This is such a hard situation for you and your hubby, I have been exactly where you are. My DH and I had three, he reneged on the third. I really wanted the fourth but he was like no way. We argued for two years about it then I gave up. I found it unfair and frustrating that it was practically his decision. He kept saying he understood my feelings but I'm not sure men do understand crazy clucky feelings, they don't get that you can't function without thinking about it. Anyways in all of this I was diagnosed with PCOS and was told I could have no more children. They were wrong! We became slack with contraception and fell pg about 2 months after.
My DH has not for one minute blamed me or resented our little girl. He had a Vasectomy done 5 years ago which has been reversed today as we are planning #5....my point being time has helped my DH, having the 3 so close was very full on for him, but the bigger gap between 3-4 was manageable.
Maybe you could discuss when you might want to do it and maybe give him some time? I feel for you, as his wife you don't want to pressure him but you also want him to respect your feelings too. Good luck luv xx
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15-08-2013 21:09 #21
15-08-2013 22:46 #22
Just to clarify I was never the one to threaten divorce dh did that. And while preg with our third dh had agreed to a 4th, so was the one to reneg. I have made it known to him for quite a while now that I wanted a 4th, and when I sat him down to discuss it, is when he said no more. It feels like... Why should I give in, it's my life too. Which I am sure he is probably thinking as well. This whole thing is such a mess, I just don't know where it will end
16-08-2013 07:24 #23-
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Bottom line is regardless of how you feel you can't plan to bring a child into this world unless both parents want it. You either need to 1) see a counsellor about how to otherwise fulfill your life. 2) divorce 3). Give hubby time and hope he changes his mind.
16-08-2013 07:36 #24
I think you are both coming from two different perspectives which is a tough gap to bridge, you - yearning for more children, him - burden of being the bread winner/wanting to provide for his family. There is an incredible amount of pressure on men in single income families to provide for their family. Maybe he has a certain lifestyle in mind & a fourth child would compromise that?
Maybe if you can develop some kind of financial plan for the next 5-10 years, taking into consideration his concerns, but also a fourth child you will both be satisfied?
16-08-2013 12:18 #25
Hi FallenAngel, it's such a tricky situation whatever it turns out, one of you may resent the other and it will affect your 3 children which i don't think is fair for them. Just my opinion, the desire, the urge of having another child is a good start but I think both parents need to sit down and specifically talk about pros and cons. "I just really want it/ don't want it" for me is not specific enough, maybe try to think about what another bub can bring to your family, apparently a happier mum, a friend for the youngest to play with, enough room to share etc. Get your DH to be more specific about financial stress and address his concerns, work out a long term budget with him. 150k may sound a lot but is it before or after tax, is it enough for private education + extra curriculum for all 4 kids, is it enough to maintain a lifestyle that you both want like only buy organic products, eat out, travel...? I think ideally both parents need feel ready physically, financially, emotionally and put the benefits of the children they already have had first before conceiving another child. If one parent is not ready it's better to be put on hold and get counseling help if needed.
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16-08-2013 12:27 #26
16-08-2013 12:35 #27
Obviously with you being in tears and not talking for days isn't helping the situation or your marriage. I'd suggest some counselling.
What happens if you did say have a 4th and then still wanted more? Will your fulfilment really end at 4? It's one if those never know situations.
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19-08-2013 20:15 #28
I've tried talking to him to see if there is a bigger issue but it seems to come down to just financial. I don't know what we are going to do. I told him last night my reasons for wanting a 4th, and what I though of his saying that id need to find a new partner, plus some other things on the subject. I also mentioned that a marriage is about compromise, and to keep that in mind for the future (as its likely that he will be given a national management position in the next 12-18 months which will require him to travel 3wks out of every month which I made clear I wouldn't agree to). Probably sounds selfish and a bit tit for tat. The ball is now in his court to think everything over. Also 4 children is defiantly my limit due to medical reasons. I will most likely end up with a hysterectomy after having #4
20-08-2013 06:21 #29
as soon as divorce is mentions i think couples councilling is a wonderful idea, maybe then you can have these convo's in the sanctity of the councilers office...
20-08-2013 07:03 #30
While I agree with you that marriage is about compromise, having a child when one person doesn't want to is not a compromise. Compromise means win-win. I think counselling is a great idea, because having a mediator can help the conversation stay on track and be rational. For what it's worth, I think it sounds like the ball is in both of your courts to think things over. I wish you well, and I hope everything works out for you.
ETA: in case you think I'm just being a negative nancy, I should add that I had a baby after an unplanned pregnancy when my husband didn't want me to. Yes, DH adores his son, but the damage to our marriage is irreparable. So, my life experience is probably colouring my answer somewhat.
Last edited by harvs; 20-08-2013 at 07:51.
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