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  1. #1
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    Default How to tell him I think I've changed my mind.....

    Hi all,

    i would love some advice about an issue I am facing. Earlier this year the ladies on this site were very helpful helping me make a decision however now I think I'm changing my mind.

    i am 40 and DS is a very spirited 4 year old. These last 4 years have been a huge struggle. DH was diagnosed with depression and put on meds 1 week before we were going to star for baby no. 2. Then DH quit his job and studied and now has spent 1 year trying to build a business which hasn't really got off the ground. Last year was particularly difficult where I was basically a full time working single mum.

    earlier this year after much soul searching we decided to only have DS. On a whole I've been happy with this decision. Until recently...

    now I'm thinking that I actually might in fact want another one. My period was a day late this week and that topped off about 2 months of me toying with the idea again. Much of what I think about is that I made a lot of sacrifices for DH the 2nd baby being the biggest. He still is all over the shop with work and we worry that his depression will come back. And this I don't think will ever change. He's a great husband and father though I just want to ad.

    Anyway, now that I'm thinking this way I feel I need to discuss this with DH. But how do I do this, is it even fair? Am I being unreasonable? Is 40 too old anyway? I'm an only child and I had a great childhood but I would like DS to have a sibling. If it doesn't work out fine but I get the feeling that I might regret this decision for the rest of my life if I don't even try.

    thanks if you made it this far.

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    Addison  (02-12-2012)

  3. #2
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    I think I would float the idea to your DH and see what his reaction may be. If he flat out says no you have your answer from him but if he considers it, I would sit on it for a while and have a really good think about it.

    You obviously had a very tough time and you need to consider a lot of issues. However, I do think things are easier second time around as you are more relaxed. My oldest loves his brother so much and is such a help with him. They love playing together. It is very sweet to see there bond.

    Goodluck. It is a tough decison and you know what? You may never have a perfect time to have another. I think it is just life and you make the best of it. The only thing that would worry me is your DH work situation. I find you do notice that extra child's does cost the budget more. Not a huge amount but it is noticeable. So, if you are comfortable that you could absorb the costs I say talk to your DH about it.

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    Naboo  (02-12-2012)

  5. #3
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    I would just let him know how you are feeling and go from there.

    You could do it how my husband did it we were watching a movie and he looked over and said I want another baby. he is kinda to the point lol

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    Naboo  (02-12-2012)

  7. #4
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    Thank you for your responses. dH is the kind of person who makes up his mind then never changes it so that's abit of a concern.

    having no. 2 would really mean he would have to go back to his professional career and I really don't think he would ever be happy doing that. It's what caused the depression in the first place, well a major contributor anyway. I just feel like I've given so much and nothing has changed, we are still struggling. So why can't I just have what I wanted all along but gave up for DH.

  8. #5
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    maybe you can reach a compromise with him - don't 'try' just stop birth control and see if it happens.

    we had the opposite situation - dh wanted another but i was just happy with ds. i couldn't imagine another baby in the mix. when ds was old enough and pestering me about having a baby brother/sister dh and i agreed on the 'if it happens, it's meant to be'. i told him i'm not going to actively try to get pregnant, we'll just see if i do.

    i had a miscarriage about 2 years in but i wasn't devastated. a year later i told dh 'enough is enough, i'm going back on the pill' (whilst on holiday) and when we got home found out i was pregnant!!

    and i was ecstatic. i was so surprised at how happy i was - suddenly work, career etc. didn't matter and needless to say dh and ds were over the moon. now we have a little baby girl and i can't believe how lucky i am to have such a wonderful family.
    Last edited by halloweendee; 02-12-2012 at 12:29.

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    Naboo  (02-12-2012)

  10. #6
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    Hallowe'en dee that is exactly how I think I should approach it. Actually this morning I didn't take my pill on purpose. I think I will stop now that I'm unsure. I still have some thinking to do but I should probably tell DH sooner rather than later as not taking the pill and not telling him is abit deceitful. Not that we're going at it like rabbits and it would probably take some months to get a regular cycle.

    Im just worried that he's going to be mad at me for changing my mind. He never gets mad at me but I think this time he will

  11. #7
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    Not if you approach it in a way in that you're only toying with the idea and wishing to put it past dh. You're not making a definite decision but you and he need to consider your age in this...it's now or never kind of thing. This will probably be the last chance you'll ever get.

    I do suggest though that you shouldn't stop the pill until you talk to him about it because that shows that you've made the decision without hiim and I think that he'd be angry with that. I know I would be.

    Just run it past him...explain your concern in that you don't want him to be angry and tell him you hope he isn't. And even if he is a little bit angry at least you know...

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  13. #8
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    40 is definitley not too old!! DD is 12mo and I am almost 41 so 40 is a good age for a baby

    Certianly tell him....explain your reasons why and ask for his support. Even just lay your soul bare and say that you have given so much that now you are ready for another baby.

    Does your DH have counselling for the depression? Maybe its something he may consider if he feels things are getting on top of him again.

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    Naboo  (02-12-2012)

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    I told him! Of course I would I can't keep secrets from him. He knew something was up, apparently I've been quiet and not quite right for weeks. I think he's more relieved I'm not mad at him!

    He's also not surprised because I've been saying some suspicious things lately as well.

    Hes not mad cos he said it's not as if I can help what I feel. And besides, I always change my mind

    i love this man. No decision has been made. He knows I'm off the pill that's about it. I think we'll just try without major discussion.

    fingers crossed for all of us.....

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  17. #10
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    Default How to tell him I think I've changed my mind.....

    That's great news! Good luck with your ttc journey!

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    Naboo  (03-12-2012)


 

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