Hi ladies .. Just needed to have a quick rant and rave.. Well I thought I'd follow up on our baby's birth cert.. As I had already received the death cert.. I rang BDM and they said that I had registered the birth but not applied for a cert as I didn't fill out the correct paperwork... Faaaarrrrkkk I knew thinking I had to do more paperwork to get dd's birth cert.. But everyone I asked cldnt remember either.. So then I assumed that registering the birth was applying for the cert.. No.. Different forms ... Bloody hospital for not giving me Alllllll the paperwork !!!!!!! So I've been anxiously waiting for nothing .. People were saying that it was strange to get the death cert before birth cert !!!! So I've been crazily cleaning the house from frustration & sadness.. Bloody Christmas carols ... Grrrrrr they just make me sad.. I can't cry when I want or need .. I have to wait till the girls are in bed.. I'm soooooooo not in the spirit of Xmas... I shld have a beautiful baby bump growing but I don't ... I envy you ladies who are strong to have a shrine to help you remember.. Things to psychically hold.. & treasure.. Like I was saying in previous post.. I can't even look at the scan photos.. It confuses my mental rethinking that no.. I'm not pregnant & these scan pics & positive preg sticks are false...
Sooooo glad we are not doing the family thing.. I'm soo not in the mood to be around other people.. I'm sure other people close to me have forgotten my loss but its still very my reality ... My last baby died toooo soon & Theres no more babies for me.. ... Wish I could take some happy pills ... Anyways hope Christmas is somewhat bearable for you ladies ..
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24-12-2012 22:01 #71Senior Member
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- Jan 2006
25-12-2012 11:04 #72
GraceC, I am so sorry things are so muddled up with the paperwork. I just want you to know I hear you. Pls take good care.
26-12-2012 18:49 #73
I hope you are both doing ok with Christmas now been and gone. How was it for you? Did you venture out? Grace, you said you were just going to stay in with your family – how was that for you? We had a family lunch at my nonna’s which was actually easier than I anticipated. I got to talk to my nonna about her loss when she was younger. It was a very sad story but it was nice to hear a bit about her past (even though it wasn’t the best outcome). And then dinner was just my immediate family at our house.
Stupid stupid me though! I wanted to release a balloon on Christmas morning for our little girl...but I thought about it more in depth at about 8pm on Christmas Eve...then realised that the balloon probably won’t go up without helium!!!! What an idiot!!! I was so angry with myself!! How on earth could I have not thought about helium! Of course, there was no where open until today (Boxing Day) so we had to do the balloon release today. L Mum and dad wanted to be here for it, we were just doing it in our backyard, our home is special to us, so we waiting until they were able to come around...but when we released it, after it went up a little bit, my dad started talking about going to Bunnings, etc...So I lost the balloon as I looked at him to answer his question, and couldn’t find the balloon again to carry on watching...bloody men!!! Next time its silence or else you aren’t included!!!
Kirst – how were that aunt and uncle you mentioned? Were they offensive at all?
And I can imagine that having a bunch of pregnant friends is going to be tough. Thankfully, none of my close friends are pregnant, only one has a baby that I see, but it’s all over Facebook! Do you still have yours deactivated? It seems everywhere you look on there, there’s either a picture of someone and their baby, or someone is so many weeks pregnant and is so excited rah rah rah! I personally don’t have the determination to stay off mine...So well done you I say!
Scared to say that you’re ok? Yes, I do all the time. I’m afraid that everyone else just gets on with their lives like nothing has happened....I know that people will, but it’s like I don’t ever want to forget, so want others to come on this long journey too.
About the skin – I’ve been scared to tell anyone about that, fearing that for some reason she was different.
And thanks for the tip about the photos, I’ll maybe scan them and put them on my computer (and USB) so we have a back up. We had our two main scans on DVD too – that was just the place we went to (I think because it’s all private) so that was a bonus for us too.
I’m still dreading the thought of going back to work. I think for now I just have to not worry about that, and enjoy these 2 weeks that we have off work. I really want to try and get out and about, going to Healsville Sanctuary and/or Werribee Zoo etc. We’ll see what we get to though. My grandparents live in Ocean Grove so we normally go there for a couple of nights during this time of year, but we have two dogs, one of which sleeps inside, so I’m really conscious of leaving them here. I’m sure they’d be fine, but she’s a princess and I worry that she’ll bark all night and keep the neighbours up! I think I just need to bite the bullet and go, one night won’t kill her! Anyways back on topic, work, I think I’ll need to go to the counsellor or my GP and get something for the anxiety because I can almost guarantee I’m going to be a mess on Monday 7th January!
