Not so much a family topic, but I'm in a long distance relationship. I live in Brisbane. OH lives in Melbourne.
He is in the army (reserves) and went for special services training but missed out on the first test by ONE SECOND so he basically has to work for 12 months (not much reserves work going so he's looking for another job now) and try again next year. Our original plan was hopefully him getting through, doing training (while I do my diploma), doing a deployment and hopefully within 24 months he moves up here (I can't move thanks to ex-DP who has DD 50% of the time - another story entirely).
Before he went on course he mentioned it could be a 3 year contract with the Army in Syd if there are no deployment opportunities with Reserves. So all of a sudden looking at 4 years. Now there's another 12 months thrown in there.
What's the longest you've done kind distance successfully? At this stage we are managing to see each other once a month but now I'm studying its going to be more difficult as I have to now work around DD, studying and then when I can afford it (which at this point won't be for what feels like years). He'll be coming up here the next 2 times.
I just don't know how long I can do it for. If he were on course it felt like it'd have been easier. But now I know he's going to be working for 12 months before trying again I'm a bit... Stressed maybe.
We've talked about marriage and kids, etc. I can't wait 5 years to have another baby. I don't want to have to wait 5 years to live with him.
As far as telling him all this, I don't really want to push him. I knew what we were in for when we got together. We've been great friends for 8 years so I know him and his lifestyle well. I don't want to tell him what to do.
He wasn't planning on a relationship for this reason but this isn't something we could ignore or avoid any longer. We both truly love each other so much, the thought of even seeing someone else... Neither of us like it.
I guess where I'm going with this is what would YOU do in this situation? How long have you done long distance? How did it end up? Good and bad.
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21-02-2013 07:55 #1
21-02-2013 08:08 #2
I did long distance for 2yrs before he left me for someone else. In hindsight, it was never going anywhere, he was focused on him, and I was waiting for him - such a waste of my time. My advice would be to determine if he is really worth waiting for, you won't get that time in your life back.
21-02-2013 08:12 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
is there a reason he cannot move up to you now and work there for 12 months? Give it a chance to see how you go living close by to each other? He could train while he was there and then go back and try the exam again next year exactly as he planned.
When DH and I met, he was in Melb and I was living about 2 hours out of Sydney. He moved to Sydney and we got to see if it was going to be serious. We knew it was so, a year or so later....he moved back to Melb and then DS and I moved down about 3 months after that.
Long distance is hard work...but if it is meant to be it will work.
As for waiting 5 years....if he is a career army man, why does it have to wait till end of deployment to ttc?
21-02-2013 08:17 #4
He probably doesn't need to wait that long, he hasn't even said that, I just don't want to pressure it, you know? He hasn't told me the specific reason, he says he's not ready to make the move just yet - that said his entire family is there, all his friends, and his Mum is very very sick and seems to be going downhill (has had cancer for 16 years). I think that plays a big part in it.
MummaOJ - How was he while you we're together? Not a single thing has made me second guess DP. He's the most supportive and attentive guy ever, we talk all day every day, most days. He constantly tells me how lucky he is to have me and how much he loves me.
21-02-2013 08:23 #5
My DF and I were long distance (me in Brisbane and he in Melbourne) for 14 months before he moved up here.
It was hard! I only got to see him once a month for a weekend and at the start it was once every couple of months.
We really stuggled being apart and it was straining our relationship (he was also going through a divorce at the time). I pretty much said one of us has to move or we won't be able to make it much longer.
He moved and 3.5 months later we are engaged!! worked out very well for me
If he is waiting 12 months WHY can't he move up here look for work and joining the QLD reserves? same thing different state.
Good luck! x
21-02-2013 08:27 #6
21-02-2013 08:27 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
I guess it depends...he won't make friends near you unless he makes the plunge. I sort of understand the family, but...for me, i wanted to be with DH and was happy to fly and visit my family a few times a year rather than the other way around. I am not sure on his mum because...well, if she has been given a time limit I do understand but if it is just the way it has been for the last 16 years...then i am not sure on that.
I am guessing you cannot move due to your DD seeing her bio dad?? I didn't have that issue as at the time my ex had moved indefinitely to another country (he had been gone over 12 months when i moved) so he was not there to stop me.
It is complex...but, I always think about what I would be willing to do for them. If they are not putting in as much as you, then it is worth questioning it.
But, that is my views...and I don't know his/your personal situation. I would always chose to live with my partner and visit my friends/family and not the other way around.
21-02-2013 09:06 #8
I can't move because of DDs dad
As far as his mum goes, she's never even quite a poorly as she is now. She's been fighting it for 16 years but at the moment she's a lot worse off than she ever has been. Even mentally, she's starting to act very strangely.
21-02-2013 09:09 #9
Things were great, he really had me fooled. He did visit often, rang a lot, treated me like his princess. I won't go on as this is not about me. From what you said, I would just worry why he isn't prepared to make the commitment and sacrifice for you - family is one thing, but if you are going to be his future he needs to show he is making those steps now. Don't wait for 'one day'. Don't put your future on hold, like I did, while he is enjoying his present. In hindsight I really wasted 2yrs waiting for him, while he had fun. He had the opportunity to be transferred back to me after that 2yrs, instead decided to stay. I thought that was odd considering we were on the countdown and were 'so in love'. I found out later why he really wanted to stay.
You know what, best thing ever! I wouldn't be with my amazing DH if I hadn't of gone through that
When making your decision, first work out what suits you and your child, then see if his plans fit in with that. Always look out for yourself first. Good luck.
21-02-2013 09:27 #10
Op I really think you guys need to sit down and talk about this. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about the situation without having heard what your partner has to say about it all. Communicate. I really think you'll get all the clarity you need once you tlak about it.
I hope it works out for you both
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