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  1. #11
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    Loislane2010 it sounds like you guys are just disconnected at the moment. When was the last time you made time for each other? Get a sitter and spend some time just the two of you so you can reconnect and remember why you fell in love in the first place.
    Maybe DH is having a stressful time at work and is taking it out on you.?

    If all else fails let him try being a SAHD and see how long he can cope.
    And you are definitely not a failure, I'm sure your kids think you are amazing.

  2. #12
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    My main focus is looking after the kids but obviously need to do housework or else we wouldn't have any clean dishes or clothes (DH is overseas).
    When DH is home he generally makes all dinners, does the night routine with the bigger kids, holds baby while i eat/rest etc - he does heaps. I try to do as much as i can while he is at work but if it doesn't get done it's no big deal.

  3. #13
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    Is it possible that he's using this as an excuse to mask other problems he's having with the relationship? Rather than being honest with you perhaps he's just using a kind of lame "yeah you're not doing your job" crap to avoid the real issue? It doesn't make sense otherwise.

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  5. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    what does he do while you are at work 4 nights a week?

    During the day you would be caring for the kids....so, are the kids in bed while you are at work? If they are...he should do his ironing then and some of the other housework!

    !
    He warms up dinner...that ive prepared before hand. Has a shower with DS (2yo) while DD (4 yo) watches a tv show. WHile DD is in the shower he puts the dishes away )believe me that took ALOT of work to get him to do that). Then gets the kids into bed. Then until i get home he pays is PC game or watches tv.

    He has NEVER done a load of washing since ive known him, nor has he WASHED dishes. He doesnt mow the lawn unless i nag him to do it, then it takes 2 months and he gets angry and yells at me. He doesnt garden, clean the gutters etc. He doesnt wash the car/motorbike. He doesnt even put his clothes in the wash, i pick them up off the floor of the bathroom. He wont make the beds/change the sheets. He will however hang a load of washing out...but only if its towels only!! Ive had a shelf for 6 months to be put up in DS's room, its still sitting there!!! Oh and im expected to bake so he has something for lunch (i DO enjoy this, and want to for DD's lunch but not so much when its expected of me).
    Hes actually said the words 'i work 40 hours a week, that should be enough.

    I just dont know what to do. He thinks i dont do enough around the house. I think i do, he thinks he doesn enough around the house, i dont. I feel terribly unsupported and TBH unloved. He is doing a traineeship so we've taken a major pay cut. I HAVE to work just to be able to ay the bills. I want to support him in this traineeship but when i dont get appreciated around the house it very hard.
    I almost WANT him to leave cos it wold be easier with out him. I wouldnt be picking up after 3 people anymore, i wouldnt have to put a smile on my face when hes home, i woldnt feel expected to have s3x every 3 days (cos thats how much he NEEDS, he told me this).

    I just dont know what to do anymore.

  6. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by loislane2010 View Post
    He warms up dinner...that ive prepared before hand. Has a shower with DS (2yo) while DD (4 yo) watches a tv show. WHile DD is in the shower he puts the dishes away )believe me that took ALOT of work to get him to do that). Then gets the kids into bed. Then until i get home he pays is PC game or watches tv.

    He has NEVER done a load of washing since ive known him, nor has he WASHED dishes. He doesnt mow the lawn unless i nag him to do it, then it takes 2 months and he gets angry and yells at me. He doesnt garden, clean the gutters etc. He doesnt wash the car/motorbike. He doesnt even put his clothes in the wash, i pick them up off the floor of the bathroom. He wont make the beds/change the sheets. He will however hang a load of washing out...but only if its towels only!! Ive had a shelf for 6 months to be put up in DS's room, its still sitting there!!! Oh and im expected to bake so he has something for lunch (i DO enjoy this, and want to for DD's lunch but not so much when its expected of me).
    Hes actually said the words 'i work 40 hours a week, that should be enough.

    I just dont know what to do. He thinks i dont do enough around the house. I think i do, he thinks he doesn enough around the house, i dont. I feel terribly unsupported and TBH unloved. He is doing a traineeship so we've taken a major pay cut. I HAVE to work just to be able to ay the bills. I want to support him in this traineeship but when i dont get appreciated around the house it very hard.
    I almost WANT him to leave cos it wold be easier with out him. I wouldnt be picking up after 3 people anymore, i wouldnt have to put a smile on my face when hes home, i woldnt feel expected to have s3x every 3 days (cos thats how much he NEEDS, he told me this).

    I just dont know what to do anymore.
    He sounds completely spoilt to me.