The Bonne Babes booklet isn’t really that good, not good enough to warrant trying to get a copy. It has a few bits about causes of miscarriage, stages of grief, lists of funeral directors, cemeteries etc... I am still only 19 pages in as I haven’t been reading a great deal... I might sit down and read some more after finishing this...
And thanks for the warning about the “You Are Not Alone” book and the pictures. J
The name Skye – we both just liked it in the beginning, but now it does seem fit to think that way, that she’s in the sky...and I do sometimes just gaze up to the sky wondering what she might have been like...
Grace, I’m sure your daughter doesn’t blame you for the loss of this baby. You should try to stop yourself thinking like this as it won’t be doing you any good, and that might pass down through your children...I know it is hard...
Walking back into the hospital is very hard (my Ob’s consulting rooms are there). I’ve had to go back in a couple of times now, once to get the pill to stop my breast milk coming in, another time to see the other counsellor, another time to see our actual counsellor, and then last week to see the Ob. If you had blood tests Grace and you want to find out the results, I’d get in touch with your Ob. I don’t think it’s something that mine would have called me about (unless I was in serious danger), but if you are wanting to know then I’d make the call. As you say though, if you aren’t fussed about the results as it won’t make a different at this point in time... it might not be worth it for you. For us, because we do want to try again in the future, we need to know what went wrong to try to prevent it from happening again.
And Grace, I can’t believe the muck about the birth and death certificates....hopefully it’s all sorted now! I’m still not sure about birth and death certificates....I have only filled out the forms for Bereavement payment but that’s it...I think. I mean there were other forms and stuff at the hospital, but I think that was to do with autopsy and placenta testing, not filling out forms for birth and death certificate...Did you get the forms from the hospital or did you have to get them yourself?
Anyways, there’s not much else to report from my end...so I’m off.
26-12-2012 19:52 #74-
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
Wish it was a dream...
Hi girls- I'm not intending this to be long as I do have a lot to say about the last couple days but have just turned off the laptop and am only on my iphone now! I just wanted to reply to Grace about the birth certificate. Did you have your baby before 20 weeks gestation? I've been under the impression that all of Australia (but definitely Victoria) does not issue a birth certificate for a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks gestation as we are considered a 'late miscarriage' and not a 'stillbirth.' So because I was 19 and 1/2 weeks and Clem measured between 17-18 weeks she does not get a birth certificate. But I do not really understand why you would get a death certificate if this was the case in Queensland, but the books/articles I have read I thought had said this was the issue with all of Australia. Maybe something to look into as to why you haven't received a birth certificate. I may google it now!!
27-12-2012 17:52 #75-
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- Sep 2012
Hope everyone is ok. I'll try my best to scan back and forth to all the posts and respond to everything. I'm obviously too lazy to open my Word like Munch!
I'm ok today but Christmas was friggin' hard. We only went down to Geelong for the day as I knew I wasn't going to be able to cope with overnight. I woke up in the worst mood in the morning and had a bit of a freak-out, slowly got myself ready and we headed down. What a long, awful day! Straight away my feelings got hurt. We gave my husband's parents a framed copy of Clem's little hand and footprints. They seemed really touched and then we hear my FIL say "let's put that away for today." I looked at my husband and he said something and so they left it out, on a side table in the kitchen, behind some tomatoes. Thanks for that. The day was full of pretty much having to pretend nothing happened because everyone either thought it was something that was inappropriate to speak about during Christmas or that is was too awkward to ask. Surely it was more awkward having me just sit there quietly, obviously having a hard time answering small-talk questions! I am normally quite loud and perky, so I know it was obvious that I was hurting. I was desperate for somebody to just mention her, say her name, or just ask me a question! I really wanted her to be acknowledged and I would have rather had questions asked and seen that people were trying to understand what we were going through than just ignoring it all. When we sat down for dinner I was so hoping my MIL or FIL would just say something, just mention that we're all missing our Clementine, but nothing. My husband is regretting that he didn't say something himself. Two aunts did hug me off to the side. One, the one I was worried about, cornered me for about 10 minutes telling me about when her dad died and that I am lucky because I have support and she didn't have that and that I can always have more children. The other aunt said that as well but in a way that she kind of knew it wasn't the right thing to say. The whole day felt a bit like torture, I felt so overwhelmed. Yesterday was a little better, but probably because it was just me and my husband and I really only feel fully "safe" around him.
