One of my dear friends has recently informed me that she has stopped taking the pill, in the hopes of getting pregnant - this in its self is not a problem.
The part where I see an issue is that the guy she is with, 1- they have been together 4 weeks, and he doesn't know that she's stopped taking the pill!
I have expressed my feelings, said she shouldn't be doing this and her response was "I'll do it in my own if he leaves!"
For ad long as iv known her shes been "clucky". shes really great person and would be an awesome mum (so good with dd) and is approaching 30.
I really don't know what to do, she is one of my best friends. I don't want this to come between us, but I find it so wrong!
Part of me, just wants to go up to the bloke and tell him!!!
What would you do?
**i tried to post in the friend and family section, but couldn't find it on my phone! Sorry**
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03-12-2012 13:41 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
- Perth, Western Australia
What would you do in my situation!?
03-12-2012 13:44 #2
What would you do in my situation!?
Hmmmm I don't think there's much you CAN do.
If you tell the guy then your friendship is over.
If you push the point with her then the friendship will probably end.
03-12-2012 13:52 #3
Hard one. I feel for her. She obviously really wants to be pregnant, and is scared if she discusses it with him he'll say no. I guess she is hoping that if she falls pregnant 'accidentally' he'll want to be involved.
I don't think there's anything you can do. It's not a great situation, she's doing the wrong thing by this guy... but then.. the pill is not 100% reliable either, so if he doesn't want a baby he should be protecting himself as well. I guess if she does fall pregnant she's going to pretend the pill failed?
I think all you can do is tell your friend how you feel and that you think she should be honest and hope she does the right thing, but otherwise she's still going to need you around for the aftermath.
03-12-2012 13:52 #4
I'm with HB, not much you can do as she sounds as though she's made her mind up.
My personal opinion is that if she's choosing to have a child as a single mum, then it's unfair on the man if he doesn't know that he may become a father to a child in this situation. Which is unfair as we don't know his thoughts on the matter.
He may well split and not have a problem with her raising the child with no involvement from him, but I bet she hasn't considered, if she's a single mum, will she put him on the birth certificate (required for CS), will she ask him for CS and register a case (required for PPS).
If she's secretly hoping they will stay together, has she considered this type of method of starting a family is liable to cause a major issue, as it's a breach of trust.
There's more, but that's the tip of the iceberg. As I said, there are a lot of ladies out there choosing to be a single mum, but this is usually done with donor sperm or with a "friend"'s knowledge and consent. I personally think it's unfair on the guy and the child (as it could cause a very messy situation down the track when the child wants to know their history or what about if the child wants a relationship with the man, who may be gone, but never had the opportunity to discuss this.)
In saying all that, chances are you can't change her mind if it's already made up.
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03-12-2012 13:54 #5
What would you do in my situation!?
If one of my friends told me they were trying to do that, I'd not hesitate to let the guy know as I think it's extremely deceitful to deliberately stop using contraception without letting the other person know.
I know that there are others that say he should be using protection as well, but if he's trusting her enough to take her pill, then that's exactly what she should be doing.
03-12-2012 13:56 #6
I guess Jakois, it'd be no different to if they'd deided to use condoms and one of the people put pin pricks through the stash of condoms.
It's about the breach of trust. If she's told him she's on the pill, and they've decided to have a sexual relationship using that method of contrception, then it's unfair to say he should be using a condom. Imagine the uproar if he put holes in condoms because he secretly wanted a child? Nobody would be saying here, well condoms aren't 100% effective, she should be on the pill too.
03-12-2012 14:06 #7
Gosh, I'm not saying that what she's doing is ok at all, but I truly do believe that everyone should be responsible for their own contraception, I really do. No method of contraception is fool proof, and if you really don't want a baby then both sides of the party should be using contraception I really do believe that...
but that is not me saying what she's doing is ok. It's far from ok. Completely deceitful and dishonest.
Maybe op you could tell your friend that you're really struggling seeing her side of this and that you will find it difficult to stay friends if she decides to make this decision. Suggest that she discuss her desire to be pregnant with this man, and see how he feels about it? She could always use donor sperm to become pregnant if that's what she really wants.
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03-12-2012 14:22 #8
Has she asked him to be screened for STD's? It may sound unromantic, but it's darn responsible if she is planning on using this guy as a 'sperm donor'.
I don't know what I'd do in your shoes OP, but I find the whole thing terribly deceitful and irresponsible. I'd think less of my friend for being such a twit.
The guy should also be smart enough to be using condoms in such a new relationship. Sex makes babies - how hard is it for some people to act like adults and properly use contraception?
03-12-2012 14:39 #9
There's not much you can do, except encourage her to really think it through and try to hold off a bit. If she's not even 30 yet then surely she can wait 6 months to see whether he would be a decent co-parent.
If I were her, I would speak to my partner and find out whether he thinks he might be ready for kids in, say, a year. If he says no, that he doesn't want kids for many many years then I would probably leave and look into sourcing a consenting sperm donor.
If he says he does want to have children in the nearish future then I would keep taking the pill and see how the relationship developed.
03-12-2012 15:02 #10
oh man thats entrapment, if he thinks she's taking the pill..
tough situation, not sure what you can really do. So sad that she's willing to go behind his back to get pregnant. 4 weeks in, i'm sure the guy isn't ready to be trying for a baby! I think a lot of women do this though. I don't know why you would feel that you need to go behind his back though.
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