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  1. #71
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    I haven't had a chance to read all of the replies, but often when I hear of people speaking of 50% shared care living arrangements, they usually talk of equality for the parents as opposed to what is best for the child. I think for a young child it could be very detrimental, especially a baby/toddler where they need ONE primary caregiver.

    I know in our situation, if XDP fought for 50% shared (well, he wouldn't get it but lets pretend) DS's schooling would be interrupted. He wouldn't have a normal home life. Wheras he had a normal home life when he lived primarily with me and had regular visits with his dad.

    Also, it's really unfair on very young children that when a relationship ends all of a sudden there is this need for 50/50 - when before they spent the majority of their time with one parent, with regular but short time with the other after work/weekends.

    I know my ex fought tooth and nail to get out of parenting when we were together. This isn't uncommon. If he were a decent dad the good news would've been that DS would have had time with his dad, wheras before he was just this dude who slept there and barely interacted with him because he was too 'tired' after work.

    I definitely think though where a child is older and the parents live within a reasonable distance from the school it can work, if the child wishes. So long as they are all on the same page re schooling, friendships etc otherwise it could all get very confusing.

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  3. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    I guess it depends on why you are no longer a couple in the first place.

    My opinion is most likely skewed as my marriage to exdh was extremly toxic and abusive. He continues to denigrate and humiliate me in front of the kids and try to get them involved. From my perspective the thought of someone communicating well and treating me with respect seem like good reasons to try to salvage a relationship.

    Yes that's what I think as well. Like if you can be friends and be able to communicate and respect each other...hello!!!! Perfect reason one would think you'd want to work on the relationship before splitting up! We all split up for a reason! Just doesn't make sense that if one was capable of all that, why they wouldn't be together?

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    When I was 13 my parents split up amicably and I lived mostly with my dad, and my little brother mostly with my mum. We each had a room at both places and were able to go wherever we liked.

    It did mean I lost a certain closeness with my little brother, I think also because he was more affected by the separation than I.

    I felt more at home with my dad I think but he worked a lot so I wasn't supervised much.

    But as an example of 50 / 50 care it did work, because we were older and the separation was amicable (in fact they reunited 3 years later).

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    That's the thing, if my ex and I were going to be THAT amicable then we'd be together. We're amicable but only just. Not enough to actually have to deal with each other on a day to day basis - hence why we split. Most of the time I really don't think 50/50 is realistic at all.

  6. #75
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    I don't think 50/50 is realistic and I don't think it's fair to the kids. As PP said they would never feel 'at home'.
    I've actually read studies that show 50/50 care is detrimental for young kids, I think it was before school age kids.

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  8. #76
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    Default Re: 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I don't agree with 50-50 care at all. I think in the majority of instances it would be to the detriment of the children.

    What do people think about when a mother has children to multiple fathers? Would it still be fair to do 50-50 and deny the children a normal sibling relationship?

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I think the same, if I was able to perfectly arrange child care etc with my ex and cooperate perfectly, I'd just stay with him.

    I assume there are cases were people just grow apart and can separate amicably ESP if money isn't a concern but I bet it's rare and also only happens with older children.

    Anyway I did a lot of research on this for Uni at one point and 50 / 50 was never intended to mean live at each place 50% of the time, but rather that each parent has equal involvement which can happen in many ways, ie doing school pick ups or phone calls to help with homework each night.

    This is also completely unrealistic for most situations of course

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  11. #78
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by HarvestMoon View Post

    What do people think about when a mother has children to multiple fathers? Would it still be fair to do 50-50 and deny the children a normal sibling relationship?

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    What about if the father has another child? Why would those siblings be denied the right to spend and build a relationship?

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    I guess the thing is, no family situation is perfect and kids rarely get what they really want/need whether they are in a 2-parent family, single parent family or separated parents family.

    DD's dad and I get along well these days, we co-parent happily and DD has unlimited access to both of us. I spend time with her Dad sometimes - I'm often invited to his family functions and vice versa, we have lots of mutual friends etc. We talk on the phone almost every day about things, I help him with job applications and advice, he helps me when I need someone to take my car to the mechanic... you get the picture.

    Is this best for DD? Well.. who knows. Maybe it's confusing for her. Would us being together be best for DD? No way - we fight like cats and dogs when we have to live together and everyone is unhappy. Would a strict separation of families with little or no overlap and regimented contact rules be better for DD? She would have the routine and predictability thing then... but from what I understand that's not necessarily what she wants either.

    I guess the only other option is we shouldn't have had a baby together. We probably shouldn't, but I'm sure if DD had the option she would choose to have been born...?

    Anyway, I guess my point is, life is generally not how we want and circumstances often don't allow for what's best for us. Kids are generally fairly resiliant and adaptable, and most don't grow up in "ideal" circumstances, yet manage to come through ok. I think anything is realistic if everyone agrees and does their best.

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    I think all cases should be accessed individually.

    I know there are some dead beat dads out there but there are also many caring fathers that get the rough end of the stick after a separation. I think it would be devastating for a father of such to have his kids taken from him and only having limited access as in most cases the kids go with the mother. And being a good father involved with his kids and having a good relationship with this kids surely going into such a situation would not be fair on the kids so I would think a 50/50 scenario should be worth a try for all involved.

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