Munch, don't beat yourself up about the balloons. I know you wanted to do something on the day to commemorate Skye, but it doesn't matter that you forgot them. You forgot them because you were thinking about her! And I know she was in your heart all day.
We have a friend (another one of many) that was due yesterday, so trying to prepare myself for that text that I know will be sent in the coming days.
I am very scared to say I'm ok. Scared that the moment I say I'm doing ok that everyone will take that as a pass that I have moved on and we don't need to talk about her anymore. The thing is is that I may have a day or moment that I am ok but my heart still hurts and I ALWAYS want to talk about her and what happened, even when I am feeling ok. I am scared that feeling ok means everyone forgetting, even me.
Don't be scared about Skye's color. You'll see if you read the "You are not Alone" book that all the babies that gestation look that way. Also, the fact that Clem and Skye had died a week or two before affected how they looked. But I think they would have been red no matter what, because their skin was so thin.
Facebook, I honestly haven't minded being off it. I was kinda getting over it for a while and it is actually a relief not constantly knowing what people are up to or them knowing about me. Especially during the school shooting tragedy. I could not be bothered with status updates from friends that I know are pro-gun! I am very bad at staying out of debates. That said, Christmas showed me just how taboo a subject stillbirth and miscarriage are, nobody wants to talk about it. And I almost feel like going on Facebook and saying what happened to get a conversation going. I love the entries on MamaMia and almost want to post every single one on Facebook so that people could begin to understand what is happening with us.
Grace, I definitely do not think your daughter blames you. Children are not wired like that. But she probably does have some strong feelings and a lot of questions about it all and maybe just needs to feel like she can talk about what happened and ask questions. Have you worked out the birth certificate? Was Christmas ok? I did google about registering the birth. All of Australia has the same guidelines on what they consider a late miscarriage and what they consider a stillbirth but I couldn't find specifically what Queensland's guidelines were for registering. In Victoria I definitely cannot have a birth certificate for Clem.
Munch, I'm so anxious about going back to work and I am not even meant to until the 21st of Jan, and even then only three days are fully confirmed. But I feel like time is going so fast (it's already been 22 days since we lost Clem) and that in no time I'll be meant to go back to work but I will still be feeling like this. It's such a scary vulnerable feeling. I have only left the house a couple times by myself since this has happened, every other time my husband or a friend has been with me. If you feel like you need to go on something then definitely talk to your doctor but just keep in mind that most anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medications can take a few weeks to really start working.
We are going to Port Douglas on the 10th. It was meant to be a babymoon to relax before we had Clem but not it will be a completely different trip. I kind of don't want to go but I know it will probably be good for us. But we have been so slack in organizing and are now scrounging for a catsitter. I really hope our autopsy results are back by the 7th so that we can go on this trip with as many answers as possible. The doctor said he will try to have them done by then but no guarantee. Fingers crossed!
I should go. Husband just got home and I don't want to ignore him!
30-12-2012 16:01 #76
How are we going? I’m having a bit of a bummer of a time...I think I had a couple of good days, and the last two nights, I’ve been a mess...Just the whole going back to work (I still have another week off), still going through the why’s of what happened, and I’ve got AF this week so that’s also bringing me down.
I applied for Skye’s birth certificate the other day, I had no idea before reading on here that we actually had to apply for it....so thank you for letting me know. Should have it by the end of next week, I think anyways...I think that I read it should only take a couple of days....so that’ll be something nice when it comes.
I’ve been reading that book ‘You are not alone’ and I’m having some regrets....I regret that we didn’t get more photos...photo’s of us as a family, photo’s of Skye’s hands and feet...we have a couple of photos of just Skye and I thought that would be enough....
