I've never had a great relationship with my parents. It's all ranged between terrible, fair & ok. Mostly sitting on fair.
I feel like I was a complete inconvenience to them. They were never happy or proud of me. Never spent quality time with me, I use to wish they'd die so I could go & live with my Aunt & Uncle because they loved their kids & spent time with them. Taught them life skills I'm only learning now as a 30yr old (mostly from my husband).
Anyway fast forward, I've now got two beautiful kids of my own & I hoped that my parents would right the wrongs of my past & deem my kids to "be good enough" to spend time with. They only will care for them when it's been completely prearranged & after last night I'm in two minds if I even want them in my life now.
They had my children from 11am yesterday so we could attend a wedding 3hrs drive away. That's right, we drove up & back in a day just so my parents didn't have to have them too long. Friends of ours went on the Friday night & come home today. Their parents have had their kids for two nights. In fact the grandmother in that situation loves having her grandchildren & always has at least one of them nearly every day. Last night she had 4 kids to care for & she was in her element.
Why are mine so damned selfish. It's breaking my heart to watch history repeat itself with my children. I got a message on my phone when I woke up say "they've had a late night & early morning, ring when u wake up". So I rang about a half hour later when I woke, and asked how they were & the answer I got was a snappy "they're ready to go home".
So I called her on it, and she hung up on me. So I text her, then she called & screamed at me & hung up.
I feel like saying I'm done with them. I've sent hubby around to pick up the kids cause if I went it'd be a huge fight & my kids don't need to see that especially when they've just witnessed their granny yelling abusively at their mummy. They're only 6 & 2 FFS. They don't need that ****.
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24-03-2013 09:02 #1
How can Grandparents be so selfish...
24-03-2013 09:06 #2
I don't know what to say but I could not read and not give you a hug. xx
24-03-2013 09:09 #3
I would cut them out of your life (not necessarily completely but maybe limit exposure with them. Don't ask for baby sitting, or anything). It doesn't sound like they have played a good role in it anyway. And I know they are your parents but if they'll act like that around your children then its almost not worth the stress.
You deserve happiness.
You could always go around there on your own one day and ask them all the questions you want to ask and just be strong. See if they actually give you answers to their behaviour.
Sent from my Unicorn.
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24-03-2013 09:36 #4
Some people just aren't naturally interested in parenting or kids. I wouldn't ask them to babysit again. I know it's hard not to compare - we live interstate from my parents and inlaws and my parents visit as often as they can whereas my inlaws don't ever visit. I am surrounded by people whose parents and inlaws look after their kids all the time and take them for sleepovers whereas my inlaws have never babysat for us - not once. It's really hard to not be disappointed, but we've just had to let it go as getting frustrated or upset doesn't change anything.
Sorry you feel this way.
Last edited by Sonja; 24-03-2013 at 09:41.
24-03-2013 09:37 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
it is not about you or your kids...your parents are the way they are because that is them.
No more can you convince a lion not to be a lion, you cannot convince people who are clearly "not into kids" to be into them.
I would not leave my kids with people who did not want them around, or who were not kind to me/dh when we were kids...that is their true colours.
I would not have much to do with your parents...if they want to make the effort to see you/the kids, then fine...but, you will prob find if you stop making an effort they will simply disappear.
huge hugs, it is a hard thing to accept, but once you have and you have moved on...life becomes much more joyous.
24-03-2013 09:48 #6
I understand your feelings if pain OP. I don't even think them not wanting more time with your children is your issue here - It sounds like its more to do with the pain it brings back up for you.
I also felt like we were one big burden on my mothers life - she wanted a high-flying career and to be able to do what she wanted when she wanted. She expected us to do well yet never bothered coming to watch any of our stuff (sport, school events etc.). She made selfish decision after selfish decision in her life often to the detriment of her own children. Now she wonders why none of us ever call her. I have seen her only a few times since I had DS but that's fine with me. She hasn't been there for me ( she's also a full-on narcissist which has made life hell in many ways for me).
