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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post
    Can I be frank? I find it really hard to believe that he wouldn't know. It seems like it's more than a simple case of 'not bonding' with the child, from your many posts about him you appear to truly detest him, how can you think that he wouldn't pick up on your animosity towards him?

    I feel very strongly that step parents have a super heavy burden and empathise greatly with the struggles that they inevitably face, but it's hard not to worry about the welfare of any child who is detested by one of his primary care givers. Were you this vocal about your dislike of him during your courtship? I honestly don't know how any good parent could marry someone that hated their child
    I also don't think the child could not know! I feel quite sad for the step child tbh.
    If ever I was in the situation of meeting someone the realtionship sure as hell wouldn't go any further unless I knew that person accepted and adored my children. They would always come first.

  2. #82
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kimberleygal1 View Post
    I also don't think the child could not know! I feel quite sad for the step child tbh.
    If ever I was in the situation of meeting someone the realtionship sure as hell wouldn't go any further unless I knew that person accepted and adored my children. They would always come first.
    I just covered this.
    Please read previous posts.
    Last edited by BH-KatiesMum; 10-12-2012 at 16:03. Reason: unnecessary

  3. #83
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    Default Learn your place?

    I should say when dh and I had the blow up and resulting deep and meaningfuls about the tattoo he made it clear that I had never allowed him to be my dd's father and he hadnt even felt secure about our own relationship let alone his and hers and from my point of view this was hard to hear as I had never ever looked at it that way. And I still can't say I did the wrong thing with all that as I don't believe I could have just said to a 9 year old here I'm marrying this bloke and now he's your dad.

  4. #84
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    I must say reading this thread really affirms to me how important it is that they have a strong bond, as they have a relationship that is there for life. It doesn't have to be a father daughter bond as though we're pretending there's no difference but it needs to be some kind if strong bond that they negotiate together.

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    Mathermy  (10-12-2012),SassyMummy  (10-12-2012)

  6. #85
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  7. #86
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    Why is it that we HAVE to like a child just because its a child. Everyone bangs on about how children are people too blah blah blah well guess what. I dont like all people and I dont like all children. Just because they are a child doesnt mean we have to instantly love them. FOBs is in a situation where yep she doesnt love her step child not only is it NORMAL ( any family counselor would agree ) its perfectly fine and I dont think demonising her for it helps anything.

    Is she cruel to the boy? No. Is she mean or nasty and treating him liek the next harry potter? No. She doesnt have to love him hes not her child.

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  9. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    I should say when dh and I had the blow up and resulting deep and meaningfuls about the tattoo he made it clear that I had never allowed him to be my dd's father and he hadnt even felt secure about our own relationship let alone his and hers and from my point of view this was hard to hear as I had never ever looked at it that way. And I still can't say I did the wrong thing with all that as I don't believe I could have just said to a 9 year old here I'm marrying this bloke and now he's your dad.
    That's why I think step parents have such a hard job! As a parent you are instinctively protective of your biological offspring, it would be so hard to actually allow a new partner to 'parent' your child. And if you can't then the step parent themselves must feel lost & powerless and not know where the boundaries are. I don't envy the position at all.

    All I can personally relate to is my experience as a step child as well as how I feel about my own child and how I would want them to be treated in my absence. I can only hope that if I was ever tested with a step parenting role that I would be strong enough to hold onto that feeling in amongst all of the other challenges.

  10. #88
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    FOB - Can I ask I question? I am not trying to be provocative...just trying to understand.

    In one of your inital posts you say that DH treats your son like his own and your son sees your DH like his dad. So it would appear that your sons stepdad has bonded.

    So seeing that your DH has bonded with your son, does that not change the way you feel about your SDD? Like does your DH think...I have made an effort with her son why doesnt she do the same with mine?

    I guess when you say things like "I'd crawl out of my skin if he ever called me mum... *shudder*" just kinda make a person think you hate him.

    As a stepchild myself, I know my stepmum loves me but she absolutley loves her biochild more. I wont go into it but even now it saddens me that I never got to have a close relationship with a mother figure....just because my bio-mum is a loser and through no fault of my own. And as much as my stepmum would think that I dont or never knew that she loved us stepkids less...we knew. We just didnt say anything as it would have caused issues. And its something I will never tell her now.

  11. #89
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    Quote Originally Posted by ermergerd View Post
    Why is it that we HAVE to like a child just because its a child. Everyone bangs on about how children are people too blah blah blah well guess what. I dont like all people and I dont like all children. Just because they are a child doesnt mean we have to instantly love them. FOBs is in a situation where yep she doesnt love her step child not only is it NORMAL ( any family counselor would agree ) its perfectly fine and I dont think demonising her for it helps anything.

    Is she cruel to the boy? No. Is she mean or nasty and treating him liek the next harry potty? No. She doesnt have to love him hes not her child.
    I did think there was something very very wrong with me and I did go to counselling to discuss it.
    Hence why I am so open and honest and habitually vocal about it! Because I am at peace and it is very very normal.
    I want others to know that it is a very common thing to feel as a step mother and we should be allowed to talk about it and discuss it. Keeping it hidden and feeling guilty about it achieves nothing.

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  13. #90
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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    I did think there was something very very wrong with me and I did go to counselling to discuss it.
    Hence why I am so open and honest and habitually vocal about it! Because I am at peace and it is very very normal.
    I want others to know that it is a very common thing to feel as a step mother and we should be allowed to talk about it and discuss it. Keeping it hidden and feeling guilty about it achieves nothing.
    absolutely. I hate the fact that we're expected to be so perfect and made out to be evil cows because of totally normal feelings


 

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