Kirst – Christmas and your FIL wanting to put Clem’s hand and foot prints aside was a bit harsh...it sounds like it was a lovely present.. I completely understand what you say too about only feeling ‘safe’ around your husband. I can cry around my family and close friends, but, it’s just not the same....I think that’s part of the reason that I’m stressing about going back to work, coz my protector won’t be around. He has said that he’d come into work with me, just walk me in, but then I don’t want to feel like a complete baby! L
Kirst, have you heard from your other friend that was pregnant and due any day now? If so, how did you go with it?
It’s been a bit of a relief seeing in the book, and hearing from you that Skye was like Clem and the others....I mean it’s all not good, but it makes me realize that it wasn’t something that was wrong with our Skye...they are all up there, playing together, all the same...makes me smile somewhat...
Random though....teddy bear drive....I read about it in ‘You are not alone’ and was thinking I might want to do it, if I can find out what it actually is....From arriving home with my TLC bear I decided that I wanted to find out how to donate a bear to another family in a similar situation to us, so next pay I am going to sort that (only costs $20 or something but we have our bills coming out at the start of next month and it’s going to be a bit tight as it is...) but yeah, I’m going to have to research what a teddy bear drive is...
Port Douglas sounds nice – but I know what you mean about not wanting to go. We had the same sort of thing planned. December 7th and 8th we had a hotel booked (just in Geelong) but it was for a wedding and my dad and uncles birthday, and we kind of thought, when booking, that it’d be a nice little mini getaway at 7 months pregnant....we ended up being able to cancel the accommodation as I just couldn’t bear to stay away from home for the night...well I couldn’t...it would have been a completely different feel and I just couldn’t do it...not at 2 and a half weeks after having Skye anyways...that’s just me though. If you feel that you can get away then it will do you good. I’d love to offer to cat sit for you, but I don’t get on with cats, and we have two dogs already to look after! J
It’d be great to get your autopsy results back before heading off to Port Douglas, will give you some time to work through it all. I really hope you get them in time.
We’ve been talking about the future and TTC again the last couple of nights....we are both quite keen to try again, but I’m a bit scared....we have decided to wait until we see our Ob again though....mainly because he said that I should take aspirin before TTC again...It is very very nerve racking though, even just thinking about it...and the stress of if it will happen again! Argh! We’ll just wait and see what happens....
Anyways, that’s all from me today. I hope you ladies are doing ok.
30-12-2012 20:01 #77-
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
Hey Munch and Grace--
I'm sorry you're having a **** few days. The period sucks! I ovulated last week and I was like "thanks a lot body, you have completely moved on! Screw you." I can understand the thought of working next week being overwhelming. Will you go back 5 days a week straight away, or work your way up to full time again? Maybe if you just ease in with 2-3 days at first, to see how you go???? Great that you applied for Skye's birth certificate, another something tangible of hers to hold onto. We have so little.
Great you're reading the "You are not Alone" book. I hope you're not finding it too confronting. I found the first half a little scary, I think because we don't know what happened yet, so when I read all the reasons of why it happened to other families and then saw that for some of them it happened again, it really added more "what-ifs" to my already crazy mind. I too wish we had thought to take photos. They had wrapped her though so I never even saw her little hands and feet but I wish I had looked. You're in such shock at the time you don't know what you're "allowed" to do and so much doesn't even cross your mind. We never been in a situation like that before so we don't even know what we're meant to do or ask or say.
I just got an email from my MIL about Christmas, I am sure she is trying to be nice but I honestly wish her and my mom would just let me be. They keep pushing on me that I am isolating myself and I keep feel like shouting "Just because I am not confiding in you doesn't mean I am isolating myself!" There are too many expectations in confiding in them and they both leave the impression that I have hurt their feelings no matter what I choose to confide, or how little, so it is just so much easier talking to friends.
I got really upset this morning. We went over to friends last night just for quiet drinks and pizza. It was a really good night and I drank a bit and then woke up crying that I had had a good time. I know I talked about Clem a lot, but I also had a nice time and laughed a lot and I woke up hating myself for it.
I hope Clem and Skye are up there playing together. My husband keeps trying to saying that Clem would have wanted me to live, but sometimes I cry and think nobody knows that. Maybe she is up there scared and alone and wants me up there cuddling her. (I do not mean that in a way that I am suicidal...)
