Healing process after a termination for medical reasons

[nonny]

Hi,

I had a D&E on Saturday after finding out our DS had full T12p + cystic hygroma. I was 15 weeks pregnant the day of the D&E.

I know it's all fresh and I expect to go through some sort of grieving process but it all feels so strange now. Some moments I feel 'normal', then there are times I feel really sad, then fearful for the future. It all seems a bit unreal still - some moments I still feel pregnant


I do have one healthy daughter (2.5yr) who is keeping me busy.

Anyway, I'm interested to know how other ppl have felt physically and emotionally after a tfmr, and how long it has taken you to 'recover'.

[Tuilelaith]

Mine was the 27th September... Physically I was okay after a few days... Blood loss lasted about three weeks.
First period afterwards took almost 2 months...
had kicking/butterflies for more than a month afterwards

Still struggling emotionally. I take each day as it comes.
Sadly, Tristan was my first bub... So I'm yet to know if I can carry to term.

I'm also very sad for your loss too

[swizzly555]

First of all I am so sorry, it is a horrible thing to experience.

I had my tfmr back on 3rd August this year. I was almost 13 weeks and we found the problems at my 12 week scan. Our baby had Encephaolceal, it is a neural tube defect that was not 'compatible with life' (I hated hearing those words).

I was so sad in the days leading up to it, it felt like everything else was just at a stand still, but I have 2 other little ones so had to keep things as normal as possible. Physically, I lost a lot of blood and had to stay in hospital which I think helped mask things for a few days because there was more concentration on making sure I was well enough to go home.

Emotionally I think I was all over the place, sometimes I would just cry to myself but most of the time I had to put on this brave face like everything was fine, because I hated being asked how I was coping. I think the strongest thing I felt was anger... I was just so angry all the time. I wasn't lashing out at anyone, it was like an internal anger that just sat inside me like this giant ball and I didn't know what to do with it.

A lot of people will say things to try make you feel better, some of them will hurt but mostly it is because they don't know what else to say. Just remember there is no time limit of when things will feel better or normal again. I remember just wanting to be pregnant again, I just felt like if I was there again that it would ease that pain and somehow make everything alright.

There are some wonderful supportive women on here who have been where you are and can be there just to talk to if you feel like there is no one else. Be kind to yourself and try rest where you can, I know it isn't easy with a little one running about, but your body has been through a lot and it can take a while to heal.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss

[nonny]

Emotionally I think I was all over the place, sometimes I would just cry to myself but most of the time I had to put on this brave face like everything was fine, because I hated being asked how I was coping. I think the strongest thing I felt was anger...

I'm a bit like this. I'm ok during the day but the tears come when I'm alone in the shower before bed. I woke up feeling less emotional this morning but then I had to call the genetics counselor about something and I couldn't help looking at the scan pic that was in the same folder the phone number was in. That made me cry again.

I also feel angry. Angry that this had to happen to us. Angry that I've lost all innocence about pregnancy. Angry that if I do get pregnant again I know I won't be able to relax and enjoy it at all. Angry that there may be something genetically 'wrong' with us and that we might have passed it on to our daughter.

[nonny]

Come to think of it I'm actually angry that this has to happen at all...to anyone. I'm sorry for both your losses -Tuilelaith and swizzly555. So very sorry.

[Tuilelaith]

I feel the anger to. Anger that I didn't know about this kind of thing before it happened. Anger that my body failed me and Tristan. Anger that it happens full stop.

I openly tell people about my experience because people need to know that termination is not always about abortion - my baby was very much wanted and loved! We had no choice.

[swizzly555]

Huge hugs to you both, it is just a devistating thing to go through and because it isn't widely spoken of no one knows what to say or do... come to think of it there is nothing you can hear right now that will make it any better.

I still can't look at the scan pic and I still get those moments of anger... I just didn't know what kinds of things could go wrong, but I do now and it just makes me scared. I am in the early stages of a new pregnancy (sorry if this is upsetting, reading about new pregnancies that is) and I can't relax. I can't get connected to the pregnancy and as far as I am concerned I am not really pregnant, because that would imply I am getting a baby at the end.

I always feel a bit of pain when I hear someone say "Oh I could never terminate under any circumstances" especially if they have never been where we have been and heard the outcomes we are facing. It is something none of us have done lightly and it in no way suggests there was any less love and wanting for our bubs.

Tuilelaith - I tell people too, I don't want to hide it, I just don't let them see what it did to me.

I am so deeply sorry Tuilelaith and Nonny - my heart breaks for you both.

[nonny]

It is actually good to hear your news swizzly555. I hope that this time around it all goes as it should

There does seem to be some sort of stigma attached to a termination for medical reasons and it really is just not fair. I have moments where I wonder if it wouldn't have been more 'acceptable' for everyone else (family and friends etc) if we'd let things run their natural course. I know that I wouldn't judge anyone else who made the decision we did though.

It's funny how much 'words' can hurt at a time like this. Termination is one of them. I was also upset to learn that the hospital terms our baby as "a product of conception". I know that's what he was but it felt to me like they were denying that he was someone's baby...our baby. Today a dear old gentleman was chatting to my daughter and then went on to ask if she was my only one. So I said yes (hadn't really prepared myself for that question yet) and then he said, "come on girl you need to have another one". I know he meant well.