What are your thoughts?
My husband is sneaking out of the house after he thinks I have gone to bed or when he thinks I'm not around for a while to have a smoke after he claims that he has quit. I sometimes pop out of nowhere and I think he actually thinks I'm an idiot and can't smell it all over him as he is having a good old munch on chewy.
I haven't said anything to him but I have mentioned in general conversation how I feel about the subject. We have a baby due in 3 weeks and I will not tolerate him stinking of cigarettes and coming near our baby.
How do you bring it up if I haven't actually seen him do it?
Hmmm... Very frustrating!
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05-06-2013 22:34 #1
05-06-2013 22:55 #2
When you smoke you think you can hide is, once you quit you see how stupid you were. Lol
I'd just say straight out that he stinks and you don't appreciate him lying to your face!
But you need to remember quitting is hard, some people can't just stop over night, especially if they are being forced.
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giggle berry (06-06-2013)
05-06-2013 23:01 #3
Having quit smoking several times myself, I understand how hard it is. He's likely to be defensive and possibly feeling bad about himself.
I would approach it as if it's common knowledge to avoid conflict but try to be supportive as it's the best way for him to quit. I would say something like 'I've noticed you're struggling with fully giving up smoking. It's so important to the health of our baby to not be around smoke. How can I help you to quit for good?'
I know you're probably feeling annoyed and frustrated, but it is a hell of an addiction. If he tried to deny it I would calmly say 'please don't lie to me about it', then keep talking. If he keeps denying it I would just say, 'let's talk about this another time. Just remember, I'll do what I can to help you.' and leave him to think about it. I'd also arm myself with information about how passive smoking affects babies so you can stay rational and on message, and not make it emotional, iykwim.
Just my late night muddled thoughts. Good luck!
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06-06-2013 10:48 #4Senior Member
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- Brisbane North
after he has snuck out of the bed, creep out 2-3 mins later and bust him. he has no excuses to deny then.
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06-06-2013 11:02 #5
I've given up trying to get my dh to quit , he tried and failed time and time again and whilst I no longer smoke and havnt for a few months now, I just let it go. Sorry I'm no help
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06-06-2013 11:07 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2006
Very frustrating. I have gone through the same thing with my DH - who is back to smoking openly. As much as it stresses me out there are a couple of things. He smoked when I met him, he is a grown man who can make his own decisions, no one can ever really quit unless they want to.
As much as it sucks OP - he really has to want to do it himself.
I'm like monstermoo - I've just let it go, it isn't my call.
06-06-2013 11:22 #7
I am the smoker in our relationship. From my own point of view if DH was forcing me to quit I would find it incredibly hard. I would also really resent him and I think it would possibly put a strain on our relationship. I was a smoker when DH met me and if he didn't like it then he should have walked away. I know I will quit one day. When I am ready. I wonder how you DH feels about having to sneak around to have a smoke? Maybe rather than 'busting' him smoking you can sit down and talk to him about it. You might find he has tried really hard but just can't do it.
06-06-2013 11:34 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2012
Maybe instead of forcing the quitting, you put measures in place for when bub is born. After every cigarette he has to change his shirt, wash his hands to the elbow and brush his teeth.
Extreme, but in the past 5 years there hasn't been a case of SIDS where the baby wasn't exposed to a smoker in the 24 hours prior to death.
Coming from a SIDS family, I know my dad has never forgiven himself once he learned it was potentially his smoking that had an effect on his son dying.
Maybe with these measures in place he will quit himself?
I dont think you can make him doing anything he doesn't want to, just do the best you can
06-06-2013 14:29 #9
I agree with a PP about pressuring him. I stopped smoking about 5 years ago and had several attempts before I was successful. The reality is he needs to be ready to do it for himself. He can't do it for anyone else.
I would just mention to him that he smells of smoke and that you know he is smoking again. I would mention that this a breach of trust and in order for you to support him in stopping, he needs to be honest with you.
Explain you may want to enforce some measures once baby is here, and that he will need to wash his hands before touching baby, wear a dedicated smoking jacket outside so he doesn't stink so much inside the house, etc etc. TBH, I just think having a newborn and smoking would be a mega hassle. Often you don't have time to pee, let alone go outside and smoke.
I would also mention that you wouldn't tolerate him using going out for a smoke as a get away. He needs to be accessible to you for support with your baby, when he is at home. Parenting is a shared gig.
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06-06-2013 15:42 #10
Thanks guys! As someone who also smoked, I appreciate how hard it can be but sneaking out and honestly thinking I'm that silly enough to not notice... he's definitely off the planet. I just don't like the dishonesty. I suppose I'll have to wait and see how it all plays out. After TTC for 2 years and all of the things the DR's told us about smoking when trying to conceive and smoking during pregnancy and beyond, I really thought he'd had the smoke scared out of him as I did
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