I assume a teddy bear drive just means you try to get a lot of people to donate teddy bears and then you give them to a place like TLC or a children's hospital or charity in memory of Skye??? I donated one of the TLC bears for Christmas in Clem's name and will probably continue to do it either every year for her (or a few times a year so that her name is out there as much as possible). I preferred that to balloons as I have the guiltiest conscience when it comes to littering. You would hate to go for a walk with me, I am constantly picking up trash and slowing the pace down!
I am getting desperate for a catsitter. Normally we're lucky to have a friend that has just returned overseas or has a few housemates and is looking forward to having a place on their own. But as we've gotten older it's been harder to find people in those positions since we're all growing up! Worst comes to worst there is a lady that will come feed them for 20 bucks a day but she only stays a few minutes and I feel bad making them have 10 days of no company, cuddles, stimulation. I'm a bit of a fruit bat right now and anxious about random things, I keep getting worried there will be a fire and the cats will die and the only things we have of Clem's will be gone. That's another reason I want somebody to stay, it will just help ease my anxiety about all these random thoughts right now. How is your anxiety? I had my husband put a new battery in our neighbor's fire alarm last week. Yes I am nuts. But in my defense she's old and a bit of hoarder so her place is a bit of a fire hazard. There wasn't even a battery in her alarm, so thank god we did it! If she was a smoker I'd probably report her to the council...
We have talked a few times about when we will try for a baby again. We definitely won't do anything until after we find out the results of Clem's autopsy, in case it comes back that it is something with me or I/we need further testing. Part of me wants to be pregnant straight away, desperate for a baby and sometimes think maybe it will be comforting or give me something to look forward to. But another part is petrified of feeling like I am replacing Clem and also of going through this all again. I started to feel a little happy about the idea of another baby on Friday, but then it hit me that another baby will never be Clem and it felt like I'd been punched in the heart. What are your feelings about trying again Munch? Towards the end of "You are not Alone" there is a section of peoples stories about having another baby. One (in the beginning of the book) says it was hard going through her due date of the lost baby when she was pregnant. She was grieving the baby that died but then felt bad because she wouldn't be pregnant with the new baby if the other hadn't died. Then there is another story where the mom says she is grateful for her baby that died because had it not been for him she would not have her new baby. There are so many different ways to look at it. Only time will tell us how we'll deal with it. I want to get pregnant straight away but then I feel it's too soon, but waiting feels too long...
We haven't heard from the friends that were due on Boxing Day. Not sure if she's late or if nobody has told us. I'm scared to ask!
I have gone on facebook. I posted a huge update about Clem. How everybody dealt with me on Christmas and everything I have been reading just made me realize that we need to stop hiding. Clem's legacy will be for me to talk about what happened and her as much as possible so that others understand the extent of our grief and that it is a valid grief. I have really only stuck to my update and people's responses (all very touching), too scared to scan through my newsfeed. When I signed on there were four different updates of photos of friends new babies. It is almost like I keep my eyes closed until I get to my status! I went on the SANDS profile, I didn't really find any stories, just a few posts to the right with a few short comments here and there...is that what it's meant to be like or am I missing something?
I should go. xoxo
Last edited by Kirst33; 30-12-2012 at 20:07.
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30-12-2012 23:08 #78Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
Arrrr Kirst & Munch ...
I've been slack again .. Well I did start replying back but then I had to do jobs then forgot to come back n finish it off .. Now it's all out of date..
So where do I start... I've been on holidays .. But not much holidaying or joyous time ... Have been pretty flat.. I've noticed that ill be ok for a couple of days .. Maybe even a week .. Then I'll go flat again.. All the emotions, what if's .. Being envious of seeing pregnant women left right & centre.. Or I can be ok for 5 mins.. Then the next 5 mins my mind wanders and I get all teary.. I generally tell people that i have my good & bad days, & that our baby will be always be in my thoughts so that they know i may have a laugh or i maybe sad.. So ladies your emotions of being up & down I think is normal .. Does it say much in your books about the emotion side of things. Being it Christmas .. The new year ... Or coming up to our due dates making our emotions more like a roller coaster ???? As I'm not having anymore children do u think its still worth a read for me ??
