We are 90% sure we our family is complete with one gorgeous DS, just turned 2, born after several IVF attempts. I've mainly felt lucky and blessed to have just the one, and TBH I was struggling to cope in his first year as he was a pretty challenging bub. But as he gets older and mothers gp friends etc are moving on to #2, I do wonder. If I list all the aspects, the positives of being a 3-person family seem to far outweigh the negatives. Financially (we can barely afford a 2-brm flat in Sydney), attention to DS (he is the sort of child that needs a LOT!)/ coping with 2 young kids (I think I would really struggle and it would put a lot of strain on our relationship), socially, career-wise (Im just starting to re-engage with work and thinking about retraining as an option), environmental concerns etc.
I think if Dh and I were 10 years younger we would consider having another much more seriously, but I'm 41 (and have a lot of signs of perimenopause, which is to be expected given my ovarian reserve was cr&p at age 37-38) he is 46 ... We do have a frostie, but after that it would have to be fresh IVF cycles, and my response was pretty bad at age 38...The thought of undergoing IVF again makes me feel nauseous...I never want to be in that emotional place again - it completely took over my life and I was in a very negative headspace.
So why do I still feel some guilt? It may be partly family expectations, or wider society, or just my body's hormones saying that time is running out.
Anyway, sorry I know i am rambling here, but just wanting to connect w others in a similar position. And seeking positive stories of sole-child families...
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14-05-2013 15:51 #1
Fairly certain, but...
14-05-2013 15:58 #2
Subbing - we want another one but after a mc last year I'm scared plus I'm 42 so I'm telling myself its over but I would love DS to have a sibling and DH would love another child
14-05-2013 16:54 #3Smile :)
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
- north east victoria
subbing too - I have one dd who turns 5 this yr. Ive had 2 miscarraiges in 8 months. People tell me I should be lucky I have a healthy child and I am but Ive always wanted 2 children for as long as I can remember. Im 40 this year but don't want to give up hope yet that my dd will have a brother or sister to grow up with. She has a step sister but she is 11 years older.
14-05-2013 20:31 #4
Very sorry to hear of yr miscarriages, Elijah's mum and Hans mum. I had two losses as well before DS (very early - chem pg's really) and that's a factor for me too - it was such a heart-wrenching process. I hope you both have a sticky BFP soon.
Anyone out there who is fairly sure their family is complete but still not 100% decided? Or that is happy as a sole-child family? I have to say I know very few ppl IRL who say "that's it, we are done" - most seem to want another either straight away or down the track.
I do think hormonal issues are part of it for me - I think about this around ovulation but not so much the rest of the month. Perhaps I just need a hormonal overhaul!
14-05-2013 20:52 #5
I was an only and absolutely loved it growing up. If you google personality traits of only children you will see that being an "only" certainly has its positives and very few negatives. The biggest negative for me was the outside's world view of "only's" as being spoilt, lonely, bossy etc. in fact i hated telling people i was an only child because they always made some snarky comment. The first time I ever truly felt some inkling of regret about being an only was watching my 2 children interact but I also get just as many moments were I want to adopt one out because I can't stand the fighting. People that have really big families also face some negativity from society so I guess unless you have 2.5 kids with one of each gender your pretty much stuffed.
14-05-2013 21:25 #6
Thanks, RipperRita. I've seen that research showing the benefits of being an "only" and it is reassuring. You have reminded me of a book on the subject that I should order. The outside world's view of sole children is still very predjudiced even these days - you get comments like "you cant only have one, it's not fair on the child" etc. Which i should just brush off - as you say, you can't keep everyone happy! It is always upsetting to hear it though, and it does upset me that DS will also hear this as he gets older. It will be my job to make sure he knows how much he is loved and that our family is right for US rather than anyone else's preconceptions.
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14-05-2013 21:44 #7
Our first baby was stillborn at 20weeks, so when we got our precious miracle, we thought yep, that's it, we are done! We were positive and very happy. I read a lot of books about the benefits of being an only child and was very very happy with that decision. I had no urge at all to have another. That all changed when she was 2.5 and DH thought maybe we should try again we had another beautiful daughter who was still born at 33weeks. Have tried once more and currently 26weeks along. This is definately my last pregnancy regardless! If things go 'normal' the great! I will be over the moon. If we loose another baby, once the grief settles, I will once again be happy with the decision of one on earth.
What I'm trying to say is that one child is totally acceptable for your life, circumstances etc. please don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Enjoy the benefits of one, there are soooo many
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14-05-2013 21:49 #8
By the way I so loved being an only I planned on only having one child myself but accidentally fell pregnant 3 months after ds was born. Now that I have dd I couldn't imagine life without her but I do struggle with having 2 small children 13 months apart... This is what I look like most days
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14-05-2013 21:53 #9
DD will be an only child (well I guess it's possible she may have much younger half siblings later down the track if her dad has more children, but that will not likely be till she is a teenager).
It took me a while to come to terms with it but I am definitely glad that DD is an only child now. She will have so many advantages and opportunities that I couldn't offer her if I had more children, and yes there are advantages to having siblings as well, but they are not better or worse - just different.
Children are all individuals and anyone who makes assumptions about any child without getting to know them is an idiot and not worth any consideration anyway.
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14-05-2013 22:39 #10
I was 37 and SH 47 when DD was conceived, out of the blue (we were together for 6 weeks, but a long time coming, happy story).
We tried again and had three miscarriages. Meant to be, none of the babies were viable.
The day I decided enough (and not DH, me) my life changed. I became happy, content, planning for the future, settled, my joke is "I get a sports car, she gets private school". But it's true. She has 10 close cousins, her most distant overseas she has met 8 times and she is three.
I find I do need to keep her company more, but that's not her fault, and I see it as my advantage that when she's older, I can remember time together just she and I.
There are so many positives.
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