Could you maybe just set up from DP's account a direct debit the day of/day after his pay day that transfers a set amount to your account for bills/rent etc. and that leaves him with ONLY a pre-set amount for all his 'extras' and then if he needs/wants more he has to ask you and you agree.
You could maybe even set up a joint account like that - i.e you have one main joint account for all bills and then you both keep your own accounts for your personal spending?
I still think first you have to sit him down and physically show him with old bills/statements just how much (or how little) money you have to play with so that when you set a limit for his and YOUR personal spending he can see what amount its coming from to help him appreciate it.
Also if you go the route of a 'set' amount for the personal spending set rules/limits as to what it covers so he cant later claim smokes or takeaway out of the grocery/food budget
My DH and I just have a set amount per payday that is our 100% own spending money - we can do with it what we like. So if I want something big I just save it for a few weeks or else I can blow it on clothes, food out etc. with no guilt. DH withdraws his $ on payday and that is that for the fortnight whereas I just tend to spend a bit here and there so some fortnights go over and others under so it evens out however neither of us have 'spending' issues so its all working fine.
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14-08-2013 21:54 #31Senior Member
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14-08-2013 22:59 #32
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15-08-2013 05:27 #33-
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I would stop ttc immediately until you and your DP are able to offer a new baby a more robust home. When your DP's mental issues are better and you (as a family) can budget, that would be a good time to start ttc. It might give you both time to try and give up smoking.
Good luck xxx
15-08-2013 06:36 #34Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2013
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through Jagamoe
I grew up in a family where my father gambled recklessly. My poor mother had to look after the whole family emotionally and financially. She never had the relationship she dreamed of with him. But she kept bailing him out for the good of the family.
25 years later she finally had the strength to let him go. A big part of her hesitation was that if she let him go he wouldn't be able to take care of himself. And the other part was she didn't want us kids to suffer.
The best thing she ever did was let him go.
Growing up in a household with excessive fighting was never fun. My mother never experienced that wonderful romance and happiness that comes from a partner who really does care for you. She thought he cared but then he'd make selfish choices that hurt the whole family. That's not how a husband or father should be.
Speaking from the child's perspective you need to really think long and hard about what's best for you and your kids.
I'm really happy to say my mother has now been with her boyfriend for over a year now. He treats her like a princess. She said to me that when she was with my father she never felt like she was a woman or worthwhile. But now she does. She is blossoming and so happy. I love it When I visit her the house is happy also. No more tension no more stress.
I wish you the same happiness. I know the first choice shouldn't be leaving him. But you need to do what's best for you so that you can let yourself be happy.
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15-08-2013 07:04 #35
15-08-2013 07:13 #36
15-08-2013 07:18 #37
Just to clarify I grew up in a horrid home my mother shouldn't ever of had children & my step father was a c&nt. My childhood was abusive & there was always fighting etc
My house is not like that. I'm not always making excuses for DP I know he has faults we had split last yr & decided to try again. We don't fight constantly or in front of the kids but its little issues that snowball & make us both frustrated
Long term what's best for my kids is to see that yes mum n dad had some issues but they loved each other n always tried to work them out rather than giving up every time
I refuse to be like my mother & split with DP & have bf in n out of my kids lives n unstable home. They know they have both mum n dad & a safe home it might not always be happy but that's life
15-08-2013 07:22 #38
15-08-2013 08:16 #39
To add I've had to budget n be good with $ n spending since I was kicked out of home at 14 where as DP was moly coddled by his mother & lived at home until 25 & then again for 6 or so months when we split so he's never had to budget as I've always done it it his mums done it for him. I think mostly he needs to learn financial responsibility & to be less selfish
To say we should stop ttc immediately until we have these things sorted & that baby wouldn't have a robust home is a bit unfair if u ask me.
Children IMO don't need heaps of money or materialistic things they need love & basics . My children are provided for always I always put them first the problem I'm having is that DP is spending what could go on bills on smokes & I'm left having to ensure bills are paid.
What I'm asking for isn't for for others to suggest we don't try for another baby (after our miscarriage it's kinda hurtful ) or to leave him cause he can be a selfish asshat (cause thats all men at some point) I'm looking for practical useful ways to approach the situation & hopefully resolve it & try to get DP to learn financial responsibility & be less selfish. Ways to approach so he doesn't get on the offensive or feel like he's being attacked and or practical ideas /solutions to try fix this issue.
15-08-2013 08:41 #40
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