    And he can't demand bding from you, you shouldn't do it because you're 'expected'. If you don't want to, don't.

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  8. #16
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    I look after the kids, and DF and I share the housework. We do what needs doing, as it needs doing, by who ever is first available to do it at the time.
    I do the cooking, and if he is home he will wash the dishes (and I'll dry them). If he is at work I do the washing and drying.

    I don't think it's necessarily the job of a SAHM to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, but I suppose it falls onto the SAHM more because she is generally home more. Though I think that the working parent should chip in where he/she is able to, so on the weekends, in the evenings etc.

    As my DFs partner, my 'job' is to be there for him and support him, be his companion. It doesn't mean I have to look after him like he is a child. I don't have to do his washing/ironing, make his lunch etc just because he is my partner.

    If my DF EVER told me what your DH has told you, I'd point him to the door and tell him if he doesn't like it, then leave.

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  10. #17
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    Your not a sahm you work 4 days a week. How many days a week does he work? I'm sorry but I really feel for you sounds like he is putting way to much demand on you. He needs to loose you so he knows how much you do for him and your family.

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  12. #18
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    At the moment I am studying uni externally. I was working and studying. My DP works nearly full time at the moment and is also studying a uni subject. He does shift work

    I do all washing, although he will help me hang it out if he is at home. I do most of the children stuff as they are not his children. But.....he does help and he entertains them lol. He will pick them up from school if I am unable to for some reason.

    Cooking he cooks sometimes, if he is not working over dinner time. On the nights that I cook and he is home then he will wash the dishes.

    I do most of the housework I guess, but I don't put his stuff away he gets a pile to deal with. He takes the bins in and out and feeds the cat, although he has started to pay my DDs to feed the cat lol.

    He never expects things, which I think is why I am happy. If it was expected and he got annoyed because I had not done anything, well then I would be ****ed.

    My ex was similar to your husband and got ****ed about the housework not being done and me not cooking. Although I used to cook for him he never liked what I cooked so I stopped. In the family report he said I made him feel unwelcome in our home lol.

    Cooking and baking has come my new stress release from uni. So I want to do baking especially.

    Sorry your husband is putting all this pressure on! You are working as well so his argument is really rather hypercritical!

    OP

  13. #19
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    Umm, if you are also working then it needs to be shared. Even if you weren't, it's your job to look after kids, not a grown man

    He's trying to threaten that he will leave to suppress you IMO and get you to succumb to his ancient ideals in what he wants you to do.

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  15. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by loislane2010 View Post
    He warms up dinner...that ive prepared before hand. Has a shower with DS (2yo) while DD (4 yo) watches a tv show. WHile DD is in the shower he puts the dishes away )believe me that took ALOT of work to get him to do that). Then gets the kids into bed. Then until i get home he pays is PC game or watches tv.

    He has NEVER done a load of washing since ive known him, nor has he WASHED dishes. He doesnt mow the lawn unless i nag him to do it, then it takes 2 months and he gets angry and yells at me. He doesnt garden, clean the gutters etc. He doesnt wash the car/motorbike. He doesnt even put his clothes in the wash, i pick them up off the floor of the bathroom. He wont make the beds/change the sheets. He will however hang a load of washing out...but only if its towels only!! Ive had a shelf for 6 months to be put up in DS's room, its still sitting there!!! Oh and im expected to bake so he has something for lunch (i DO enjoy this, and want to for DD's lunch but not so much when its expected of me).
    Hes actually said the words 'i work 40 hours a week, that should be enough.

    I just dont know what to do. He thinks i dont do enough around the house. I think i do, he thinks he doesn enough around the house, i dont. I feel terribly unsupported and TBH unloved. He is doing a traineeship so we've taken a major pay cut. I HAVE to work just to be able to ay the bills. I want to support him in this traineeship but when i dont get appreciated around the house it very hard.
    I almost WANT him to leave cos it wold be easier with out him. I wouldnt be picking up after 3 people anymore, i wouldnt have to put a smile on my face when hes home, i woldnt feel expected to have s3x every 3 days (cos thats how much he NEEDS, he told me this).

    I just dont know what to do anymore.

    oh sweetie, he is abusing you.

    You should have sex when you want to...never to meet his need.

    You should feel loved and supported and cherished by your husband.

    You should feel safe and secure and not threatened.

    He is manipulating you and abusing you...please go and get some help. See a counsellor, just for you. See if you can get to a place where you believe in yourself again.

    See if he is interested in counselling.

    What would happen if you tallied up your hours and stopped at 40?

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