So my Mum wants to have my 5yo daughter for an overnight stay this Saturday night and I'm feeling uncomfortable about it. She has looked after DD heaps of times since she was born but after her marriage breakdown 2 years ago she hasn't exactly been reliable. It's hard to explain but she is a bit "off with the fairies" and will change plans at the last minute and be hours late to things and just doesn't make good decisions.
Anyway she is seeing a guy now who I actually like (after dating a few questionable guys) and she is living with him in his unit about 1.5hrs from where we live. I have only been there once and it is a small unit above a workshop and there would literally be nothing for DD to do there and I'm just not sure it's safe. I would rather my Mum come and spend the day with her but am finding it hard to tell her that.
I have tried to explain to her that she is 'all over the place' at the moment and I don't feel comfortable with it and she takes it personally as anyone would I guess. I thought maybe I was overeacting but when I told my husband he agreed and said 'why doesn't she just spend the day with here here?' He doesn't understand why she needs to have her overnight and why she can't just enjoy a day with her here.
I really just want to know how to go about telling her that she can't have DD overnight without it starting something? I'm 5 months pregnant and just don't reallt want the stress of an argument!
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05-04-2013 07:21 #1
Uncomfortable with DD staying overnight
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05-04-2013 07:40 #2
Unless you strongly need to confront the issue I would probably make it about me rather than her, that way the issue is dealt with but she's not left confronted or offended. Something like I simply wasn't ready for my daughter to be away overnight, and that the baby hormones weren't helping.
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05-04-2013 07:47 #3Senior Member
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sleep overs at grandma's are something special..so i can understand why she would love to have her. Also, it would be a sign of trust from you to her.
When you say "away with the fairies"...are you saying you don't trust her day to day looking after your child?
I would be more inclined to sit down with her and talk about what you expect for DD's routine. Your DD is 5 and is very able to tell her grandma (and you) what she needs and wants. Perhaps have it that you call and talk to her at bedtime and see that she is happy?
I guess I would be working towards letting her have a sleep over unless there is a pressing reason why not. With the new bub, perhaps your mum is trying to show she can be a good support? Where is your DD going to go while you are in labour? Is your mum perhaps trying to get some practice in before looking after her then?
I guess I would be looking to support the relationship where ever possible.
05-04-2013 07:50 #4
Well that's just it, I've tried to confront these issues wuth her (obviously there's a lot more tobit thsn what's written here) but it always ends in a huge argument with her saying things like "I know I'm a sh!t mum". So I do want to let it go and just accept that she isn't going to understand but when she asked me to have DD overnight I felt it hard to avoid bringing it all up again.
Definitely a good idea to use baby hormones as an excuse (and who knows maybe that actually is part of the reason I'm so protective at the moment)
05-04-2013 07:51 #5
Last edited by preggasaurus; 05-04-2013 at 07:53.
05-04-2013 08:11 #6Senior Member
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- Aug 2009
that does make it hard.
Does she have a medical condition? Is she depressed?
Could you approach it from "this is what DD needs" and see if she can handle it? She doesn't need to be a great mum...she needs to be a great grandma...and that means following your rules.
My rule is...if i don't feel comfy then it doesn't happen...so don't let her guilt you into it.
Could she have a sleep over at your place? So she does bedtime etc but you and your DH are still there? Sort of seeing how it goes?
It is nice that she wants more to do with your DD...and 5 is a good age because your DD has a voice...but, it does need to be on your terms.
05-04-2013 08:13 #7
I tried to quote Riversong but it didn't work!!
It's sort of hard to explain what I mean by "away with the fairies" but she is just not really all there. She had a mental breakdown a few years ago too which I think she was recovering from well but I think her divorce has out her back a bit.
I don't think she would intentionally harm DD or anything like that but she just doesn't think through the things she does, she's very impulsive lately and will change plans at the last minute.
