We went through a similar patch after both our DS were born. Firstly you need to remember that each partner is going to have a different expectation of what should be done by the sahp. At this point your bubba probably senses the stress & this unsettles him also.
We both work part time so share the sahp role. The first thing DH did on his day was to enrol DS1 into swimming lessons. (Our pool has occasional care, so DS2 goes into that during the lesson). DS2 then gets some water play after the lesson with dad & brother. Each were much happier when they had a focus for the day. We also had to recognise that housework doesn't always get done, so had a minimum level of what needed to be done. With kids in cloth that was laundry. If anything else gets done tats a bonus. But we had to work as a team on days when we were both home to get the place in order. If meals are a problem, invest in a slow cooker, put everything in it in the morning & it's ready by dinner. Freeze a loaf worth of sandwiches & toast them for lunch. Seriously, an hours prep time on a Sunday afternoon gives us meals for most of the week. If your DH is struggling too much, maybe look for an occasional care to give him a time out for a couple of hours 1 day a week.
It does get easier as the baby gets bigger & can play on their own more.
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13-06-2013 07:47 #21Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2011
13-06-2013 07:48 #22
Hugs OP. TBH I'd be a LOT less patient with my DH than you are being right now if I was in that situation. PPs have already said it all but as the SAHP he needs to step it up and you also need a break too. To do what you do at home and then work an 11 hour day is not fair or sustainable.
13-06-2013 07:54 #23
Hugs waggers. You are having a rough trot.
No I don't think that's fair. I do think on your work days you should get more sleep as I'm worried about you driving. Yep by all means on your days off you do the night time parenting but on at least half your work days you might need to hand ball P to your Dh.
I do agree with PP that your Dh isn't coping. I was like that with my dd1. I ended up going back to work just 8hrs a week when dd1 was 10wks old and it was bliss. I managed so much better afterwards. It is very lonely being stuck at home all day esp if he is scared to take him out.
I would suggest you get a good sturdy jogging or running pram and get your Dh to take P for a walk/jog every morning to clear his head. I found both kids were either tired after the walk or passed out in the pram. Its a good way to leave the house and if you use bike tracks - meltdowns aren't noticed too much.
Also find a dads playgroup. Or take P swimming. Find an activity to break up the day.
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13-06-2013 09:33 #24
Hugs OP, sleep deprivation is a killer! I can't imagine having to work whilst suffering it also!
I have to ask though, why are you getting everything ready for him? If you didn't would he starve? Would your DS go undressed?
It seems to me the first thing I would do would to stop that, yeah it's nice to help him be organised but those things are part of HIS role in the team whilst you do your role, at paid work.
If he isn't capable of doing these things then maybe his role as the sahp needs to be revised?
13-06-2013 10:01 #25Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
I don't think it's fair you do the night wakings. I work part time and dh full time. On the days where I'm off work the next day I do any night wakings. If I'm working the next day dh does them.
Reason being is the person working needs the most sleep. Driving to work can be dangerous if your not getting sleep.
If my dh was a sahd I would expect he does the washing. Cleans up when he has time. Does the nappy bin if its getting smelly etc. as in all the things I would do as a sahm. He can't expect you to come home and pay him attention when u have a baby in tears and need to get the house hold chores done. That's not fair.
If it was me I would be talking about him going back to work. If he isn't happy with that then definitely try get him into a dads group or atleast going for a daily walk. Some days when I'm in doors all day with ds I feel a bit crazy at te end of the day and dh cops it. So maybe that's what's happening too?
13-06-2013 11:28 #26
Hugs to you Waggers. I know how long you've been struggling for.
Nothing much to add except that I agree it sounds like DH has depression and that I worry about you driving. You are also doing the lion's share of everything, I know you had an agreement about what would happen before you had P, but I think we can all feel too obligated to stick to agreements we may have made before truly knowing what we were agreeing to, iykwim. It's ok to change plans. Maybe he is feeling guilty that he isn't enjoying the SAHD as much as he should. Or maybe he feels weak that he is struggling and doesn't want to admit it? My hubby is the same about not wanting to take the baby out in case he cries. Maybe you could all go out for brekky or something so he can see the world doesn't stop when other people's babies cry. In fact, when I go out during the day it seems like the world is solely populated by parents with pushers and crying babies! People understand. Being housebound is v bad for mental health and a baby's development IMO.
Perhaps you could each make a list of what you do around to contribute to the house during the week, and what you perceive the other person to do in a week. Compare the lists and try and iron out some imbalances? Perhaps you could also then include a way to compare how much free time each of you has during the week. That sounds like an area where some change could be made - eg preparing the week's meals one afternoon a week might leave you an evening to spend together (and maybe DH can 'choose' to spend time with you instead of playing computer games. It's a two-way street!).
I know you are putting so much energy in to this and I hope you get some time to look after yourself too x
13-06-2013 12:03 #27
Again bub hub has made me feel better about being me
Dh is the type who is hard to help in some ways. He used to take P for at least one walk daily but lately P has been restless in the stroller so now dh is too nervous to try again - he thinks it'll go bad and then it does in part due to his negativity. Dh joined a dude group on line but has yet to go to any meetings - too far outside his comfort zone he says. Our local library has baby rhyme time on one of my work days but again dh is too nervous of P throwing a tanty.
I remember vividly the first week we got home after P was born. I had terrible constipation and had spent 20 minutes on the toilet before jumping in the shower. Dh just about kicked the door in as P was screaming and dh was panicking. He yelled at me then started bawling himself about P hating him etc. Even last night dh was still going on about P not liking him. P loves his daddy. He constantly watches dh and dh is the only person P has kissed (I'm a little jealous! )
Dh has always been sensitive. Problem is that P comes first now. Dh is not happy that he doesn't have 100% of my attention whenever he wants it. I'll be feeding or settling P and dh will start telling me a storey usually about computers and if I don't stop and pay him full attention he gets sulky and sometimes abusive.
I know what he's doing (long days with bub) is really difficult. I just think that what I do is tough too. I know we both need to support each other more. At present I'm even contemplating just how I'd cope as a single mother!
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13-06-2013 12:10 #28
Did we marry the same guy? :-p
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13-06-2013 12:16 #29
This is a tough one. When I was a SAHM (until DD was about 8mo) I often struggled to get housework/washing/cooking done. For the first few months DD barely slept and cried a lot, I would go all day without eating sometimes. I'd be a wreck at the end of the day. If someone told me i needed to suck it up and step up, I would have lost it completely!
I think there needs to be a healthy balance. Your DH does need to step up a little, certainly things like dressing bub, sorting out his own lunch etc. and he needs to build his confidence taking bub out on his own.
You guys really need to agree on what your roles & responsibilities are and be honest about your expectations of each other.
13-06-2013 12:19 #30Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
Oh gosh waggers, he does sound quite difficult and oversensitive tbh. I dont even know what to suggest. Good luck, I hope it all settles down for you soon.
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