I am sure there are a lot of people who have been in a similar position to me, whether in my position or that of my partner.
I have been a single parent to DS for most of his life (he is turning 7soon) and DP and I have been together since last August, and were together over a year before that for about 12 months.
I am unexpectedly pregnant (now 24weeks) and the plan is to be living together before the baby comes in September.
DS still sees his dad every second weekend, and up until now any other help I have needed I have asked my mum for.
I am starting to feel like if we are together and bringing another baby into this mix then DP needs to take a little responsibility for DS. Whether that means having him when I am in hospital after the birth of the baby, or even just some nights doing the bath/bed thing.
So I am curious what is/isn't reasonable to expect and how do I broach the subject? I do not want to end up in a position where he. Sees one child as his responsibility and the other as solely mine because I do not believe it should work that way.
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13-05-2013 09:05 #1
Advice wanted re blended families
13-05-2013 09:28 #2
I don't have children with my dp but he does help me with my 2 children. It was a gradual thing as he got more comfortable and bonded with them, now he will look after them if I have appointments etc. or pick dd up from school, do her home readers with her etc. but most responsibility still falls on me especially the decision making and discipline. we've been together 20 months, we don't live together yet, but he still helps me. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for help, especially if you have another child together, they should be treated equally.
13-05-2013 09:35 #3
When it comes to blended families forget all preconcieved ideas on how families should work. You can't force relationships to happen or bonds to form. They have to happen naturally which can take years (if at all). Perhaps you should look up some info on blended families as it sounds like you have high expectations of your dp and in my opinion your setting yourself up for failure. The most important things you can practise in a blended family is kindness, tolerance and acceptance and hope that the rest happens naturally. Good luck with ur pregnancy.. Xxx
13-05-2013 09:36 #4
I think if you have been living with him for a year and are having a baby to him then he should be treating your son like his own, you can't have him favouring one child over the other. Just sit down and talk about it. Maybe he thinks because your so has a dad he doesn't want to replace him, but he should be helping you if you two are making a home together.
13-05-2013 09:40 #5
We aren't living together yet, but will be soon.
And they do get on great, he is quite happy to take DS to the park etc if I ask. DS absolutely adores him too.
I guess every situation is different and we need to find what works for us.
14-05-2013 12:17 #6Junior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2011
In my opinion- if you go into dating someone knowing they have a child then raising that child has to be something u are willing to do or starting the relationship is pointless.
Your son has a father who is active in his life, you are not seeking a replacement dad. Let that be known.
However I believe that if you are living as a family then ur current partner does need to step up- to what level and with what "power go discipline" Etc is up to the both of you to work out.
14-05-2013 13:23 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
If you haven't lived together yet then it will take some time before your partner devolops a bond with your DS.
I dont think step parents should be made to feel they need to take their stepkids on as their own because it doesn't work like that.
The stepkids often have both bio parents in their lives and they don't need a replacement mum or dad.
Last edited by Blue Dragon; 20-05-2013 at 21:47.
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14-05-2013 13:33 #8
I personally felt that to just thrust DD onto DP and expect him to act as a father to her was asking far too much. It happened really really slowly.
Obviously he had financial obligations to us when we moved in together, but beyond that I didn't expect much help. Sure, get her a drink if she asks you, maybe watch her for 5 mins while I use the toilet but beyond that, not much was expected.
It's worked well for us... He doesn't feel like he's been pushed into anything and hasn't been overwhelmed by being an insta-dad to DD.
Now, aside from the fact he doesn't have the official title, he acts as her father... But we have been together for almost 5 years and I would say its only really been the last 18 months that I've expected him to be as if she were his in regards to his support with her. They needed to develop a relationship and I wanted to make sure it moved at a pace that everyone was comfortable with... I didn't want him to feel overwhelmed and run away from us.
So obviously, I wouldn't be expecting him to do much for your son at this point other than what you would ask from a friend... Occasional care if you can't organise an alternative etc. Especially as you do not live together and he already has a father who is hopefully pulling his own weight.
14-05-2013 13:38 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2010
We decided from day dot that any kid in our house is treated as if its our child. We felt it saves less confusion for the kids & us. We had many talks on our ideas for children that we hadn't had with the people we actually had children with.
Within our house this works very well & people comment regularly that you wouldn't know we are a blended family.
However we have had family & one of the exs have a massive problem with this. It has resulted in us cutting certain family members which was unfortunately necessary & while its eased our stress unfortunately hasn't completely stopped them causing us trouble
14-05-2013 13:40 #10
I think its a good idea to talk to him about it and ask him what he thinks & what his expectations are.
My dad meet my mum when my eldest brother's were 5 & 7. My dad loves kids and was very proactive with them from the start (he later adopted them after my brothers birth father suggested it but that's another story). But this is what my dad was/is comfortable with. Your partner hopefully will be able to be responsible for both children eventually but it probably needs to start small and give them time to develop a relationship.
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