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  1. #191
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Okay, my husband after we had our third said no more, and I desperately wanted a fourth. To the point where I would get really really worked up and upset about it all the time. I can't describe how strong the yearning was, I was so happy with the three I had, he hadn't renegged on anything (we'd never decided on a number), but I just so badly wanted another child, and what made it hurt even more was that he was just NOT WILLING to negotiate. At all. I know for all those married to their 'best friend' you may not understand, all this talk of "your needs do not override his" etc. But when your husband completely dismisses YOUR desires and put his needs above yours, it HURTS. A lot! THAT'S not fair either! Unfortunately someone is going to lose, because you can't compromise on a baby by 'halving it' or anything. And the way I see it, our kids were all (genuinely) unplanned, and he loves all of them, and can't imagine life without them, so I can see how a woman would feel that accidentally-deliberately getting pregnant again (I'm talking in a committed r'ship, with kids already) wouldn't be too bad, because realistically, if they already have kids, whats another one? I used to get so tired of people saying to me that he has his reasons for not wanting another one so I should respect that etc, what about MY feelings!!!??? I honestly felt that our marriage would end if I didn't have another one, not coz I didn't 'get what I wanted', but because I was so hurt that he didn't care how much it meant to me to even properly discuss it, it was just a straight out no.

    Anyway- NO I didn't trap him, despite my complete and utter empathy for anyone going through that, I couldn't be dishonnest with him, I am very strongly against lying and deception, and stand by my values even when it hurts. But I did say straight out that I wanted another one, I would not go on BC (which I never go on it anyway as I am against it) and that I was hoping i would get pregnant. If he really didn't want any more, the onus was on him to prevent it. Well... I got pregnant with twins lol! And now he has had things taken care of. So the way I see it, if he REALLY didn't want any more kids, he would've done that after number 3. And of course he is besotted with the twins and is so glad I stood my ground.

    So yeah, after that big story, I agree it is wrong to deceive someone into having kids (fullstop), but it is also very wrong of a man to just disregard his wife's feelings.

    ETA: On the sex thing- if one partner lost their sex drive does it make it ok for the other one to rape them because they went into the marriage with the expectation they would have sex? NO, of course not, just as deceiving someone into having a baby is not ok. BUT I would hope, in a loving committed relationship, if one person lost their sex drive, they would make an effort to fulfill their partners needs, by seeking help, or whatever.

    Sorry for the essay

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