My daughter is 4 weeks old and until I went into labour, we had always planned to have 2-3 kids. However birth and these first few weeks with a newborn are really making me question whether I want to have a second baby or not.
My labour was 22 hours long, and ended in an emergency c-section under general anesthetic. To make it worse, the anesthetist was topping up my epidural as they wheeled me into theatre and accidentally put blood pressure lowering medication in, when my blood pressure was perfect!! So then I had to stay in recovery for 3 hours to be monitored so my MIL even held my baby before I did (as the Drs wanted hubby to come down to recovery to explain to him what had happened so someone needed to look after her, I would have preferred my mum to look after her but that's just how it worked out). I've never experienced any pain in my life, no broken bones, no chicken pox, no serious illness, so the pain of labour was completely overwhelming and I really didn't handle it well, and I only got to 4cm dilated so can't even imagine what it would have been like had I got further. I felt absolutely revolting coming out of the anesthetic so I had a shocking night where I was bed ridden with a screaming, hungry baby (no one had really helped me bf so I wasn't sure what I was doing, but was trying my best). The second night was even worse as she didn't sleep until 5am, and I was absolutely exhausted and I think I was still affected by the anesthetic as I felt a bit out of it. Overall the last few hours of my labour were terrifying, not so much the c-section as I was relieved it'd soon be over, but once the pain increased I became frantic and panicked and really wasn't handing the pain well at all (I asked my mum a number of times to kill me!).
Since we came home, she's been a fantastic baby, she sleeps quite well (2 x 4-5 hour sleeps through the night), feeds well but often, and is generally a pretty content baby. Although she's so good, she requires a lot of attention and there is a lot of extra time required with having a newborn like all the extra washing and time spent feeding and settling, and I can't imagine doing it with a toddler / young child around.
But at the same time, I feel really sad at the thought of never having another newborn, and also growing old and only having one child and potentially none or very few grandchildren. I also don't want her to grow up with no siblings as I'm very close to my sisters now that we're all adults and I want her to have that kind of relationship.
Also if I had another baby, I'm not sure whether I'd want to try for a VBAC as I'm scared of rupturing, the pain, tearing, and potentially going through all that pain only to end in a c-section again. But if I have an elective c-section, the first night is so tough and now even 4 weeks later my scar is still causing me quite a bit of pain.
So I guess this is just a bit of a vent / writing down how I feel. Everyone assures me that I'll forget about the pain and have another, but I guess that's what I'm scared of, falling pregnant and then it being too late to back out. I'm even terrified of having sex again in case I accidentally fall pregnant, even though I know we'll be very cautious. I'm not sure if having another baby would ruin the good thing that we have now. I know it's not a decision we need to make now, or even in the next few years (I'm 23 so have time), but it's something I think about every day and I just can't get past it.
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23-03-2013 18:50 #1
Stop at one baby or more?
23-03-2013 18:57 #2
Massive hugs. All I would say is you do NOT need to even think about this right now. I found the first few months so hard but it does get easier.
I actually don't think I will have a second for various reasons (DS is 9 months) so I'm not saying this as someone who thinks you will definitely want more in a few months time. But in your case I think it is genuinely too early to tell.
Nobody tells you how hard the newborn phase can be - you are not alone! You are doing a fantastic job.
See how you feel in a year or so. You are very young so time is on your side for sure xx
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23-03-2013 19:18 #3
Be kind to yourself - you've been through a lot and having a child is such a massive life change.
At 23, you have so much time to ponder adding more children to your family. Just try to enjoy your newbie as there's really no pressure to make such decisions now.
I'm 33 with a 2 year old and still don't know whether we'll choose to have a 2nd. I had an eventful complicated pregnancy resulting in having to have my DS 9 weeks early. We have first hand experience on what can go wrong and we find it daunting to think of all the things that can go wrong if we chance another pregnancy.
I have 10 years on you and the clock is ticking. It's hard.
