The bond is simply not there. Of course it was a long time ago, but I am certain there was a bond with my daughter before now. I'm hoping it's because I'm busy being a mum, have made a big move 7 hours away a few weeks into the new school year and had to enrol her into a new school and transfer everything to where we are now, and on top of that I had her birthday party and present to organise, finding activities to mimic the ones she was doing back where we came from, none of those things had to be done when I was pregnant with her. I moved house but that was a planned house to a bigger place so we had room to move, I was in a stable job that I'd been in for a long time, had childcare arranged with a back up plan of a nanny if needed, it was all organised and smoothe so I'm hoping it's that this is disorganised and chaotic and not that there's a problem between me and the baby. When I felt the bond between my daughter and myself being damaged, we started going on more little adventures together to recreate that bond. If the bond isn't instant with an unborn baby, how do you change that? How is that bond created if it isn't naturally occurring? Will it mean it will take longer to bond with the baby after the birth?
I know these are questions for the psychologist, but she has no kids so I thought it would be better coming from other mums.
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16-06-2013 21:00 #41
16-06-2013 21:00 #42
My heart goes out to u and it daughter! U sound like an amazing mother and u will be perfectly fine with two children And the big age gap I'm sure it daughter will be lots of help and she will have fun being mummies helper xxx
16-06-2013 21:10 #43
I'm so sorry that happened to you Don't really have much advice, I just couldn't read that and then shut the page..
I hope whatever choices you make turn out to be for the best for you, your daughter and the baby.
As for the age gap, I have 7 years between my first 2 boys.. I love the big gap! Now they're 12 and 5 and into so many of the same things, they get along great. I have had 4 babies now, and with each and every one i totally forget what to do. I just can't picture my bubs ever being as small as they were as newborns.
Good luck with everything You're such a strong woman! Hope it all works out
16-06-2013 21:49 #44
All I can really say is, in my opinion, no one can predict how you will feel once this baby is born. You may get that rush of love, feel flooded and overwhelmed by it, but it may very likely be tainted... which, considering, is to be expected and does not, in any way, shape or form, reflect on you as a loving mother. It would be, I'm assuming, completely normal to feel numbness, even resentment towards this baby.
Really, what a terrible situation to be in, I feel so, so bad for you- I can't begin to fathom how I'd be feeling if it were me.. you really do sound so very courageous, it's quite astounding, actually!
Adoption may be the way to go, but only you know the answer, as tough as it is.
Gosh I'm just so sad reading this thead... how dare they do this to you.
Last edited by ~Marigold~; 16-06-2013 at 22:23.
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16-06-2013 22:00 #45
I am absolutley floored by what has happened to you and your precious daughter. Im not a religious person but you are both in my thoughts and I send lots of love and strength your way.
A couple of weeks ago DH and I woke to someone trying to break into our house at 4am. Dh confronted them and they took off but it shook me up incredibly and I still feel afraid in my own home now (and we have a top notch security system) so I cannot even begin to imagine how you and your daughter must feel.
Look after yourselves..
no advice on the 10 yr age gap as mine were 13 months apart and sent me crazy..
Last edited by RipperRita; 16-06-2013 at 22:02.
16-06-2013 22:05 #46
I'm not liking the information about adoption, but not ruling it out completely yet either. Have to consider my daughter and the future for her as well as for this baby. What happens if I decide to keep the baby but can never bond with him/her? How would that be for a child to go through life like that? There are worse things than being adopted out. But then, how would my daughter feel about having her baby brother or sister given away to another family? At 10 that's a lot to comprehend after a rough start to the year.
16-06-2013 22:09 #47
Unfortunately no one else has been in your situation so it's hard to imagine what to do.
I too am a solo mother by choice, my daughter was donor sperm. I'm currently pregnant with #2 and I must admit to being so busy I hardly have time to focus on the pregnancy. I think it's only first time mums who have time to read to their unborn baby or play it specific music. I do love my unborn bubba but I think the bond was stronger first time around.
In all honesty my DD is 21 months and I can't remember the baby stage either! I was holding a friends bubba yesterday and I couldn't remember how, I felt so awkward and unco. My friend had 3 years between her daughters and had forgotten how to breast feed, Thankfulky her hubby hadn't and he was able to assist her. So on regards to forgetting how to deal with babies I don't know anyone who feels capable! But you managed first time around just fine, and should you choose to keep it you will cope again.
Don't let anyone tell you what to do, and don't make any hasty decisions. Only you know how you feel and what's best for you. If you want to keep that bubba you love it and just ignore what anyone says.
At the end of the day we have no idea about out daughters fathers anyway. My DDs dad could be a serial killer, I don't know, I don't care, because my daughter is not.
If you keep your bubba you will love it and care for it, and your DD will help. If you chose to adopt out your bubba it will go to a couple who will love it just as much as you. It's a win-win situation for your bubba, so you just do what works for you.
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16-06-2013 22:32 #48
Another sole parent by choice! Yay! I don't get to meet too many. I think the main difference is that I made the choice to use donor sperm to have a baby on my own, whereas this time it was completely unplanned as well as being basically anonymous for now, but there is also a high chance these people will be caught then one of them will know he has a biological child and that's a very scary position to be in, one I would not be in using donor sperm from someone giving up their sperm but wanting no part in parenting. Not sure if that makes sense?
You're right about the rest of it too, when my nephew was born I felt so awkward holding him until he was a few months old. He's 2 now and I'm far more relaxed around him now than when he was a baby.
16-06-2013 22:35 #49
You're an amazing woman, and your daughter sounds absolutely fabulous as well.
I know it's so hard to "be kind to yourself" but really, try as hard as you can to refuse to feel any guilt over this, and any decisions you make as a result of the baby.
Don't feel like you need to decide before or at the birth, you can take some months to decide, and this will not impact on the child's development or wellbeing. See how you feel once it is born and how you and your daughter feel. Your daughter sounds incredibly intelligent, no doubt due to your mothering, so I'm sure she will understand which ever decision you make, sure she might miss the baby, if you decide to adopt, but she will understand in time.
16-06-2013 22:43 #50Member
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- Mar 2013
No advice but you are so brave and strong! Big hugs xxxx
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