income. Which is also tied to the gender thing too as I work in a traditionally female field while his is male dominated.
    We are chipping away at it. It's just very frustrating.
    For us, it just happened naturally. While I shower and get ready for the day, he does breakfast, gets kids dressed etc. we don't do sleep ins unless one of us is sick or has been up with kids half the night. But that's what works for us. He's naturally very organised so runs the mornings like any other work task. But DD1 is nearly 8, so he's had lots of time to practice.

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    Things are working fairly smoothly ATM without kids. The only thing that bugs me is that he's oblivious to mess or the need to empty the bin or the recycling. He does these things when asked but will pile things on top of each other in the bin or overflowing onto the bench when not asked. Drives me nuts! Just empty the bins lol!

    The thing I'm worried about though is him bonding with a baby. He sees me as the primary caregiver (as with the case with our cat and dog). I'm worried that he won't naturally bond with a baby unless I hand it over or ask for help. I don't know how to ensure that a baby will get enough time with him, especially in the early years? Any suggestions?

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    I may be kidding myself, but I think I am one of those elusive couples you speak of. My DP is just as CEOish as I am at this point, however, I do agree with you, that when this baby allows me to take on more things again, I will become more of the CEO and he will be my 2IC. Right now, I can totally rely on him to know when bed, and bath times are, what meds the kids take and when its needed, where the school is and what pick up time is, and what to buy in shopping. There are some things I know that he doesnt due to the fact that he is at work when I do them, but he is very much my CEO and Im more the 2IC I think.
    Is this what you are tlaking about or did I miss the point?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Amiedoll View Post
    I'm a housewife and stay at home mum so I see most of those things as my domain (and I have zero problems keeping our family running smoothly).
    I find it interesting though, men have gender roles too. How many of us know how much petrol there is in the lawn mower? or how much cord the whipper snipper has? My husband doesn't complain at me for not maintaining the lawn or car things
    We share the workload and I certainly have mowed the lawn, maintained the car etc. DH has done more of the outside tasks in recent months mainly because Im breastfeeding so it just means he can get it done in one go without having to stop to feed the baby and be covered in oil, but I will go back to doing it. I like to know how to do things anyway so if I didnt know how to do something Id want to learn

    In response to the main point of the article weve taken turns being the SAHP so whoever is at home does most of that type of work otherwise we share

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