Sh!tty parents make for equally sh!tty grandparents.
That's my take on it.
If they didn't know how to be a parent they will not know how to be a grandparent.
My kids got two great Grannies, unfortunately they live on the other side of the globe.
But I'm replying because I have two very close mates here and they have the exact same problems you're having OP, so I'm familiar with your situation from what they go through day to day and week to week.
Their children's grandparents might as well be on the other side of the globe for all they contribute to their lives.
And when we examine how they treated their own children, it was as you said,
as if they were a burden.
So I just wanted to tell you that you weren't alone in having those feelings as my friends feel the exact same way.
Your children will come to their own decisions and most likely not want to go see their grandparents, they'll pick that vibe up themselves if they haven't already.
Especially your 6yr old.
Being a grandparent is such a privilege.
It doesn't take much to be a good one.
Be present, be interested , be kind.
For the ones I've encountered here through my friends, they have it all backwards, do absolutely nothing and chuck a new toy in there now and then.
I get so mad when I see my friends as upset as you are now because not only are they wasting such a wonderful chance to get to know their grandkids, but they're so unbelievably ungrateful of the opportunity they have that others (far better and more worthy) have been denied.
I don't know where you go from here, but my own advice would be to cut ties.
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24-03-2013 12:43 #21
24-03-2013 13:54 #22
I agree with Sassy - you cannot change them and trying to make them into perfect grandparents (or even not so perfect ones) will just make the rejection sting even more. When we lived on the east coast my inlaws once visited over a weekend, arriving midday Saturday and left Sunday by 4pm. They spent the whole time visiting their friends. And we'd just had a baby they hadn't met before. It was devastating. I have so many examples I could write a book.
But DH just tells me it's their loss and have zero expectations and we won't be disappointed. It's all you can really do. Don't cut off contact unless it's really distressing for you, but don't expect anything from them either. It's going to really hurt for a while but it does get easier. We rarely contact DH's parents and I know there are times they feel quite left out of our lives, but they've really never done anything to warrant being involved. It's not being mean - it's just self preservation.
24-03-2013 14:22 #23
I would cut the out of my life. They treated you like sh!t and are now doing the same to your kids.
You don't need that.
25-03-2013 18:58 #24
Thanks everyone. I certainly didn't realise it was like the BF that never wanted to change. It's so simple it makes sense.
I'm just going to lower my expectations. I've spoken to them & the balls in their court now. Our door is open & they are welcome anytime but I will no longer chase or encourage their participation in my children's lives. It's up to them now.
I really appreciate knowing I'm not the only one, it certainly doesn't make it hurt less but atleast I know it's not me.
Just going to focus on righting the wrongs & writing my family story & ensuring my kids don't feel like inconveniences & unloved.
25-03-2013 23:15 #25Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
I don't necessarily agree that they are being selfish. Grandparents are under no obligation to provide baby sitting.
I can empathise that you believe they were not good parents to you and i understand that you would like them to be more involved in your children's lives, but perhaps they do not want to ever babysit and that is their choice.
26-03-2013 03:17 #26
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26-03-2013 05:06 #27-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
- Like with the phone call. Perhaps your mum just meant your kids had a busy night/morning and were sick of being at her house. perhaps your kids were a bit too 'energetic' and your oldies couldn't cope with that.
- you sound resentful at the fact that you drove up and back to the wedding in one day... Because you felt you couldn't leave the kids with your parents for longer. I'm a believer that parents aren't obliged to babysit for their kids and if they do that's a bonus. I don't mean to be harsh but lowering your expectations of your parents may help in the long run.
26-03-2013 08:00 #28
It's true grandparents, in fact no one is obliged to baby sit your kids. But surely they should want to? We don't even bother asking DH's side anymore bc they've made it pretty obvious they have no interest in babysitting and we only hear from them when they want something. That hurts. No they don't *have* to babysit, but we wish they wanted to.
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26-03-2013 08:19 #29
My parents are exactly the same. It's a horrible feeling. I hope you realise it's them, not you.
26-03-2013 08:48 #30
See I didn't read the OP as being annoyed that her parents don't want to babysit - I read it as the OP's pain that her parents don't take an interest in the children, just as they didn't take an interest in their own children. I think there's a big difference.
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