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  1. #21
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    I'm a strong believer in that if you are hurt /treated like crap by people in your life then cut them out and move on life is too short to be treated like crap no matter who they are....you said that you are in a happy place why upset that your parents have to deal with it and move on .....

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    I would go. It's your mums birthday so in a way the day isn't about you, it's about her..I would got, say a polite hello and move on to talk to the people you do like etc.

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    I would also go, you're not going to play happy with your sister. Going does not mean you are having a relationship with your sister it just means that you can be in the same place and be civil. Don't let this ostracise you and your family from events you should be at.

  4. #24
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    I don't believe in having to keep people in your life, even if it makes you miserable.

    However, I see having them in your life and seeing them in your life, as two different things. It will make your life more difficult if you have to avoid her at every family function, and in the end it means that she is still having a negative affect on you, doesn't matter how much you say to yourself that you are over it. If you can walk in to your mum's birthday and be civil enough to say hi and bye, it will definitely free you from the pain of the past.

    I am not saying that you should let her in your life again. You don't have to ask her about what is going on with her, and you sure as hell don't need to tell her what is going on with you. Just treat her like you would a stranger on the street. Just with civility and nothing more.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by gizmoduckus View Post
    I don't believe in having to keep people in your life, even if it makes you miserable.

    However, I see having them in your life and seeing them in your life, as two different things. It will make your life more difficult if you have to avoid her at every family function, and in the end it means that she is still having a negative affect on you, doesn't matter how much you say to yourself that you are over it. If you can walk in to your mum's birthday and be civil enough to say hi and bye, it will definitely free you from the pain of the past.

    I am not saying that you should let her in your life again. You don't have to ask her about what is going on with her, and you sure as hell don't need to tell her what is going on with you. Just treat her like you would a stranger on the street. Just with civility and nothing more.
    This is what I was trying to say only you've said it much better

  6. #26
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    yep

    I was going to say I thought the text sounded very much like something your Mum made her send so that she could say "Hey I tried, but she was the one who wouldnt make up". Not a genuine attempt.

    that being said - I would still go to your Mum's birthday. You dont have to talk to your sister, or even acknowledge her. But its not about her, its about your Mum (though to be honest, it doesnt sound like your Mum is super supportive )

  7. #27
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    You guessed right. My mum isn't super supportive. I know she has a hard time dealing with the fact that my sibling has created this mess and that many a time she's tried to create cracks in the story so her denial will sit in a more comfortable way with her conscience. My mother is very good at denial. She refuses to address her role in my sister's upset and insists she has nothing to do with it. This has been a very common storyline throughout my childhood and early adulthood. It is something I am well used to. I know that the two of them often talk together about this but it's not something I want to pollute my brain with wondering over. I don't confide in my mother so she knows little about my inner life and I am fine with that.

    I will attend her birthday and I will be civil. I will smile and I will make small conversation. My DH does not want the kids there...so that's a matter for him and me to discuss at a later date. But, essentially, I will take the advice offered in here, I will suck it up for the sake of wishing her a happy birthday and then return to normal life. And that it's okay to do that. I have realised in recent days that thinking about how to resolve this was yet another example of how I have always been the peacekeeper, have always wanted things to be just so even if it was at my own expense and that I'm still doing it! I have brushed off more than a few offences committed by my sister over the years but this last one was a doozy and was impossible to pretend it didn't happen. I did try to communicate with her immediately after it happened in order to understand her motivation behind it but kept getting continuous door slams etc - she wanted total avoidance (the mark of a coward) so eventually I gave up trying. Years have passed, not a word out of her, life is good for me and I suspect she wants a piece of that. And I'm saying no.

    And I'm finding out that it's okay to do that too.

    Thanks everyone


 

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