Kirst so sorry to hear that your very thoughtful gift wasn't valued.. Like you say people find it "tabu" to talk about loss, yes it is hard but you still want acknowledgment for what you have experienced & lost.. Even if its a simple " I'm sorry"
So you registered clem's birth?? just not able to get a birth cert?? i know this probably sounds crazy but im envious of your baby making journeys yet to come.. In the fact that I'm at the end of my family making ... Im sure that i wld see a counselor throughout the entire pregnancy & demand that I see obs fortnightly till I was holding my healthy baby in my arms..ladies try not to over think having another baby..
If I was able to try again I would see it as I'm wanting to expand on my family.. Like you say.. You cannot ever replace the child that you lost but just wanting to give them a sibling .. Just like myself wanting to have a third ... I love both my children dearly.. and in the next breathe want to have another not to exclude one of them but to give them a bigger family. I wanted to have 3 children to make my life complete ... Give us happiness and life fulfillment .. Sooo please don't think that having another baby is replacing your angel watching over you..I often wonder if all my pregnancies came to life, how different my life would be.. Wld I even of had my precious 2yo.. Or stopped having babies by choice after 3...
Munch, Try not to bet urself up about the balloon.. The thought was there & I'm sure sky was having a little giggle to herself.. Kinda like mum crying over the spilt breast milk that's taken her an hour to express... We do silly things as parentsI hope I havnt offended you .. Extremely sorry if I have ..
Im heading back to work on the 7th.. Dont really feel like I've recharged myself, and this coming week is getting busy.. Ladies I can only imagine the anxiety that you ladies are feeling in the lead up to returning to work .. What will/ won't people say.. What stupid or insensitive things will people say.. When I first had to leave the house on my own.. I'd always have my ear plugs in listening to my own music.. It kinda helped me feel detached to everyone & thing around me.. I could be alone in my thoughts without having to talk or acknowledge people..
My Christmas was nice.. Didn't have anyone to ask me any awkward questions & didn't have to see my 2 preg cousins, which really helped.. We had a picnic lunch at sandgate.. It was nice and cool as we had the ocean breeze, it was low tide so I took the girls out to have a splash in the waves.. My youngest ruby just loved it my friend gave me a pendant with 3 hearts.. I had a tears in my eyes as I immediately put it on my necklace .. Thought it was super special and very thoughtful..
Hmmm Port Douglas .. Maybe a time to set new goals for the coming year in family, home, holidays .. But then again I know how things work .. Everything hangs in the balance of if.... when you get pregnant.. I do hope that I'd didn't take long fit either of you to become pregnant .. Munch period already ... Friggin sucks huh.. Kirst .. You've ovulated ?? So your period has also returned already ?? It's just another reminder that we're not pregnant but on the other hand if your bodies returning to normal it shld help in becoming pregnant again..maybe you ladies shld keep up your folate or preg tablets as fingers crossed you'll both be preg again soon..
Munch glad you've applied for Skye's birth cert, I'm having printer issues so yet to print out my forms.. Did you apply for the baby bonus ?? I did but havnt received anything yet, will give them a follow up call on the 7th.. Cause of all the confusion at the hospital I'm a little worried still that they won't give it to us.. But we need the money to pay for burying the ashes at the crematorium .. $3500 its going to cost .. Yep. !! It fright annoys me as I had to pay to attempt to have this baby, now I have to pay ( yes I know my choice for crematorium) to bury our baby.. But what if one of the girls were playing with the ashes & it gets knocked over ??
Sorry ladies.. It's late & I'm tired..will post some more tomorrow . xxxx
31-12-2012 11:07 #79-
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
Did you know you get me out of bed some days. When I wake up and check my phone and there is a message to respond to I usually hop out of bed straight away so I get all my thoughts down while they are fresh. That said I usually don't reply for a few hours because I get distracted by some other email when I turn on my computer, but nonetheless, you get me out of bed and moving and right now that is everything.
Grace, I actually think it sucks a bit that your "holiday" time away from work and to relax had to be over the Christmas period and trying to navigate your first holiday season through this pain and without your baby boy. Definitely not relaxing! The book Munch and I are talking about is called "You are not Alone" from the TLC organization and it is a collection of other people who have written down their stories for the book. So it doesn't specifically cover anything, it is mostly just for you to read so you can see that other mom's have gone through this and felt the same way. I have just started a book called "Pregnancy Loss: Surviving Miscarriage and Stillbirth" by Zoe Taylor. That is a bit more organized into many different aspects, why it happens, how often it happens, what to do, etc. and also has other mother's stories included throughout. I have only just started it but imagine there is a section dedicated to dealing with times like these. These are the links for both books:
"You are not Alone" http://www.pregnancylossaustralia.or...p?id=245&pl=12 (if you go to the homepage you can also see where you can donate a bear in Robert's name, these are the bears that Munch and I received, they come with a little tag that says "In memory of 'so and so'" so when you donate one another family in our position will receive a bear in memory of Robert (I went back and read some of your first posts and learned his name).