Also I don't think I'd be comfortable with her babysitting the new baby when it comes along because of the way she is. I'm okay with her having DD for a day but not the baby. She is like s teenager, very selfish and will change plans when something better comes along. For example when my husband and I were on our honeymoon 6 months ago she was looking after DD for the 3 nights we were away, I trusted her them becaude she was living with my grandma and my brother so I knew the would there and would make sure DD was looked after. Anyway on the second day of my honeymoon I messaged her to see how DD was and she said she is fine and asked if she could take her with her to go and meey a guy she met on the internet. I said noway in hell, and it jusy annoyed me that she would give up the little time she has with her granddaughter to go and meet some guy. That's just an example of the kind of things she does.
Also I do like the guy she is seeing (which happens to be the same guy she met from the internet that time) from what I know but I really don't know him that well and do feel uneasy about DD staying with a man I hardly know.
My husband also thinks it's just pointless for DD to stay there as she will be dropping her off very early Sunday anyway so that's why he thinks she should just spend the day with her then drop her back here.
That's also a reason why I thought I was maybe overeacting too because DD is 5 and is old enough to express herself and tell my mum if she needs anything.
Who is going to watch DD when I'm in labour/hospital is another thing I need to think about. I have asked my mum to be in the labour ward with me as she was when I gave birth to DD and is a great support in those situations. However a few weeks ago she asked when my due date was again and when I told her she said "oh coz me and (boyfriend) are going away for 5 weeks then" and I asked if she will be here when the baby is born and she said she will try and "work something out". It just makes me feel like something better has come along that she would rather do.
Sorry for tje massive rant its just that we've always been close and I'm finding it all a bit hard at the moment.
05-04-2013 08:22 #8
I took too long to reply to your other post that I didn't see this one haha!
Yes she had a mental breakdown a few years ago and has had depression since she was a teenager. She has also had bad anxiety too which she was on tablets for. The thing is she jusy decides she is better (usually when she is dating some guy) and just stops taking her medication or changes thw dosage whenever she wants which really isn't good with any medication let alone some of the hardcore ones she was on!
I did try to ask her what time she would want to pick up/drop off DD and she couldn't even give me a proper answer she just said "I don't know in the morning some time" and when I asked around what time sje got annoyed and said she isn't an idiot and has lookes after her before.
I would offer for her to have a sleepover here but honestly I don't think she would do it as it would mean being away from her boyfriend which she can't do. She always goes into relationships head first and can't be away from them and basically does whatever they want to do and changes all her "likes" to whatever they like. Basically like a teenager! Like the guy is her whole world.
I really am uncomfortable with it and the fact that DH is too makes me feel like I'm not being just overly protective and that I do have legitimate concerns but I do feel guilty.
05-04-2013 08:34 #9
From what you've written there's no way I'd allow a sleepover. It annoys me when relatives push for a sleepover and get angry if the answer is no. They're children, not time share apartments or toys. If you feel you don't know the boyfriend well enough, and you don't trust your mother's judgment right now then stand your ground. Don't let someone guilt you into giving them your child for the night.
I like the suggestion of 'I'm not comfortable letting her go away yet'. You don't need to explain. Just say 'not yet' and change the subject.
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05-04-2013 08:39 #10Senior Member
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hugs, it must be hard to see your mum acting in a way that makes you question your relationship. I would have been gutted if my mum planned a holiday over my due date...especially if she was supposed to be coming in to be there when DD was born.
Taking DD to meet someone from the internet...eeekkkk! At least she asked! But yes, some impaired judgement.
Also, if you don't like her partner...i totally understand not letting DD stay there.
I would look for compromises. Say you have something on SUnday so if she wants to have her all day and then come back to your house to do bedtime? Maybe you and DH could go out for dinner while she does bedtime...that way, she still gets to do that on her own..but then you and DH get to go home and she can go to her home. It's the best half way point I can think of...and you and DH get to have dinner out...bonus!
I hope she settles down a little...it does sound like she is operating more in a "young adult" mindset than a mum/grandma...sometimes a new relationship can do that to people...esp if he does not have family responsibilities (and often older single men don't).
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