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  1. #1
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    Question Could this be the biggest turning point for me?

    Hi, I would love some feedback. Maybe from people who have been through similar? Please no negative comments, I’ve got enough in my head already. Positive affirmations would be awesome.

    My partner and I have been together for 7 years, we have 2 young boys and are engaged. 4 years ago he decided to become a commercial diver (fisherman) as it runs in his family and no other work has been successful for him. He’s very good at what he does, and we own our own business with a lovely mortgage because of it. When it came up I didn’t feel I had the choice in the matter, it was just something he had to do. The last 4 years have been lonely as hell and were not making money until this last year. I have had to take care of the boys on my own and not known when he is going to come home, for how long, or when he goes back – because of the weather. I stressed that I don’t want him gone more than 2 weeks. We have gone a lot longer sometimes, and sometimes it’s only 5 days. But there’s no structure to it. We have gone through hell and last year I became very depressed. He was away for 3.5 months doing a course and I was desperate for him to support me even though he was also going through a depressed time. We have continued to go through a hard time and I asked him 2 weeks ago if he’s ever been unfaithful (I had a feeling about this girl from his course who I met when we visited halfway through). He finally admitted it. He was with her 3 times. We have both been to a psych and discussed it and he feels it’s time to come out with it all and try to improve our lives and make it up to me, to help me trust him again. I have missed him for so many years and never thought I would want to try and make it work after something like that, but I love him dearly and I know that he feels so ashamed and wants to make it work. He was home for 2 weeks after he told me, and he has done everything right. Given me space, was there for me to talk to and ask questions, took the kids so I could think about things on my own, cooked, cleaned. He has just gone back to work and I’m home with the kids and just… feel… awful… I can’t do anything, only the bare essentials. I drink to escape, I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I’m lonely, and I can’t believe that I just want him home. And that makes me feel awful to feel that the only person I want with me is the one who has hurt me the most. Our psych has told him that he has to tell me exactly when he’s coming home, that it gives me more structure. But I just don’t want him to be away anymore. I want to make it work but does that mean me asking him to give up the diving? He says he can’t do anything else. We never planned to have a family with one of us being away, it just kind of happened. I feel like I’ve given up everything to try and make his life easier, you know, what’s best for the family. But I’ve lost myself in the process, lost respect for myself, and no one can respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I don’t know how to gain that back… Should I just be patient? It’s only early days still and I’m still grieving I guess.


    I just want him home.

  2. #2
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    aww huge hugs for you, the situation sounds very lonely. can i ask why he doesnt seem to think he can do any other jobs that are closer to home?

  3. #3
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    I used to be a flight attendant pre motherhood. After I had a family I tried going back but I just couldn't do it anymore without my family suffering so I gave it up even though it is all I've ever done and the only job I could ever see myself doing. I know that probably doesn't help but I really do sympathise with you and how difficult and lonely it must be doing it all on your own. Not even knowing when he will come home would drive me nuts. Surely there is another position in the same industry that has more family friendly hours?

  4. #4
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    I am sorry you are in such a bad place. I would be wanting to explore what was going on in your relationship that made your DH unfaithful ie is the work situation creating distance between you, is he suffering from low self-confidence, etc. I am absolutely not saying that it is your fault, but understanding a little may help you to forgive and grieve. I would not be able to function in a marriage where I didn't know when my husband would be home and for how long, and to be honest it sounds like an unrealistic expectation from his workplace.

    I was teaching in the outback and desperately unhappy and lonely and I got to the point of drinking a bottle of spirits alone in an evening and sounding completely sober on the phone to DH. Please seek help if you feel the drinking getting on top of you. I don't have much advice, except to say please don't think less of yourself for missing your husband. He has done the wrong thing and hurt you, but that is something he has done, not the person he is.

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    jagamoe  (10-07-2013)

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    Couldn't read without offering hugs
    Not really the same but when we were livin up nth DP was working in station away for months at a time & then had to go home for a funeral & in that time he hooked up with someone else & came back & just acted as though it never happened. It took me 6 months to find out from a friend of the girl who knew me to tell me & then he finally admitted it & said cause he was lonely & hurting & I wasn't there he made bad choices. Years later I've actually spoken to the girl & know all the details & that they didnt actually sleep together but still hurts & screwed my trust issues even more. I didnt want to be around him or even look at him but wanted him there at the same time

    It's good that he's seeing a psych with u that's a huge plus but I get how u feel with losing respect for yourself. I turned to drinking & just didn't care about anything other than my kids & once they were in bed the drinking started I spiraled downwards big time. Please don't let yourself go to a dark place like I did its so hard to come back from

    Sounds like you've given so much for your relationship & family it's time your DP did too.
    Huge hugs.

  7. #6
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    Thanks guys. It's a tough one. I would love it if there was a job here where he could still be in the industry and just dive on the weekends etc but I don't know how he feels about that. I guess I have to decide whether or not I can do it. And if I can't then the balls in his court. My 4yo said to me last night that he misses daddy and it just breaks my heart.

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    Sorry you are going through this.

    Being away from your family for most if the time is not natural, is not ideal, and is asking for trouble.

    Something has to give. If your hubby doesn't change jobs then I don't mean to be rude but that's signing the death warrant on your marriage. I think the ball is in your hubby's court. My advice would be to work on yourself (own happiness etc) and prepare yourself for both outcomes.

    Good luck.

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    What a hard situation to be in if he is completely unwilling to change careers, I guess you have to ask yourself, are you ok with being in this situation for the rest of your life? If not then you do have a hard decision to make but you deserve to be happy.
    Not quite the same situation at all but my dp works night shift, has done so for 12 years, it's all he knows. It puts SO much strain on our relationship. We both knew that if things continued on like this we would both stay stressed & depressed. So he's quitting his job and we're moving to the country which was a huge decision for him to make, but the situation here will never change, we'd both stagnate. We needed things to change.

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    Yeah I haven't heard many success stories with this circumstance. You're right vicpark, I do need to look after myself, that's what I've been trying to do for the past 4 years! I just can't seem to accept that this will be my life for the next 10-20 years. On top of that he has been in hospital with the bends and seen numerous white pointers. It's something I've just had to not think about because its too worrying.

  13. #10
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    Thanks temet nosce, at least you both have tried hard to make it work and you're on the path for a better future for you both.


 

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