What you are describing is not marriage. It is not a partnership or anything remotely like it. He is a dictator, pure & simple. He won't even put his clothes in the washing basket or hang out clothes (just towels)? Seriously??!! So, all he does around the house is reheat dinner & put the dishes away. This is not how marriage is meant to be. The wife isn't meant to do EVERYTHING! It's a partnership, a joint relationship, a combined parenting experience, etc, etc. It doesn't have to be 50-50, yes if one person works more than the other then the non-working person may be able to do more around the house, but the bottom line is that you both should be responsible for the house & the family in general. As for demanding s3x, well if you don't want it, then as the others have said it is rape, regardless of the fact that you are married.
I work 2 days a week & run my own business but mostly I'm at home with our kids (dd 17 months and ds, 6 years, who is at school). My dh works up to 80 hours a week (mostly from home though), but he will still do the laundry (put on a load, put clothes in the dryer or hang them up, sort through dry clothes & put them away), he does the bins, he vacuums (my ds hates the vacuum, so dh often vacuums when I'm out of the house with the kids), he cooks (maybe 2 nights at the moment cause he's working REALLY long hours, but in previous times when we were both working horrid hours he would cook every night) & he does the dishes most of the time (I'm dreadful at cleaning up the kitchen!!). He will also happily do the grocery shopping although currently I end up doing it most of the time. For the kids he does heaps which means putting one of the them to bed at night (we take one child each), bathing them, helping me make lunches in the morning/get ds ready for school/get dd ready to go out, he gets up to dd overnight (not all the time, but quite frequently) and he plays with them when he can.
There is no list of 'jobs' that a 'wife' or 'husband' *should* do, it is something that should be worked out in each marriage. It's going to be different depending on your personal preference, personality traits, etc, etc. It's also going to depend on how much you work. BUT, each partner should do a fair amount each. Your dh is not remotely pulling his weight and it doesn't sound like he ever has.
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15-03-2013 05:38 #51
Last edited by mim1; 15-03-2013 at 05:40.
15-03-2013 06:47 #52
OP my marriage failed because my exDH wanted s3x 3 times a night!! I was actually raped by him one night. I could never keep up with him no matter how many times I gave it to him. Even after the birth of our DD I felt pressured to have s3x and after a 3rd degree tear I shouldn't of given into him.
He never helped me around the house and I even had to mow the lawns when I was exhausted with a DD. I almost collapsed.
I found out later he cheated the whole marriage.
I think there's something more to it than what he's telling you. Maybe try seeking counselling but please do something.
Hugs OP not a pleasant situation for you xx
Last edited by Fiery; 15-03-2013 at 06:49.
15-03-2013 07:20 #53
When with my ex, he worked the typical 9am-5pm hours. I worked 6pm-7am m-f as well as every second weekend.
He wouldn't do anything around the house or anything for the kids. His excuse was that he worked and i had all day to do it despite the fact i had been at work all night! Apparently what i was doing was so easy and my choice- yet he wouldn't/couldn't financially support us all.
I couldn't stand playing b!tch to some guy so i left.... Best thing ever! I'm far less stressed.
Was your DP raised in a sexist household? Could that be part of his expectations? I know my ex was. His mother would do everything around the house and would never expect a guy to lift a finger.
15-03-2013 08:58 #54Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
Thanks for the replys all. Im still at a loss of what to do. We barely said two words to each other last night and tonght i have to work (which im actually looking forward to). A friend came over yesterday for a chat and she tidied a bit. First thing DH said was 'thanks for tidying up'. I got a text message yesterday and DH said 'can you please change tha ring tone, i hate it'. I said, its MY phone to which he replied 'and i dont have to listen to it??'.
I just dont get it. Im so hurt and now every little task that i would normally be happy to do is like im obeying him.
I used to be able to say hes a great dad but now im not sure. He yells at DS constantly (hes going through a whingy/crying phase) to te point where i think DS is scared of him. He smacked DD last night cos she was throwing a tantrum abd left a perfectly formedbight red hand print on her back. Now dont get me wrong im ok with a smack on the bum occassionally but on her naked back .
Im almost not comfortable going to work cos im worried hes going to yell or something at the kids.
Im so confused. I do love him and i want him to stay but i hate the way hes treating me.
I guess i need to add that over the past year we have had some prety major things going on. I was recently diagnoised bipolar and have been put of medication for it. My mum tried to kill herself over xmas and i had to pick up the pieces to that. I feel like he may be resenting me for these things. Yes, i get that it must have been hard for him but its been hard for everyone. I do find he comments alot if ive been having a bad day. He'll say things like 'did you take your meds today?' or 'maybe you should see the doctor about upping your meds'.
I feel like ive done everything i can...ive drugged myself for gods sake. What more can i do?
Yes i get that since DD was born its been hard for him but thats life. What it hasnt been hard for me???
Last edited by loislane2010; 15-03-2013 at 09:11.
15-03-2013 09:05 #55
We are here to look after the kids. Not the house. They live there too and as a mother out job is never ever finished. Ever.
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15-03-2013 09:07 #56
I only just read the part about the smack
That's a bit over the top. And I would be mad too. He's obviously going through something more than just annoyed at you for not keeping up with his standards. Obviously it's something deeper?
15-03-2013 09:16 #57
I would suggest that there is something else going on. He doesn't want to be in the relationship any more and is making life difficult for you so that you will be the one to leave.
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15-03-2013 10:54 #58
Get out get out get out get out get out get out!!!!!!!!!! You are being abused!!!! Bigtime!!!!
15-03-2013 11:24 #59Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
how can you love a man who hit your child? How can yu love a man who is abusive to you? How can you love a man who does not even rate your basic needs as important? What exactly is it that you love about this thug?
I would suggest that you are not in love but you are dependant.
You are in the middle of it and cannot see it...but, you need to get out.
15-03-2013 11:37 #60Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2005
OP have you read the book, Why does he do that? Into the mind of angry and controlling men..by Lundy Bancroft...
I think it would answer a lot of your questions...
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