Im 41, hes 37. I had fertility issues, IVF x 2 didnt work (me trying with donor product alone early last yr), fibriods, low ovarian reserve, scar tissue from abortion at 21.
We had only been together a few months (but very close freinds for over 2 yrs) when I found out I was pg - hadnt used protection as the prognosis for pregnancy naturally was low (as informed by my IVF specialist). He wanted desperatley for me to abort and still wishes i had i think. I couldnt bring myself to abort given my fertility history and age and previous abortion.
So he never wanted the baby to begin with, but on and off has tried to become involved. He has been up and down like a yoyo, staying, leaving, coming back....so maybe i should be less shocked that he has finally left for good 4 days before my scheduled c section (Monday).
I guess I just thought he was essentially a good man with a good heart and would protect me. But if thats the case why has he left me alone? He hasnt even told his parents of the pregnancy. He has never even introduced me to his parents!!! He told me a couple days ago that he wants out and wont "cope" with a new baby, and doesnt want the responsiblity "at this time in his life" and "isnt ready". Also told me under no circumstances does he want to be named as the babys father on the birth certificate. Tells me it has nothing to do with me that he loves me deeply but just isnt ready for kids.
Am I going insane or is this really abnormal behavior for a 37 year old man?? Or are all men no matter what age scared to commit and do hurtfull dumb stuff like this?
I feel very alone even tho I have great friends and have support for Monday now lined up..... But..... Im really really sad - for me.. but also for him and our unborn child. Need hugs.
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01-03-2013 21:55 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
38 weeks - babys father left last week, c section booked for 4/3 Am I going insane???
01-03-2013 22:01 #2
So sorry to hear. Try and look after yourself for you and your baby. Sending you hugs!
01-03-2013 22:03 #3
I am so sorry that this has happened to you so soon before meeting your baby. How hurtful and selfish.
All I can offer is hugs from afar and some kind of sort of empathy - my husband didn't want me to keep our baby, and although he loves him to death he hasn't yet forgiven me. It's been over a year since I became pregnant, things with him are still very challenging. In some ways I wish he had just left us so I could have enjoyed my pregnancy and this stage of my DS life more. I think some men find the family thing almost impossible, no matter their age. How sad that he couldn't pull himself together, despite his supposed love for you. Please make sure you set boundaries based on what you want - it sounds like his flip flopping around is the hardest bit. If he's out, he needs to stay out.
Perhaps it's for the best that your FOB left - now you can focus on yourself and your beautiful little miracle. You will be a wonderful family together, and hey, you can do things exactly how you want to, all the time! The next few weeks will be difficult for you - remember to ask for help on bh and irl whenever you need. There is a wealth of information, love and support on here. Sending you all of the above...
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01-03-2013 22:41 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
hugest of gentle hugs.
my ex and I came close to breaking up while i was pregnant with DS...in retrospect, i wish we had. We broke up when DS was 4 months old, I will never get that time back and things that happened can never be undone.
Surround yourself with people you can trust and that will love your and your gorgeous baby
01-03-2013 23:33 #5
sending you massive hugs xx
01-03-2013 23:58 #6
You're better off without him. He's extra drama in your life. I'm a single parent by choice and there's nothing but 100% love between me and my DD. it's almost easier not having to think of anyone else.
Centre link will make your life hard if you don't name the father for child support reasons. I would put him on the birth certificate and make him pay child support, though that means he can be entitled to access. If you don't name him you lose some benefits, guess it depends on if you need the money. Or lie and say it was a 1 night stand with a stranger.
You will be fine. Once the bub comes you will want to protect it from anything negative, and that includes its father. Just snuggle with your bubba and know you have enough love for both parents.
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02-03-2013 08:55 #7
I'm so sorry for what you are going through
It's hard to fathom how a 37-year-old man could not be ready for a child, I guess if he's not ready now there's a good chance he never will be.
I just wanted to say that my biological father left my mum before I was born and despite her best efforts to talk him round he never manned up.
He's not on my birth certificate and I've never met him.
I know everyone feels differently about these situations but personally I'm glad he didn't stick around, I think my life has been far better without him in it and it's his loss.
Knowing what she has been through, I respect and love my mum so much more.
She met someone new when I was little and he adopted me as his own and he's my dad as far as I'm concerned.
I so hope your baby's father wakes up and realises what an incredible little family he has and that there are so many wonderful, beautiful moments he could be part of.
If he doesn't, that really will be his loss and I feel sorry for him.
Please surround yourself with lots of loving, supportive friends and family and enjoy your beautiful baby.
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02-03-2013 09:25 #8
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
This is very easy for me as an outsider to say but perhaps it is better that he has left before bub was born. It is a precious time for you and bub and it would be horrible for it to be tarnished by FOB and his immaturity.
And to answer your question, yes I think that it is abnormal behaviour for a 37 year old man.
All the best for Monday, enjoy your new baby xx
02-03-2013 21:41 #9Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
Thanks to everyone who resonded.
Its been a really sad couple of days - not what I had planned in these final 48 hours before he was born. I think the general concensus is focus on the little guy and the rest will fall into place with or without his biological father (whom I am SURE will deeply regret his behavior one day).
I have a good support network of close friends who have rallied amazingly and while I know it will be really hard and at some times sad doing this alone, I know it will also be the most rewarding thing I ever do.
Hard to believe that within 36 hours my little guy will be in my arms!
Thanks again to all of you for your very wise and kind words. xx
02-03-2013 23:42 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
What a crappy situation. I'm sure you will do a perfectly good job of raising bub on your own, sounds like FOB wouldn't have been much help anyway.
But, I am of the opinion that it takes two people to make a baby, whether on purpose or by accident and I think it is quite childish of him to say that he doesn't want to be named on the birth certificate. He doesn't have a choice as far as I am concerned. He IS the father whether he likes it or not, and I imagine he's only saying that to avoid paying child support anyway.
But in the end its your decision. I'm sure everything will work out for you
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