After reading another thread about the father going home for a nap and missing the birth, it has gotten me thinking about my upcoming c-section in 7 weeks that my DH may or may not be at. He is defence so may be on a course, we just don't know and have been told to possibly expect being told one day and then he is gone the next. I completely support my DH and have told him I don't want him to knock back courses, as he really needs them, they are only 2-3weeks that he will be interstate for. I have friends on call to look after dd and my mum is coming up a week before c-sect. I support my husband in being away, so please no negativity unless its from personal experience with your partner missing birth of your child.
So my question is, have their been any issues for those who's DH were not at birth due to work restrictions or early birth etc. my dad wasn't at mine as I came 2 weeks early and didn't have any issues with him a child.
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25-06-2013 15:22 #1
Father not at birth, equal decision
25-06-2013 16:08 #2
I think if you are both comfortable with the decision, then approach it exactly the way you want to. I cannot imagine there would ever be problems between a child and it's father from him not being present at the birth, unless his presence was part of a larger picture of non-involvement, which definitely does not sound like the case here!
I gave my then DH the option of not being present at my third childs birth, as he is a massive stressball when it comes to birth, so I would rather he was elsewhere relaxing, if he was going to be uncomfortable.
In the end he was there, so that was all good, but I really don't think having the father at the birth is mandatory, it depends entirely on the circumstances, and sometimes on comfort levels.
Renowned French Ob Michel Odent made a claim against having fathers at birth not that long ago, which was quite interesting, and I can see where he was coming from, when it comes to Dads who really don't want to be there, or who are freaked out, or aggressive or whatever. The emotions in the birth room are really important, any negativity is only going to hinder the birth.
25-06-2013 16:18 #3
My DP wasn't at the birth of our twins, and he won't be attending this one either. Anything that involves seeing me in pain and he is out.
I wasn't affected. We discussed it early enough for me to be ok with it, and my Mum stepped up and attended in his place. She said it is one of the most memorable parts of her life, she even got to cut their umbilical cords. She will be with me again this time, as well as possibly SIL who is a midwife.
As for the bond between father and children, nothing is amiss. They don't know he wasn't there and he was eagerly waiting outside anyway... and apart from me having a brief cuddle when they were first born, he was really the one to hold them the most in the recovery room. No bonding issues.
25-06-2013 16:29 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
My son's father was at his birth and TBH he just complained about how hard it was for him. Give me another chance and I'd have supportive, loving women only. My DP, bless him, would never handle a csection I wouldn't imagine. I'd prefer he stay out for his sake and mine. I do know there is some pretty good reasons FOR the father to attend the birth, but in my experience I can also come up with some pretty good reasons as to why it used to be considered women's business.
25-06-2013 16:45 #5
Personally, I would have killed DP if he hadn't been at the birth - he was there at conception and I had to carry the kid for nine months, the least he could do was put up with my grumpy labour self - but that was our decision and we made it together.
My waters broke about two hours after DP returned from his final night shift. He was sleep deprived and totally out of it but he managed to stay awake until I was doped up (several hours later). Then he took a nap in the delivery suite.
His presence at the birth turned out well because pretty much everything went to crackers during labour. I ended up needing an emergency c-section and I'm so glad he was there. I was pretty freaked out about all my plans being thrown out the window and he was totally chilled out (or half asleep, I dunno). Either way, his being there and remaining calm and supportive really helped me get through it. He was in the OR for the birth, he cut the cord (as a formality after they'd suctioned the crap out of DS's lungs) and then he went off to the NICU with DS while I recovered.
My mum wanted to be at the birth and I put my foot down and said aw hell no because she's a total stress monkey and ain't nobody got time for that. (Sorry, spent the weekend on youtube with my sis ...) I knew I'd probably end up killing her.
My dad wasn't there for my birth - it wasn't done back then - and, given the choice he would have gone screaming for the hills for my sister's birth and it hasn't made one bit of difference to either relationship. Meanwhile, he's absolutely bonkers about DS and he wasn't there for that birth either!
Birth is a deeply personal thing and I don't see anything wrong with a father not being there. It really should be about you and your comfort. Since you're okay with your decision, I don't think there'll be an issue. As long as you have some sort of trusted support (or a personal punching bag, whatever works for you), I say chill and enjoy!
But hey, you never know. DH might be there and this whole discussion would have been pointless!
Last edited by snowqu33n; 25-06-2013 at 16:54.
25-06-2013 18:13 #6
When I was planning my vbac, my df was (based on our last experience) pretty vocally anti-vaginal birth, pro-csection, so I'd told him he could support me or not, if he couldn't support me I'd have my mum with me and he could stay home with jasper. I didn't want that negativity in the room.
I'm really glad - and he is too - that he decided to get on board with the birth plan!
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27-07-2013 19:57 #7
Thanks for the responses. Dates for him going away are not until a week after birth so he will be here and my mum will be here to help out while he is away and I'm recovering from c-section. Only 12 more sleeps!
27-07-2013 20:08 #8
My dad was away on a course (also defence) when I was due. I came 4 days late and somehow dad managed to be there. He had to go back the next day but I know he was glad he could be there.
All the best to you
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27-07-2013 20:25 #9
My DH is FIFO and missed the birth of DS2. We knew it was unlikely he would be there because of his roster at the time and as DS1 was 13 days late, he couldn't really just hang around at home for 2 weeks!
My mum called him as we left for the hospital at about 6am and his boss got him on the earliest available flight that afternoon but DS2 was born at 9.55am so he missed it. I don't think there has been any ill effects, sometimes that's just the way life is. Good luck!
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