Ally, I could have wrote your post. All your thoughts have been my thoughts and sometimes still are. I promise you it slowly gets easier. Your love for Angus is always there, always just as strong, but the pain and fear of the pain---you slowly learn how to cope with it and not let it consume you. I'll PM you today ok. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to to help yourself feel better. Don't worry about what others think. I bought tiny little red shoes the other day because I just needed them. I told a friend it was because they were neutral and they were super cute and I could use them if/when we have another baby. But really I was buying them for Clem. I should be buying things for her right now because she should almost be here. It made me smile buying those little shoes. Do whatever you need to do to help keep your heart calm.
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22-04-2013 08:52 #601-
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
22-04-2013 20:33 #602
Well I got to spend 4 hours at the hospital today!! After a scan and back to the ER and I have a swollen uterus with an infection and some clotted blood (or so they hope). But no D&C just antibiotics for two weeks so thanking little man for that. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning from
All this but I do feel like the mercy owes me at least free parking for my next pregnancy! Lucky I had dh to keep me company!! And lucky he told me to get the scan because I almost cancelled!!
22-04-2013 21:17 #603
I can't say anything as eloquently as others have, but you and Angus are in my thoughts often. Sending you so many cyber hugs .
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22-04-2013 21:34 #604
Ally I think about you often and hope you're doing ok. I can't imagine the heart break you have gone through. My brother passed away when he was 34 (12 years ago now) and my parents have never recovered. They smile, and laugh, and take pleasure from small things but the pain is always there. Life will start again but Angus will always be a part of your family and your story xx
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22-04-2013 21:35 #605
23-04-2013 01:17 #606
Every night is hard. I kiss his little box goodnight and dh falls asleep in two minutes and I cry and I come in here and rant away.
Since my buba man passed away everything has gone wrong. I feel like I'm broken and he's broken and I feel terrible that my wonderful dh isn't enough. He hugs me and offers me the world and I just feel like something is missing something is not done I can't settle.
Worst is I've been eating like everything like I'm trying to comfort myself and I know it's just going to lead to ivf problems and not fill my hole.
The gaping space that fills my whole body from the moment I last put angus in his cot and said goodbye. Knowing he had passed was not the moment the hole came it was handing his beautiful body over to a total stranger. I feel like I have him away and I can never have him back. Quite possibly it's because even though I know and the logical clever semi adult part of me knows he's gone to be An angel but the other part is still bargaining and wishing he were alive.
And the last crazy part of me just desperately wants a baby in my arms even if it's not him.
I hate that crazy part.
23-04-2013 04:49 #607
Hi Ally. I have been away from bh for a few months and i just read yours, your dh and angus' story. You are amazing, you know that? I cannot even begin to fathom what you are going through. My five month old, Lenny had an above average result for edwards at my 13 wk scan but further scans showed otherwise. I did a lot of research on edwards however and it was on my mind for the rest of my pregnancy. Angus will always be your precious first born xx
Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub
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23-04-2013 10:43 #608
Are you having any counselling yet? One on one or together with your DH will help a lot. We found it really helpful to hear everything crazy we were feeling or thinking was normal, and it was really helpful to be given some coping mechanisms.
You and DH are a mum and dad now and will always be, so not having your boy with you makes it completely normal to feel like your DH isn't enough. But you're in the depths of grief now, just take it easy on yourself. There's no right or wrong. If you need to eat for comfort right now, then eat, but maybe try walking to help clear your head ( and combat the eating ).
The bargaining to wish your angel safe and well in your arms is what all of us angel mummies go through, along with tormenting ourselves going over every little detail to go back in time and make it different. It will be a long time before acceptance of what's happened to Angus washes over you, but eventually the day will come. The pain will always be there, but it just becomes a part of you and there becomes a new normal.
Grief changes everyday. It is a dark festering horrible thing to go through. Slowly little patches of sunshine will peak through and eventfully when you didn't think possible you will laugh again, but always with your boy in your heart. Xxxxx
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23-04-2013 12:28 #609Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
I've been on crazy shifts and not been on but please know I've been thinking of u constantly xxxx
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23-04-2013 20:31 #610Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2008
Ally, I'm not sure what state you live in, but if you're in Melbourne, why don't you come along to the Parents' Bereavement Group at the RCH. It's on the third Thursday of every month from 7:30 - 9:00 pm. The next one is on the 16th May. Your child does not have to have had a connection with the hospital - any parent who has lost a baby/child is welcome to attend. This group has been my life saver each month. It's a chance for us to talk about our precious children and share our stories. You can say as much or as little as you like and no-one will judge you. I have met some really special people in this group since I started going back in June. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like more info.
Please take care of yourself and remember - just one hour at a time, sweetie. XO
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