Theory & reality are 2 very different things. It's one thing to talk about him being the SAHP & you going back to work, but it seems reality is a lot harder for both of you than you could have imagined. It sound like neither of you are getting much sleep which makes things a heck of a lot harder. And I agree with suggestions that maybe your dh could have PND or depression or he's just struggling. Being a SAHM is hard, but it's a lot more socially acceptable to be a SAHM than a SAHD. There aren't many dads that go to playgroup with their bubs ... I'm yet to find a playgroup for Dad's anywhere near us (my dh was a SAHD 2 days a week for 2 years).
Having you gone for 11+ hours a day is a long time for the 2 of them to be on their own too. 11 hours must seem like forever for him.
I suggest having a calm and non-judgemental discussion about it all is a good idea. Telling him to step up is not going to work. He is trying, really hard, and not managing. Reinforcing that will just make him more upset. Maybe family day care for 1 - 2 (or 3) days a week would be a better option now that the reality of everything has sunk in.
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12-06-2013 21:13 #11
13-06-2013 01:23 #12
Thanks everyone. Dh and I had a chat after we calmed down. I know that 11 hours is a long time. That's why I get everything ready - I'm up before 6 on work days to get everything from bibs to breakfast ready. When I get home I do take P for the evening and dh usually has a meal to reheat from the freezer rather than cooking. I do all the overnight wakings. Dh generally gets to sleep 6-9 hours a night (depending on how long he sits up at computer). I guess that's why I feel hard done by - sleep deprivation! !
I'm still not sure how we're going to get through this. We're both starting to resent the other. Time may be the best thing. I just dread leaving work each day never knowing what moods I'll get home to. And I dread even more a genuine emergency that keeps me at work late (I'm a veterinarian)
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13-06-2013 05:50 #13Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
I'd have something to say about that!!
13-06-2013 07:19 #14
Honestly, if he is the sahp he needs to step up a lot! I'm not saying he has to do everything but by the sounds of it, he is doing nothing!
I guess I'm looking at it from my pov as I'm a sahm. There is no way I would expect dh to get everything ready for the day before he left for work and I definitely wouldn't expect him to take care of bubs every single night.
I'm not saying your dh should do it all but he should be doing the majority.
I'm glad you guys have had a discussion and hopefully things change. Sounds like a stressful situation for both of you x
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13-06-2013 07:55 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
To me it sounds like you are doing everything within your power to make the situation easier on him, in my experience its generally the stay at home parent that takes the lions share of the night waking on top of baby care and home duties so to keep it in perspective, your hubby doesn't exactly seem hard done by.
However it's obviously not working, I wonder if you could have some honest communication with him about what he really needs from you, it sounds and probably feels like you are going above and beyond but perhaps the things you are doing are not the specific things he really wants or needs from you.
Like perhaps instead of spending the time preparing everything for him for the next day he might just crave that one on one adult interaction with you instead? Staying at home can be so lonely, my heart has always lifted when I hear hubby pull in the drive way and I think if he was rushing around focused on the next day I would miss his attention too.
I think you are doing an exceptional job mumma!
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13-06-2013 07:58 #16Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
I agree with both sides that yes he may have pnd or at least is struggling to cope but i also feel the OP is copping a seriously raw deal here.....when i was on mat leave there is NO WAY i would have expected dh to prepare breakfast and sandwiches etc for the day before work....there is NO WAY i would expect him to be settling at night most of the time...for settling yes it is unfair for the samp to have to do it ALL the time as its not fair for one parent to get a pretty good sleep and the other to alwys be tired....can u not either take turns eg on the night before u go to work dh imo should do the majority of settling but when u dont work then he can have a break from it or he does the first few settles then gets a block of sleep and vice versa....i think the reality for dh in being a sahd has not met with the fantasy as its imo often a lot tougher than going to " work" ...u need to be organised at home as well eg while someone bathes the baby the other cooks dinner, my dh would often bath babies as i needed a break by the time he got home...to expect u to come home and give him attention as well...pfffff grow up , he needs to realise that the baby takes precedence ....op do u think he may have pnd? I have a friend who is primary breadwinner and has to do the majority of caregiver and night wakes etc...she is always bordering in a breakdwn and her quality of life is imo low....its just not fair ...im sorry but i agree your dh needs to furstly adreess any mental health issues but he also needs to step up a bit too...
13-06-2013 08:13 #17
I know how it feels to work long days, you are physically and mentally drained by the end of the day, I'd struggle coming home to your situation too. I don't think you're being unfair. I don't think it's fair of you to be getting up every night, making lunches etc etc, that's crazy! Your DH needs to step up in that respect. But I definitely agree it sounds like he may have pnd or something? Have you tried speaking to him about how he's feeling?
13-06-2013 08:20 #18
He comes home from work of a night or a morning if he's done a night shift and deals with the toddler and 4 year old. He also gets up during the night to our toddler (wow I sound like a B* writing this).
It sounds like you do everything for your DH. I don't think you are being unfair you must be so exhausted working long hours, getting up all night and preparing everything for bub and your DH- even his lunch. You are being very considerate. I doubt he would be doing these things for you if the roles were reversed??
Is he bored? Lonely? Does he get out much? Because I know that these things can make me feel like cr@p.
13-06-2013 08:32 #19
It might help to ask him what he would expect from you as a SAHP if the roles were reversed. It might put things into perspective for him, as I know I can't imagine my husband making sandwiches for me every day.
13-06-2013 08:43 #20-
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
You sound like you're doing a wonderful job under the circumstances. Sleep deprivation is so hard :-(
Are you both hoping to have one of you at home with him until a certain age (eg. preschool age?) Would daycare 1 day a week be an option to give you both a bit of a break?
We had a similar arrangement, but it was when my first 2 children were a bit older and we worked shorter hours (dp and I worked around each other, so one of us was always home with the kids). With my third baby, I put her in daycare a couple of days a week when she was 12 months (I was reluctant to, but it has worked out really well for us)
ETA: Sometimes (more so for dads, perhaps?) the sahp role isn't what you expect. It may be that he loves his son to bits, but isn't actually enjoying the sahp role as much as he thought he would, but is hesitant to say this, as he previously agreed he'd be a sahp and doesn't want to let you down?
Last edited by 1234Guest; 13-06-2013 at 09:45.
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