Undercover here (obviously) as I need some advice but don't want other hubbers to know of my situation.
Recently hubby and I have been having major issues. We have both been stressed and take it out on each other.
He's just lost his job (redundancy) and has found another but faces losing the house if I leave as the income is not as much.
Although the house is in his name my income would allow us to keep it.
The problem is that I hate having the kids around this kind of negativity and headin us fight. Each fight we have is getting worse. And while it isn't physical it's still awful.
I want to leave so we can have space.
I was approved for a rental today that I can move into next Wednesday. I haven't signed anything yet.
My friends and family have said to leave him, but he hasn't always been like this and I know it's because he's depressed.
He will do counseling if that's what I want.
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04-04-2013 18:27 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
I need advice desperately
04-04-2013 18:43 #2
I keep thinking of one thing to say then change my mind because this is such a delicate situation.
I believe in my wedding vows 100%. My husband and I have been through some really tough times and big fights. Sometimes I have thought we wouldn't make it but we have and are all the more stronger for it because I know no matter what happens he will be by my side and he knows the same about me.
But in saying that if it is an unhealthy relationship then it's not the place for you or your children to be so its such a tough one.
I would really recommend counseling.
Does hubby know you have applied for a house? Sometimes communication can be so shut down because of so much anger that it can be hard to even have a conversation without it turning bad.
I'm just wondering of you can have a realistic conversation with him about what the best option would be for your kids or is it too fiery at the moment?
I really feel for you xx
04-04-2013 20:20 #3
Well I'm on the other side of your situation. My DH had an affair and left while I was pregnant. As a result we will shortly be putting the house on the market, as I can't afford it on my own.
Am I p*ssed off? You bet. We won't make enough for me to afford to buy elsewhere, so I'll be forced back to renting, which makes my blood boil. especially when it was pretty much all my money that got us this house to start off with. I'll resent him forever for not only screwing me over emotionally, but financially too.
BUT - in your situation, a house is just a material possession & shouldn't be your main concern. If you are both unhappy and fighting in front of the children etc, then that's a toxic environment that needs to be resolved ASAP.
Have you tried counseling yet? It may help, you may have a chance at working on your issues and save your marriage (as well as the house). But if not, then I do think you need to remove your children from that situation. Their security and wellbeing is more important than a house at the end of the day.
04-04-2013 20:53 #4
I think losing the house is a big big thing. Maybe tell him you'd like some space, and rent a small studio apartment. You could each take turns staying there while the other parent has the kids at the house? If he is depressed due to finances I can't see losing the house helping the situation.
Could you stay with a relative? Could he?
04-04-2013 21:00 #5
Communication is the key. Talk to him, tell him your fears for not only you but your family together. Xxxxxxx
if you or the kids are in danger of mental, physical or emotional abuse, then it's best in my opinion to move on.
Hotel for a few nights?
04-04-2013 21:01 #6
Woah does he know you are looking at places and ready to pack and leave next week? Because if it was me I would expect from my partner to try a bit harder.
Money problems are hard but he is obviously trying if he has been made redundant that's not his fault and he has already found a new job plus has agreed to counseling!
So I'm wondering is there a deeper issue at all, something else because that just sounds like a big quit from you with not much effort.
Sorry to sound nasty but we have had money problems for 2 years until recently and I could never think of leaving my husband over money and yeah we fought a lot, always when kids are not around.
04-04-2013 21:20 #7
It does sound like you need space. How long would you need to sign the lease for? Can you temporarily renegotiate the mortgage payments, say for 3-6 months so the pressure is off while you get your relationship sorted out?
If theres somewhere you can go or he can go, like relatives or friends for a few weeks while you do a few counselling sessions, it might be enough to calm everything down.
04-04-2013 22:00 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
rather than moving out...could you have diff bedrooms and sort of share the duties...then maybe schedule some counselling?
I would not just walk away without trying counselling...and, if after a year you want to be back together...it means you will have had a major loss (the house) and it will take a long time to recover.
I would hang in there and seek some help before making such a big move.
04-04-2013 22:16 #9
Big hugs hun x I can imagine this is a very difficult time. It sounds like you have thought this through alot...
If you think that counselling will help to change his behaviour and you feel that you and your kids can safely be there while he undertakes some therapy then maybe you can stay. If you dont think it will be safe then I would recommend leaving, even for a short period of time. He could consider a boarder?
Unfortunately if you do end up going down the road of permanent seperation the sale of the house maybe enevitable. It will be the loss for long term good though. I myself went through this 7yrs ago... and never regret now x
05-04-2013 00:01 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
If he is willing to do counseling I would try that both family and maybe suggest he does it himself too. Maybe meds will help him
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