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  1. #1
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    Default When you want to do IVF but your partner says no......

    Just wondering if anyone has been (or is in) a similar situation that I am facing at the moment..

    Last year I found out I had a amh level of <1 and that IVF would be our best option to have another child. Initially I was not even interested in going to the FS appointments but DH urged me to go and we are now at the point of me just taking the pill to get my cycle in order to start injections.

    HOWEVER DH has now decided that he does not want to do IVF and that he is happy with having one child. His reasoning is money (which we have enough for one round which is all I want to do) and I think his fear of it just not working (but I am guessing)

    I want to go ahead with one cycle so that I will not spend the rest of my life wondering what if. But he refuses to do it and now I have so much anger towards him I don't even want to be in the same room as him. I have told him I don't want him to regret this decision and he admits he probably will regret it.

    We are seeing a psychologist who I started seeing for other issues and she is helping us work through things, but I am finding it so hard to talk and be around my DH now and he refuses to talk about this or any of our issues.

    I really don't know how much longer we are going to last, the decision to do IVF and the lack of communication is tearing our relationship apart.

    Has anyone else had a partner NOT want to do IVF while you did? All of my friends that have gone through IVF had partners that wanted a baby also.

    I don't know how to accept I am only going to have one child. (please don't say be thankful for the one you have, I realise how lucky I am)

  2. #2
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    I can't relate because my hubby never gave me that ultimatum during our 4 cycles to concieve dd and belly-baby. But I was afraid it would come up.

    He has however, told me we are done with ivf now I am pregnant with #2, or more specifically he said when "all our people are here" meaning once baby is finally born and if healthy etc.

    I went through hell and back with conceiving #2 which took 3 cycles, a miscarriage in between, a big bleed in the tww, low hcg numbers after getting my bfp, late ohss, a subchrionic hematoma and a scare at our NT scan.

    So I know his intentions are considering every thing I have been through and he doesn't want me to go through any more pain.

    After all that I still feel like there could be one more baby for our family but I know how strongly he feels about no more ivf so I am not sure how I will cope when this baby gets around the 2-3 age and I get those feeling again of wanting another.

    So I don't really have any advice I am sorry but I can understand to a degree how you must feel. I hope you sort something out.

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    Huge hugs! I have no advice for you I'm sorry. It does seem a bit mean for him to be so eager to start with and now change his mind. For me that would make it even harder. I hope you can both work through it

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    Hi Siesmum, yes I am in the exact same situation. I am really keen for ivf and feel confident we would get some success. We have been trying for 18months for number 2 including a ruptured ectopic. I have one tube and pcos. We are on the clomid train at the moment and hubby refusing to head down ivf saying he would happy if a second comes along 'naturally' otherwise he would be happy with just one. I'm on a very different page and don't want to close the door on completing our family without trying ivf. I suspect we will need counselling in the future to try to resolve some of the issues. I think talking to an independent third party is the way to go. It has really put a strain on our relationship too.

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    Thank you for your responses. bel2466 as hard as our situations are it is good to hear that there is someone in the same boat as me ifykwim.....

    DH also says he would be happy if it happened naturally but that really isn't going to happen especially as he works away a lot.

    All I want to do is try once as I know we can afford it and then if it doesn't happen I won't spend my time blaming DH for not having more children.

    Counseling is helping me to some degree although it is hard having only one hour!

    I am just so angry that he wanted all the testing done all the appointments with the FS and at the last minute said no as HE doesn't want to go through the process, I could understand that if it was him taking all the hormones and doing the egg retrieval etc....

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by siesmum View Post
    Thank you for your responses. bel2466 as hard as our situations are it is good to hear that there is someone in the same boat as me ifykwim.....

    DH also says he would be happy if it happened naturally but that really isn't going to happen especially as he works away a lot.

    All I want to do is try once as I know we can afford it and then if it doesn't happen I won't spend my time blaming DH for not having more children.

    Counseling is helping me to some degree although it is hard having only one hour!

    I am just so angry that he wanted all the testing done all the appointments with the FS and at the last minute said no as HE doesn't want to go through the process, I could understand that if it was him taking all the hormones and doing the egg retrieval etc....
    Wow I could have written your post myself. I completely agree. Yes i hnderstand that DH and I would both go through the process together and both parties endure the emotional toll etc but it would be happening to MY body. I know that decisions are best made together but I would have liked to think that if it was something that I so obviously desperately want which happens to my body then hubby would come to the party....guess not
    is there any kind of compromise you could discuss, say waiting a few more months and try naturally and to continue to save money then if say 4 months is up and no success, commit to a single cycle. I am thinking of trying something similar

  7. #7
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    Eeek .... I wish I could say something helpful but I don't have anything. I only know that I kind of have a feeling a bit like you and I know that it sucks.

    My problem is that my DP doesn't understand or care enough about the actual medical facts to see that IVF is pretty much our chance. I felt like I rushed him in to our first cycle during May and now this month I am dealing with the aftermath and his attitudes to the fact that we spent all that money and it wasn't successful. For that reason.... as much as I want to cycle again in July - I've got to zip my lips and let him come to that conclusion himself.

    It's so hard and I know that doesn't help you in the slightest. If you know you are in a financial position to afford it.... will you still be in that same position in a few months time? Maybe taking the pressure back off him for a while will give him the breathing room to approach it more positively and of his own accord. Not to say that talking and counselling aren't great options .... but let's face it - men are a breed unto themselves.


 

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