Its sad children never stop trying to win their parents over, never stop hoping. I'm late 30's but have realised I'm much happier when mum isn't in my life - maybe you need to go through this pain right now to get to the peace beyond that, and accept they are not going to change.
24-03-2013 09:50 #7
Well Hubby has picked them up & mum straightaway told him that I misunderstood what she said.
He said he told her that she needs to work it out with me & not involve him.
He said my dad looked upset, but his upset & angry look the same so who knows.
I'm not initiating the first contact, they NEVER admit they are wrong & I know they'll be saying to each other that'll I'll calm down (which I've done in the past when I've called them on how they've treated me.) but I'm not backing down now, I've for my own family now. I use to back down all the time because I had no other family to turn to.
What I find interesting is my dad never wanted anything to do with his parents, rarely visited them or anything & my mum gets upset when her mum does the same to her. She obviously doesn't live a self examined life.
I am just exhausted from it all. I'm sick of trying. It's so hard, we live in a small town & people always say "oh, you're so lucky to have them as your parents" and I can't say, you know what, even though they are good citizens they are effing terrible parents & grandparents. They are wonderful socialites.
24-03-2013 09:53 #8
I feel your pain. My mother would like to think she's a good mother and grandmother, but she isn't. It's not that she does it intentionally and that's the only reason I'm not bitter about it.
The woman really doesn't have a maternal instinct in her. And I can't blame her for that, some people just don't have that natural parenting instinct. It's like that part of their brain is short circuited.
We cope with it by having limited visits, no baby sitting (she wouldn't last a half hour with DS and he's a very well behaved little guy!) and just doing the smile and nod when she tries to be the 'good' grandma.
My mother and I can be friends, but she'll never be a parent to me. We'll never even have that good of a friendship because she wants to switch from being a friend to parent when it's convenient and that just doesn't work for me. But I learnt long ago to see her for what she is which is basically a woman who just doesn't get how to be a good parent.
It was a hard realisation but honestly once I got there it was like I suddenly realised that life was so much easier when it came to dealing with her haha.
24-03-2013 10:26 #9
OP, when I started reading your post, I wondered if you were me! I too have disinterested parents. I have always felt an inconvenience to them, well by them I mean Mum, and they didn't even meet my DD until she was 6 months old!
They have never, and would never babysit, even if I wanted them too. It used to hurt a lot, but now I just think its their loss and have accepted she is the way she is and will never change. But it's taken me until 40 to reach that conclusion.
We don't have much contact and I can deal with it now and don't wish for more from her than she can give. I grew up with her coldness and don't really want my kids exposed to that anyway. I used to wish she was more like her own Mum who was a fantastic Grandmother, but it's not going to happen. So we see them a couple of times a year and that's enough. I know as the kids get older they will probably have questions about them and why we don't see them, and I'll just answer as honestly as I can - appropriate for their age of course.
If I was you, I'd limit contact for a while and find other sitters. It's not worth the hassle and stress of trying to make them have a relationship with your kids if they don't want to
24-03-2013 10:42 #10
I know where you are coming from OP. It's hard when you feel that grandparents are disinterested.
I know my parents are very interested in being involved with DS but not in being babysitters - I understand this, they want quality time not babysitting time necessarily. I rarely ask them and I feel better for it, it's not their job to be my on call babysitter. If I ask and I need it, then they do their best to help out but I never expect it. My parents feel they have done their 'parenting' and want to enjoy their now child free years being child free. If my parents felt that the only time I went to visit them was to drop DS off and for baby sitting they would be very upset - I'm not saying you do this just that this is my situation.
I'm also a person that doesn't feel my generation should feel entitled to have our own parents available as baby sitters. It builds resentment.
I think the best thing to do it not have expectations of them like this, as they seem unwilling to be involved in this way.
FWIW DH dad and stepmum are completely disinterested in that they have met DS twice. He's 14 months and they live 1 hour away.
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