By what you have written, I'm not sure he is doing the wrong thing by keeping his passwords private. And if he has agreed to show you something himself that's reasonable. As for the porn issue, do you really care? Or do you need to hear it's wrong to cement your decision to leave?
Porn isn't really a problem for us and if he looked (which I know he does on occassion) I don't mind. We also have each others passwords but respect boundaries, I don't read his emails and vice versa. I have alot of friends write to me personal things about their lives and I don't want him reading that stuff out of respect for them. He knows this and it's understood.
I'm not really sure what you are looking for, I think you have made up your mind and like you said, it's another thing in a long list of things. This doesn't seem like something you need to fix or hash out with him unless you decide to stay and work on it. I assume he knows this so sees no point in giving you his passwords.
Good Luck OP
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12-02-2013 16:55 #31-
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- Aug 2010
12-02-2013 17:03 #32Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
Privacy in a relationship??
I don't think being in a relationship automatically entitles you to access to passwords. I don't know my DP's passwords, but we both agree that unless we're given a reason not to trust the other person, trust is automatically given.
With the p0rn issue, I disagree that it's "wrong" in a relationship. It can actually be a useful tool to facilitate new things in your s.ex life. My DP and I haves watched it together and separately with no issue - I don't think he watches it and fantasises about being with the women on screen. I don't fantasise about being with the guys - it's the act itself I enjoy watching and I think it's the same with DP. Of course, everybody has to draw their own lines.
ETA: it sounds like there are bigger issues at play than what he watches, so base your decisions on the fact that you don't love or respect him, or find him attractive anymore. Those are great big alarm bells, and it is a lot to try and fix - to me it would be like forcing yourself to love him again. Not pleasant for anyone involved.
Last edited by LauraH80; 12-02-2013 at 17:10.
12-02-2013 17:08 #33
I'm a bit of a hypocrite tbh.
I get offended if DP uses my phone. Even if he's not doing anything suss, I start to think he's doing it to check up on me, and I get offended at the suggestion.
I've done it to him though, and am bothered that I cannot access his computer because I don't know the password. I'm not interested in telling him some of my passwords either though.
I think it really depends on how this works in your relationship. I think if he went and changed passwords after I previously had access, I'd be suspicious and angry. More than if we just never had access to each others.
I think snooping is a bad idea, and something that should only be done if you have reason to be suspicious... so I do my best not to snoop because I know that just treating someone like they're untrustworthy can create problems even if they're being completely faithful.
I do think that overall, everyone deserves privacy. Not so they can sneak around and cheat, but everyone needs a place where it's just THEM. Not them and their partner, not them and their kids... just for them and them alone. I have a secret group on FB for people who's had the same op as me... and I don't want DP to ever be a part of it. It's just my little place, to talk with people who understand how my life has changed, etc... it's not for him. It's for me.
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Stiflers Mom (12-02-2013)
12-02-2013 17:25 #34
We hide nothing from each other. We can go into anything/open anything at anytime. We will have been married for 20 years in a few weeks. It works for us.
12-02-2013 17:33 #35
I don't keep my email/Facebook etc secret and neither does my DH. On the other hand I don't often have need to go into his email account (sometimes to check for eBay messages or something like that since we share an eBay account). I don't go snooping for anything either. We both know each others phone pins but again neither of us snoops on the other.
If hubby started looking through all my stuff I'd find it odd but not alarming (I've nothing to hide, but I would wonder at the sudden lack of trust).
My DH watches porn ( so do I), and I don't see the issue with it (but I do understand that others may hate it and see it as a deal breaker). I'd say though that there are other issues at play if you have no attraction/respect/love for your DH. It might be time for counselling (if you are willing). Something has to give because living like that will consume any good will you have for your DH and then there will be nothing but bitterness and hatred left (which is really not a good environment for the kids ).
12-02-2013 18:01 #36Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
Re: Privacy in a relationship??
if you are not sleeping in the same room, not attracted to him, disgusted at the thought of him touching you, havent been happy in a long time why does it offend you and upset you that hes looking at p0rn? It sounds to me like there hasnt been a relationship let alone an intimate relationship for a long time... I can also understand that with the relationship the way it is he wouldnt find the need to come to you and say "hey ive been watching p0rn"
You sound like youve made the desicion to leave but looking for some reassurance. You need to do what makes you happy. Your kids wont enjoy watching you miserable.
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12-02-2013 18:04 #37
Privacy in a relationship??
We both have pass codes on our phones but its to keep the kids off them. We both have the same pass code.
We have the same password on our Facebook accounts and our email accounts too until recently....I had to change my password on cause my account got hacked but I told him what happened and what my new password was.
Our mobile bills are joined. Two numbers on the one bill so we get free calls to eachother.
I wouldn't care if everything was separate. I never log into his stuff unless he asks me to for chasing up an email or something...I don't think he's ever logged into mine. He wouldn't see anything he didn't like anyway. I have nothing to hide and I trust that he doesn't either
ETA: oops I just read all the replies including OP's responses. OP, I think you know what you want to do. I think it's just a case of finding the right way to do it for you and the kids. All the best x
Last edited by GirlyWirly; 12-02-2013 at 19:17.
12-02-2013 19:50 #38
I could be completely wrong here but are you just using the porn as an excuse to make him seem to the be the bad guy when you leave? If you don't love him do the right thing and leave so you can all move on.
13-02-2013 06:40 #39-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Privacy in a relationship??
- lack of trust
- need to control
- different core values (eg with porn some think its ok, some think it isn't)
- problems forming intimacy
- issues with sex
- addiction issues
- one or more of you just don't love the other person
I don't think it is fair to say if your hubby only looked at porn once then you would be ok with it. You're either inherently against it or your not. If you are then leave him.If you're not then IMO after no sex for 6 months (not normal for healthy people) a bit of porn every day/every few days is not that unreasonable. Heck I'd go so far as to say it would be the norm for men.
I don't think it's fair to only blame your hubby for the situation. Both have made errors. When the relationship went down hill you snooped instead of talking to your hubby and dealing with the underlying issues. With the additional information you provided I think you're hubby is justified in putting an access code on his devices.
I suppose my overall message is make a decision if you really want to save your relationship. If you dont leave. if you do the. get counselling before April for the underlying issues and stop doing stuff to sabotage it:
- telling hubby you don't find him attractive
- trying to impose your core values on hubby.
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25-02-2013 14:45 #40
I don't generally read his email and he doesn't generally read mine. I don't open his mail, we have our own computers and don't really use the others computer.
However, we each know all the passwords to email, phones, computers etc. And there wouldn't be any issues if my computer was the one that was on and he used it, or vice versa.
I don't have any problems with him going through my history or computer files. And he doesn't have an issue with me going through his (this is now... after our own porn demons had to be dealt with)
I feel very comfortable, we respect each others privacy because it is polite, but we can access anything we like.
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