Back in end of 2010 I lost twins so suddenly and the only time I cried was when leaving the hospital after that I just pretended to be ok just so my family wouldn't keep asking if I was ok. February 2011 I had a missed mc and that was horrible I wanted to wait for my body to take care of it so I didn't have to go to that hospital again, a week and a half later I was rushed into surgery with a infection. I never grieved then for the same reason but I distanced myself from everyone because I felt like a horrible failure. New Years Eve 2011 I found out I was pregnant again at the time we were doing a tri state driving holiday with our children so I couldn't get to a Dr, while away I suffered 2 bleeds and thought for sure it was over but after we go home we found the baby was fine. I bled the next month as well but again baby was fine. 2nd trimester I bought a Doppler for reassurance and in the 3rd trimester my liver starting failing due to the hormones where if everything wasn't balanced right then it could of been fatal for both baby and me. August 2012 we welcomed our 3rd child a 2nd son and he was perfect except for a calcium deficiency but 2 weeks of medication fixed that. Still convinced he would be taken I became obsessed with SIDS and was convinced he would be taken, I got help and put on meds and got better. I was fine until the month of May, our twins would of been celebrating their 2nd birthday and that realisation has hit me hard and I am finding I am now grieving and I can't tell anyone because I feel guilty because we have our little bug and I am so grateful that we have him and really couldn't imagine life without him but if the twins had survived we wouldn't have him. So I am grieving and being swallowed by guilt and don't know how to handle it. I hide in the toilet to cry so no one sees me, I don't sleep and have become so run down I have gotten a auto immune virus that has ulcers popping up everywhere. I don't even know why I have written this post, just to get it out I think. Sorry if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes this was typed very quickly
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01-06-2013 19:57 #1
Grief and guilt
01-06-2013 20:03 #2
I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry to hear the loss you have suffered loodle sending you lots of hugs xx.
Is there anyway you can speak to your DH about how you are feeling? Do something in memory of the twins and baby you lost? You shouldn't have to feel guilty, it's not your fault!! You have every reason to grieve too!
01-06-2013 20:06 #3
We have done a little garden and I have a memorial tattoo, but the problem is I think because I never grieved so it has all hit me now and I feel so guilty for it because I have my baby and so many don't get that. So I just feel stupid and ashamed
01-06-2013 20:08 #4
I have no advice but couldn't read without offering you lots and lots of hugs.
01-06-2013 20:13 #5
I understand that because you have your DS you feel like you can't grieve for your twins, but I think you should be able to grieve for your twins and celebrate your DS as well. Your twins were and are still your children and you deserve to be able to mourn for them. It doesn't mean you love your DS any less
Don't feel ashamed and stupid, it takes time to process and come to terms with what has happened.
01-06-2013 20:21 #6
Maybe have a read on "complicated grief".
01-06-2013 20:26 #7
By allowing yourself to grieve for you lost babies does not take away from the fact that you love and want your children.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotion you are keeping bottled up.
I'm so sorry for your loss
01-06-2013 20:29 #8
I just don't understand why it has hit me now, 2 yrs after it happened. I think maybe it has always been there behind a wall and that wall is now crumbling. Thanks everyone I already feel a little better just finally telling people
01-06-2013 20:36 #9
I don't have any advice but couldn't read and not reply. Just wanting to send you massive hugs xxx
01-06-2013 20:38 #10
It might be happening now because your mind thinks you can handle it now. Grief is a strange thing, we tend to think of it as something you get through or get over but that's not the case.
It sounds like you haven't allowed yourself to grieve until now, it does happen that way sometimes.
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