Yep, I have to agree with bringing it up with some sort of time frame. My guess is that you've hinted about it but haven't really given a firm time frame on when you would like any of this to happen because you wanted to see his reaction first. Fair enough!
But now's the time to say "The clock is ticking and I'd like to have a baby by X date for X reasons". Then give him time to digest it and actually think about it properly. And when I say time, perhaps a couple of weeks?
I'd also say "I'll give you a couple of weeks to think about it" so that he KNOWS that you won't be pressuring him in that time and that he can use that time to really come to terms with the idea.
That way he's not pressured but he knows what you're expecting and when you're expecting it. He might decide he's not into it, but that's when discussion and compromise comes in. Men just like the absolute of time frames sometimes and that way it's not up in the air while you wait for him to decide .
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13-01-2013 18:04 #21
13-01-2013 19:50 #22
Is it fair to push for this?
There's a difference between pushing an agenda and driving a decision/outcome. Often relationships need someone to take the drivers seat and that's what you're doing IMO
Definitely have the conversation and say what you said here. You never know, he might say "let's start now!"
13-01-2013 19:55 #23-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Is it fair to push for this?
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13-01-2013 20:02 #24
My SIL is 33, she has a son from a previous marriage and he is 12, by the time her and my bro have a baby, there's likely going to be a 13+ year gap, she hasn't pushed him either because he's about 4 years younger than her, i think he's 27, turning 28 this year, once they are settled in a new house and have the eldest at school we're all hoping they take the plunge, but yeah, i think she's been clucky for years, they've been together 6 years and married for 2 going on 3 years this year, so the time is ticking away in their case but in your case, you do still have a few years really, i guess it would be nice to know in a few years you'll get to have a baby together and i'd just ask and see what his thoughts are.
13-01-2013 20:07 #25
Re: Is it fair to push for this?
I think it's perfectly reasonable to discuss it, and tell your DP about your wishes and desires when it comes to timeframe.... but when it comes to pushing it, if he isn't ready... it's not something I would suggest.
My DH is 4 years older than me and I was 17 when we started dating and he was ready to start a family by the time I was 18... he started pushing a bit when I was 20 and it caused issues because I wasn't ready. He backed off and I was ready by the time I was 21.
Putting pressure on someone isn't always good for a relationship but its not like your wanting to TTC right now, so I think it's reasonable to mention your timeframe to see how he feels... DH was 25 when our oldest was born. Not all men are immature and irresponsible
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13-01-2013 20:11 #26
13-01-2013 20:18 #27Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
Sassy as you know I have a situation similar to yours. Pretty much since I met DP I have wanted to jump his bones and make babies, but he always insisted he 'wasn't ready'. For a long, long time I was very upset by this, but he did finally tell me one day by 'ready' he meant practicalities - finances, jobs, etc. he was worried that he wouldn't make enough money to support us all, bless him.
anyway, we are TTC and I tried so hard to not 'push' him as I wanted him to want it as much as I do. We had discussion after discussion after discussion. I assured him that with no more OSHC fees we would be fine. Talked about it logically.
unfortunately, I did always want to raise kids together but yeah...too late! They will be in very different stages of life as it is. Your DD will be the cool older sister anyway.
So yeah, I think discuss it for sure! If he's not sure or he's not ready just yet you are still a spring chicken, perhaps use it as an excuse to work on your new job in the meantime.
i do think it's important to discuss these things now though
13-01-2013 20:30 #28
I think you definitely need to bring up the conversation sooner rather than later and let him know exactly how you feel and what you want in relation to time frames etc.
My dh is younger than me and it too me a VERY long time, with lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of discussions, for him to come around and eventually agree to ttc. I know not all men are like this, however I put a lot of his procrastinating down to him being younger than me.
As pp’s have said, I don’t think that it is ok to push someone into such a big decision (I don’t think that you would anyway) but starting the conversation (that may go for many months/years in my case) with him is the way to go imo.
Then you will both know how each other feels and where you both stand.
13-01-2013 20:41 #29
I'm aware I'm still young - but my problem isn't my age, but the fact that the longer I wait, the wider that gap becomes... meaning I'm pretty much never going to have a chance to do the things I want to in life as an individual adult rather than a mother. I don't want to drag a child all over the world on holidays they will not enjoy. I don't want to give up my dream holidays to make way for a more family-friendly one. I want a time in my life when I can be selfish and indulge a little in what I want to do... and that as that didn't happen as a young person (since I was pregnant at 18), it's going to have to wait until my children are grown... if I just had DD, she'd be 18 by the time I'm 37.
Every year that I wait is another year older I'll be by the time I'm free to do all those things I want to do... I know some are happy to be little more than a mother for their entire lives, but that's not me. I want some time for ME, and I want that to happen sometime before I'm old enough to be allowed to live in a retirement village.
If DP said "let's have babies now," I wouldn't be happy anyway. I JUST got a job. I JUST started doing something that didn't involve staying at home all the time. Going back to work when my baby is 6 weeks old is not part of what either of us agree is a good idea, so having a baby means extended time off work... I want at least a year of work behind me before I get pregnant!
He also knows that 2 is all he's getting. Neither of us are interested in having many children anyway, he's said that he'd be happy with 2 of his own and DD too, 3 children in total.
As for his age - I agree, but again, we live that life already. DD's father is not in the picture (his own choice) and DP has DD in his care every Saturday that I work, he'll have her on his own Wednesday and Thursday nights etc... adding a baby is not going from being a carefree youth to a parent... it's just adding another child to the mix... and our family already runs in a family-friendly way, since DD already exists.
He won't be 25 by the time the baby comes if things go my way anyway... he'll be 27, and I'll be 29.
Children are not something he doesn't want either - and me wanting more has never been a secret. It's just that discussing it with a friend the other day, I realised just how it's all working out... and figured out a way I think will perhaps suit both of us, as it gives us time (it's not TTC until some time in 2014... and then not having a baby until sometime 2015... it's not "let's make babies NOW!") to sort things out... a timeline to work towards... etc.
This won't be the first time I've discussed these things, it's just that I want to suggest it as a timeline, rather than just a "what we want to happen oneday," thing, which is how conversations have gone so far. It's adding more details to plans that already exist.
Last edited by SassyMummy; 13-01-2013 at 20:43.
13-01-2013 20:49 #30Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
I think the way you are putting it forth seems fair. I don't think that you are being unreasonable.
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