Staying together for the kids and living in a dysfunctional relationship creates a perception that that kind of relationship is 'ok' or 'normal', which doesn't help when the kids grow up & start their own relationships (trust me!).
I can't imagine staying in a unhappy situation, just for the kids. I would rather be a happy single Mum that my kids could be proud of. In saying that, I would do my damnedest to ensure I could maintain an amicable relationship with the father for shared custody.
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27-05-2013 12:37 #21
27-05-2013 12:45 #22Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
My husbands father stayed in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my husbands mother until the youngest was 18. Then he left.... His sons both married into emotionally abusive relationships that mirrored their parents. Thankfully my husbands ex wife left him and heMs now in a happy relationship with me but his brother is trapped and both bots have said they would do what their dad did and stay til the kids are grown up. Pretty **** 20 or do years being miserable and staying for your kids and it doesn't teach your kids anything about happy relationships
27-05-2013 14:04 #23
Having grown up in a family where my Mum and Dad stayed together longer than they should have I honestly believe it is much better to leave than stay for the kids.
Kids pick up on more than you think and I wished for them to seperate but they didn't until I was 15.
Sent from my telecommunications device.
27-05-2013 17:41 #24
It's just a very old-fashioned view that children are better off if the parents stay *together*. It simply isn't the case. Children are better off when they have love and support and happy parents, no matter what the structure or arrangement of their family is. Everyone knows this these days, so the fact people still subscribe to this theory baffles me. I think the example in the OP is about what seems to be the better option for the individual parents and is a cop- out.
28-05-2013 09:52 #25
It can be really hard to leave a partner when you have a kid, especially if you're not exactly going to be living well independent from your partner (perhaps you're a SAHM with numerous kids, and even if you've got plenty of qualifications, working out the logistics of getting to and from work within daycare hours, and being able to afford daycare for them, etc etc etc...). You want your child to have ample opportunity, you don't want to be "that b*tch who tore a father and his child apart," etc. You know there was a time when things were better... and after all, he might not be a great partner, but he's a great dad... and you'd really like to give your kid some siblings... might as well with the same man... etc etc.
There's so much going on in the mind of someone considering leaving a person they've had kids with, that I can absolutely see why many just give up and tough it out until the kids leave... THEN part ways.
I don't personally think that's a good idea, because I grew up in a family where this was the case. Mum DID eventually leave dad before we grew up and left home, but she did it when I was 14... she should have done it 10 years sooner tbh.
I kept the experience of living in a home where you could tell your mother loathed your father, and where you were old enough to realise that the only reason she was there was for your sake, is what made me leave DD's father... because while little children don't know any better, as you get older you do realise what's actually going on, to some degree at least, and it's not nice to your know mother is living in misery because she thinks it'll be best for you. It's crap to live in a tension-filled home, with a mother who isn't happy (no matter how well she pretends to be).
28-05-2013 09:56 #26
I'd probably lose my kids if my husband and I separated.
So having kids definitely adds additional pressure on making things work. We don't have issues (aside from who's doing the dishes), but I imagine I'd be very reluctant to leave while my kids were under 18, even if things were ugly.
28-05-2013 10:28 #27Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
I wonder if sometimes parents stay together to avoid things like dealing with custody arrangements or because they don't like the idea of how the other parent would deal with the children on their own? I can somewhat relate to that.
28-05-2013 10:49 #28
I think it's crazy. Especially in Australia where "kids" stay at home so long!
28-05-2013 11:14 #29
I couldn't imagine having the feeling of not wanting to be with my dh just for a start and then to think I'm not happy so I will hang in there because of the kids. If it were that way I couldn't stay in an unhappy relationship and wouldn't like the kids to be brought up in one either.
Dh's mum hates his dad, she is 78 now and wished she had left him years ago but felt that her only option was to stay because it was the right thing to do back then. They have always argued like cat and dog and it hasnt eased even though they are elderly now. Dh said it was not pleasant to be brought up with that.
And my brothers ex, she had 4 kids and kept thinking the relationship would get better but finally she excepted it never would and left him for good. Best thing she ever did was get herself and the kids out of an abusive violent relationship.
28-05-2013 11:52 #30
Life's too short to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. Leaving my ex was the best decision I've made. I wish I'd never met him, but I can't go back in time so the next best thing was to leave him.
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