23-03-2013 19:49 #4
Im sorry you had such a rough birthing experience im glad you & bub are doing well. I can tell you from my own feelings that after my not so smooth 22 hr labour & birth that i also felt like i never ever wanted to go through that again. I told everyone afterwards that she would be an only child! But now one year on, although the pain of my labour hasnt been forgotten.. The joy of seeing my beautiful baby grow makes me want to have another baby. I think you need to just enjoy your new baby & dont listen to people who ask about you having more. Just tell them maybe when the time's right. And you will know if and when that time will be. Please dont stress, it does get better
23-03-2013 19:52 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
you've had a traumatic birth experience from the sound if it so i think your reaction is totally understandable and normal. Right now you also have a lot of hormonal stuff happening , i know i hated to admit it but tbh in hindsight your body s all over the place..those newborn days are a blur. Dont know many ppl who are chomping at the bit for another baby when they are sleep deprived, in pain, hormonal, etc etc following the weeks after their first baby arrives. U may or may not feel differently later....u wont know til u get there.
23-03-2013 19:57 #6
Try allow yourself sometime to heal. I suffered post traumatic stress disorder from my birth. Long labour resulting in a horrible emergency CS.
I still think about it and I'm so scared to go through it again (I'm currently 18 weeks preg) BUT it took me a good 2 years to decide to ttc again(ended up taking a year to fall preg again thankfully). I haven't allowed myself to think about the birth too much as I'm getting through the pregnancy week by week but I'm trying to be positive about it all. I know I'm having a planned CS so in a way it will be more controlled.
As for newborn also, I did find it really hard to adjust to having a bub. DS was colicky and refluxy. He also didnt want to BF and I ended up expressing for 2 months which made me unhappy and not able to enjoy the poor little darlings first 4 or so months. It was hard work!!
Anyways, I'm at the point now I'm ready to do it all again and I'm going to be stronger going into it all and have set myself plans and goals. In regards to the birth and BF this time. So hoping the whole experience this time is a happy one.
So Give yourself some time to deal with how your currently feeling. You may feel different in 2 or so years also and be ready to try it all again x goodluck Hun xx
23-03-2013 20:00 #7
I also had a horribly traumatic birthing experience and separation from DS, in fact it sounds really similar to yours. I also ended up with a c-section and the scar does take a while but it does start to feel better, it took about 6 months before I realised I wasn't getting the funny numbing sensation on my tummy anymore. I also thought about it everyday and usually late at night before falling asleep as well. It's really good to write it down and talk to people here about it. Sometimes people irl don't understand the trauma our birthing experiences cause. It's completely normal to feel the way you are and it's so important to take the time to feel the way you are and give yourself a chance to heal physically and emotionally.
23-03-2013 20:10 #8
Big hugs for you! Your birth experience sounds very similar to mine. I was terrified after mine. I told my husband that I would never do that again. It took me nearly a year before I would even have sex again. Do not even worry about future children right now, focus on healing from your experience (both physically and mentally) and enjoying your baby. Get counselling for your experience because it will really help.
When my son was nearly a year old something just clicked in me that I wanted another baby. I am now pregnant again and I am scared as hell! But I have chosen to have a c-section because I want as much control this time as possible, and that has made me feel a bit better.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about what you went through because I know how hard it is when you think no one understands how terrifying it was for you.
*This post is Chuck Norris approved*
23-03-2013 20:19 #9
JR03, congratulations on the birth of your baby.
I have been where you are now, almost the same birth experience. It sucks! Adjusting to a newborn is hard enough without having a rough start. I swore we would never have anymore children.
Fast forward 2.5yrs and I was pregnant again, so terrified! I did end up having another emergency csection but it was a wonderful experience. I found motherhood very easy the second time,
I guess what I am saying, is that you are thinking of this too soon. Put future children out of your mind for now. Concentrate on surviving the first year, which is hard but very rewarding. Set some priorities and don't be too hard on yourself. Some days my goal was to wash the breakfast dishes - it did make me feel like I had achieved something Time passes so fast, each week you will feel better I promise. In the meantime, take lots of photos of your baby, and look after yourself.
23-03-2013 20:31 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
Big hugs to you . It sounds like you have well and truly been put through the wringer and you need to give yourself time to process what has happened and time to heal.
After my DD was born I felt absolutely petrified at the idea of another child. I was so fearful of having sex again because of the risk of becoming pregnant. It wasn't until she was close to two that I felt anywhere near ready to welcome another bubby into our family.
Be kind to yourself and try and take the pressure of thinking about another bub off your shoulders. Just concentrate on the now. The then will sort itself out, I promise.
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