I'm hoping someone out there might have some advice on my dilemma. My DH & I are in our first cycle of IVF. He had a vasectomy after his second DS was born and we've had to go down the IVF route after the reversal didn't work properly.
One thing we're debating about is when to tell his sons that we're expecting a baby? The boys stay with us every other weekend and we haven't told them we're doing IVF, but they do know we want to have a baby together at some stage. They are 18 and 16.
Obviously DH is keen to share the news that they are going to have a new sibling and we have discussed various ways we can involve them in the pregnancy and with the baby so they feel included, but I'm a bit more reserved about telling them too early in the pregnancy.
Because of the risks involved in an IVF pregnancy I want to keep things quiet until after the first trimester is safely passed and we have the all clear. DH would like to be able to tell the boys as soon as I have a 7 week scan to verify the heartbeat. The problem is neither of them are good at keeping secrets - especially DSS1 (18 yr old) who is autistic with an intellectual disability, which places him about 8 years old mentally.
In the past they've been told things and asked not to say anything to other people, and they've both ignored that request and told their mother and our mutual friends - so I've got no reason to believe this would be any different. I don't want everyone knowing I'm pregnant and then potentially things going wrong and have people asking about a pregnancy that didn't go to plan.
What would you do?
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31-07-2013 12:19 #1
Telling teen with autism you're pregnant?
31-07-2013 12:32 #2
I wouldn't tell them. I'd actually wait until 12 weeks.
31-07-2013 12:33 #3
i think i would not tell them for as long as you can. there is no reason to expect that they will keep a secret when they dont really understand the concept of 'secret'. I hope you have success with the ivf, and a lovely celebration when the time is right to share the good news. Marie.
31-07-2013 12:36 #4
Id just wait until you're ready for everyone to know.
My little fellas have autism and we told them and said but its a secret. As soon as we saw someone we knew and they said "sooo whats new?" They blurted "mummys got a baby"
*glare* lol thanks boys!
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giggle berry (03-08-2013)
31-07-2013 13:02 #5
That's exactly what I'd like to do, but I don't think DH agrees - which is tough when they're his kids.
Meanwhile I feel bad that I'm making him wait. I have asked him not to tell any of his family that we're doing IVF because one of his sisters is still friends with his ex and wouldn't think anything of telling her what we're going through.
I'm worried that the ex is going to fill the boys heads with negative stuff about us having a baby. She already started saying things to my DH about not forgetting his boys when she found out he was having the reversal done, and she'd be over the moon if IVF wasn't successful for us or I was to miscarry. I know I shouldn't care so much about what she thinks, but ultimately what she says to the boys about me impacts greatly on DH.
Any ideas how I might be able to get DH to understand it's not about leaving his boys out of this, but actually my self-preservation?
Also, any ideas about how we can break the news to the boys when the time comes would be greatly appreciated!
02-08-2013 10:38 #6
Hi ladies, just an update - I just got my BFP yesterday and DH surprised me by telling me that he wants to wait until after the first trimester to tell the boys - so relieved!
I asked what would happen though if I end up getting morning sickness really bad and they get suspicious, but we'll deal with that if/when it happens. Luckily our new house should be finished by the time I'm 8-9 weeks so we'll no longer be having to share a bathroom
02-08-2013 10:58 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
- Among the gumtrees
Congratulations!! Sending you sticky vibes
I am trying to keep my belly bub a secret for a while yet too (much different reasons though!) And i have suffered morning sickness! Our DD (who is Aspie with SPD, 5yrs) only understands that mummy is sick at the moment and on some medication (preg vitamins) to help and i have to see the doctor regularly. Maybe a similarly vague excuse could cover you for the first trimester?
03-08-2013 13:03 #8
That might work little crow if only there wasn't a very switched on 16 yr old also in the picture! I guess I could "have a tummy bug" for one fortnightly visit if needed.
That would end up being hilarious because both would claim they felt sick and must have caught it from me to get off school for several days the following week. Any time anyone even sniffles a little around them they seem to come down with the plague and can't go to school- even when we specifically tell them that an illness we might have is not contagious. So it would be funny if they "catch" morning sickness!
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03-08-2013 22:42 #9Senior Member
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- Jan 2011
- Among the gumtrees
Hahaha! Oh well, it might be worth it just to buy you some extra time
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