Hello ladies! I apologize in advance for the wordy post, but I need to vent to someone who understands what I'm going through, which I'm sure someone here might
I am a first time mum to a 5 1/2 month old boy. I have been kind of doing my own variation on attachment parenting. I respond to my baby quickly when he is upset, I breastfeed on demand, and recently I have started cuddling him to sleep as his sleep patterns have been changing and he seems to be having trouble falling asleep on his own like he used to. He has always slept in a bassinet next to our bed, and occasionally we do bedshare. I have no issues with doing any of these things, and in fact I really enjoy doing them, and I really do notice that we have a strong bond and he trusts me a great deal. My husband is also very active in caring for him despite working full-time (I am still at home with bubba during the day, btw).
The issue that I am having is with mainly my mother and MIL. I am American and moved to Melbourne to live with my DH, and I've been here over 3 years now. My parents are still in the US. From the time Noah was born, my mom would make comments to me on Skype that I was holding Noah too much, not letting him cry long enough before picking him up, etc. I brushed it off because I felt comfortable in what I was doing and was confident that I couldn't spoil him. My MIL would make similar comments at first, but I didn't mind that either to begin with.
About a month ago, Noah started getting upset when we would go to the in-laws house and either my MIL or SIL would hold him. At first I thought maybe he just is getting tired or hungry, but he does it every time we go over there (at least once a week). As soon as he comes back to me, he is fine. So now that he's been doing that, MIL has been making more and more comments about "he needs to realize that he doesn't need you to be right there all the time" and things along those lines. Will he become more comfortable with other people the more we are around them? Part of me is just worried that he will never feel comfortable with other people, which I'm sure is not true. So I guess I'm just looking for reassurance here or for experiences that some of you can share?
Sorry to keep typing, but on top of that, my mom is putting the pressure on me to put Noah in his own room at night, just because my brother and sister and I were all in our own rooms from the time we got home from the hospital. She thinks that we would all sleep better if we did move him out, and I keep telling her that we all sleep fine. Noah's not bothered by my husband's super loud snoring, and we have never been bothered by his baby noises.
It just frustrates me because when I was pregnant, the biggest piece of advice that I got from people was to listen to my instincts. Well I'm doing that, and now people are telling me not to! Thanks in advance for your replies, I just really need some encouragement right now
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06-06-2013 12:24 #1Junior Member
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- Jun 2013
06-06-2013 12:31 #2Senior Member
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- Oct 2012
Dont even listen to them. Parent the way you want to parent. They had their chance and decided to do it their way, give yourself the ability to do the same. You are doing great, ds will not be 25 and only want to be around you.
If it gets too much, you need to just gently say "we're raising our child the way we decide, but thank you for your concern"
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06-06-2013 12:42 #3
Argh! I know what you mean. I parent differently and bub is still like this. It is a developmental milestone - it means they are smart and their brains are developing! I got this too and it was because they didn't see him enough. Urgh.
Get the wonder weeks book and arm yourself with the developmental knowledge and then tell them this! I have to do it all the time when they see bub being whingey. He is just learning and his brain is about to explode!
Ps you are doing an awesome job that works for you and your family. Don't change!
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06-06-2013 12:53 #4
Yep, you are doing great.
It's totally natural as a baby gets older and realises where the food, safety and comfort come from, they want to stay in that zone. It is an inbuilt survival instinct to be as close to his primary caregiver as possible, and will gradually change as he gets older, and starts hitting new developmental milestones which allow him to slowly start to separate from you. It all happens when it is supposed to, trust yourself, trust your bub, and just ignore anyone who wants to undermine you.
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06-06-2013 12:55 #5
Just bear in mind that a lot has changed since our parents had babies! There is a wealth of knowledge out there that we can tap in to that they didn't have access to. We are so much more educated with formal information.
Having been a part of a family where the child wouldn't go near GPs or Aunts/Uncles for a looong time, it's hard, so I see where the grandparents are coming from. But it's not your fault!! Simetimes its just the child's nature i believe.
Like OP said, parent they way you believe is correct and hold true to your values! Best of luck 😊.
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06-06-2013 12:57 #6
You sound like you are doing a fantastic job and your little boy has all the confidence he needs in his mummy and daddy. Please don't second guess yourself when they make these comments. Your son is still only young and has every right to feel more comfortable with you.
My 4th daughter is 15months and will still have a cry for awhile when someone else holds her, she just knows that I'm always there and I'm happy with that!
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06-06-2013 13:09 #7
My strategy is to smile, nod, agree, mumble along and do what I blardy well like. You're the mummy, you do what works for your family. Sounds like you're doing great
06-06-2013 13:14 #8
oh yes, the old 'smile and nod' has helped me through years of child rearing, and unsolicited advice
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06-06-2013 13:15 #9
hi noahsmummy, You are doing a great job, you and your hubby are not having any problems with noah. Your parents and parents inlaw are imagining you are having problems because you are doing things differently. When they see noah upset, they see it as a problem, but you see it as noah expressing his wants and needs. I would be quite clear to them, these little behaviours are not a problem. You and your husband are both happy and well rested, noah is doing fine, there is only their perspective, their views, and since the patterns are different they see it as wrong. Im not suggesting you make a big deal about it, but just give them a nod of the head, and continue as you are. If it does get too much for you, you can always visit a little less often or for a shorter time. hugs, Marie.
06-06-2013 13:36 #10
My biggest frustration so far thru pregnancy, birth and motherhood has been at every single person feeling it is their right to tell u how THEY believe u should be nurturing n raising YOUR child.
Once I realized everything I was doing (usually gut- or heart-led) was right for Miss C (around 6wks), I was able to relax a hell of a lot more.
Miss C is 8mths now, and has started to be extra clingy - but I know this is completely normal and part of her developmental journey. She is extra confident (and has the bruises to prove it!) in everything she is doing (crawling, pulling herself up, standing). And she obv recognizes our close family n friends that we see regularly now - but still needs to 'check in', or 'reboot' with me often during exploration n play.
My biggest pet-hate is the term 'Mummas girl/boy'. Uhm - duh! When u spend do much time with them, who are they going to want to be with when feeling insecure??? My child is def not over spoilt, and I can tell the difference between her cranky cries, her tired cries, or her hurt/sad cries. No one apart from my hubby knows them, so how dare they come in and start telling me I should let her cry, as she's just testing us!!!!!
Sorry, this may have turned into a vent, but def do what works and keeps ur lil family happy. No one else has the right. I don't have the guts to bite back at the in-laws unfortunately (especially re Miss C's eating routine) - I know where those situations end up!!!!! - or our choices for family day care n times, so I too, usually mumble thanks for the advice - and even tell lil white lies its to keep things easy.
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