Let me start by saying I battled severe mental health issues as an adolescent. I dug my way out of a hole every mental health expert had said I would never get out of.
So fast forward 10 years and 3 babies (2nd baby boy passed 2 hours after birth) and I am falling apart in a way I never thought I would again.
Love being a mum and my DS4 and DD7 weeks are my everything and everyone tells me what an exceptional mother I am. My DD sleeps through the night already. But the rest of my life is cr*p. I do not trust anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't feel anything but hatred for my husband and I won't have anything to do with any of my family (except for my parents as they can see I am struggling and force me to interact).
My biggest stress and issue at the moment is the fact that when we lost our son all I could do with him was hold him in my arms while he passed. Watching each breath get smaller and smaller. I didn't get to care for my baby. Didn't feed him or bath him or wrap him in a swaddle. Now I have my baby girl, my rainbow baby and I can't let any small portion of her care be taken care of by anybody.
If she so much as whimpers I am a emotional wreck. We are talking complete break down. She is not allowed to cry. I couldn't do anything for my son when he was born and passed so how dare I lose any opportunity to care for my daughter.
No one is allowed to hold her and it doesn't help that on the odd occasion I have let my husband hold her she won't let anyone hold her anyway. When everyone in the family had the obligatory first hold when they visited us I had panic attacks and even just thinking about people taking her I panic.
I am also gravely aware of the fact that after my years of issues as a teenager I have come out the other side with zero social skills and absolutely no friends. So every time I feel sad or depressed or anxious I have no one to turn to. I am just lost.
Now I realise I am slipping and I realise I have issues but I am trying to fix them. I drag my family and dog out every afternoon for a walk around the local park. My main thing I need to get over is my lack of social skills . I just know that if I had friends to have a cuppa with I would not be as lonely and things would not fester.
So I guess I am writing this to vent mainly and also am I write in thinking the anxiousness, panic attacks and depression is PND? My next midwife appointment is in a little over 2 weeks so I will let her know how I feel then and get help if she feels I need it.
Like a said probably mainly a vent. Hope this is the write area to write in.
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20-04-2013 17:23 #1Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
Never thought I'd be here
20-04-2013 17:44 #2
Hugs to you, it's probably natural to be over protective of your dd after such a sad loss. I have no real advice other than to say at least you are aware that you need support. That's always the biggest step so you're one step ahead already
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20-04-2013 18:04 #3
Big hugs hun. I think you need to make an appointment with your gp asap and go from there.
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20-04-2013 19:53 #4
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29-04-2013 20:04 #5
Delisa i just want to say i understand xo.
29-04-2013 20:35 #6Junior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
delisa, just know you are not alone. I admire you for recognising somethings not quite right so early after your daughters been born. I had pnd after my second, only it took me years to recognise it and do something about it and lost much and many in my life because of it. I also lost many valuable hours / days / weeks with my family, and missed out on so many important times with my newborn because I was too busy wrapped up in my depression and post traumatic stress. So much of her 1st year is just a blur. Please don't wait until your next appt. Please make an apt with your gp for asap to get a mental health plan, and while your waiting for this, book an apt with a psych or someone you will feel comfortable with. Being alone and having no friends will make this harder. Your counsellor will help you with social skills, perhaps you could join a mothers group or playgroup, or even start a post on here to connect with mothers in your area if you don't feel comfortable talking to people face to face straight away. All the support you can get the better. Do you mind me asking if you received help to get you through your sons passing?? It does sound like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and no one can blame you for the way you are feeling or behaving with your daughter. Please don't ever feel ashamed of any of it, you sound like a very strong person to have come this far. Good luck xx
29-04-2013 20:38 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
- Adelaide, South Australia
I feel you are acting as any mother would after such a terrible loss, but if you have suffered bad mental health in the past its best to speak with someone much sooner than later, two weeks may seem like not that long away, but in reality when your depressed, it can be like years away, I know my hospital in SA has a mental health midwife, do you know if your hospital offers this service? even make an appt with your gp to discuss this. hope you start to feel better soon
29-04-2013 21:14 #8
Im on my phone which is playing up so can't write too much but just wanted to give you my support. I suffered pretty severe PND and anxiety after the births of my babies and have made a thorough recovery (even though it felt hopeless and impossible a year ago). I also isolated myself when I was unwell, mainly because I was embarrassed and ashamed of how I was acting and what I was going through. If your near Brisbane.. I'm new here and need some friends. Anyway... Like others have said, your best bet is getting on top of it ASAP so see a gp and go from there. The fact you are so aware of what's wrong and recognise early warning signs means you that one step closer to getting better. Take care xx
29-04-2013 21:39 #9
I couldn't read without writing.
PND is rough, as is any mental illness. Make an appt to see your GP.
Please keep us updated on how you are travelling.
Best of luck xo
27-05-2013 11:37 #10
Hows things OP?
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