This is the Zoe Taylor book: http://www.pregnancylossbook.com/zoe...rth._Home.html (I found this via the Stillbirth Foundation Australia's website)
I think both these books, and more are worth a read for you. They will help you feel less alone, most of them only seem to have a small section about pregnancy after a loss, the rest is all stories and facts to help you know that you are not alone. The "You are not Alone" book can be a bit confronting as some parents have chosen to include pictures of their babies so it is up to you with how you think you would handle that.
I don't think though that there is any right way for us to get through these times. We all just have to do what works best for us. Have you tried journaling or just writing letters to Robert? I have found that really helps me.
I think that your Christmas sounded nice. A nice quiet time on the beach with your girls and husband, I hope you had a few smiles and I think you chose to spend it a nice, relaxed as possible way.
In Victoria I cannot register Clem's birth, her gestational age had to have been 20 weeks for her to qualify to be registered as actually having existed. AHHHH!!! Because I was 19 1/2 weeks and she measured at 17 weeks 2 days and was under 400 grams she is called a late miscarriage and not a stillbirth. Regardless of how far along I was though and her weight, gestational age always takes precedence. From what I have read about Robert he is the same, but Queensland obviously has different laws about being able to register the birth. I am not sure how the baby bonus works, if the guidelines are also state-by-state or if it is a federal thing, but I know I do not qualify because of her gestational age.
I like what you said about thinking about another baby as just an addition. I will try to get my thinking to that point!
Like you are jealous of us and our potential for future pregnancies, I am jealous of you, that you have two children and don't have to worry about perhaps never having a baby. We are all in the same boat, just different things haunting our minds!
RE: returning to work. I'm not so scared of what people will say. Since I am a nanny I really only have to deal with the parents and the particular mom I am going back to had four miscarriages before she finally had a healthy baby so she has some understanding as to what I am going through. I am mostly scared of being out on my own, I just feel really vulnerable right now.
I haven't had my period yet, but because I could tell I ovulated last week I am sure it will be here shortly! Ahhhhh!
Regarding Robert's ashes. There are a lot of websites (I've learned through this experience) that have infant urns. With traditional styled urns, the top screws on quite tightly and if you get a box the ashes are in a bag and then the box and you can seal the box with silicon or ask the crematorium to seal it for you (if you know you will never spread them). Anyways, both those options mean that if your girls do accidently knocked his ashes over it is very unlikely that they will spill. I worried about the same thing and having cats. Pictured them getting adventurous, climbing up on whatever shelf and knocking them over. We had decided on a little box on an infant urn website that they engrave for you and then you seal it yourself or ask your crematorium to do it but then we were out shopping and found a pretty little glass box in a random shop, I had it engraved and the funeral home has told us Clem's ashes will be in a bag inside and that we should just seal it with silicone when we get home. Because we don't own a house yet and because we are both from separate countries and don't know where we will end up we have decided we want to keep her with us. We talk about spreading her ashes someplace special but right now we can't think of that place and I actually think I'll never be able to part with her. Would you like the links I had found for the urns?
I should go!
01-01-2013 14:57 #80
Happy New Year to you all. Here’s hoping 2013 is a great year for us all in many different ways. We spent NYE on my dad’s boat watching the fireworks over the city...was different, good though. My dad was really happy (I’m the oldest and the kid that’s not caused them so much trouble so he enjoys spending time with us...favourites much!) and kept going on about how he wants to do this with us every year...and I was just sat there thinking ‘well next year I’m hoping to have a baby on NYE so we won’t be on a boat!’ Anyways!
Period and ovulating – I actually have no idea when I ovulate...and I’m going to sound really stupid but I didn’t even know about ovulating, etc...I’ve downloaded an app for my iPhone, but this is my first natural period from coming off the pill...as I became pregnant about 2 weeks after coming off the pill...so I’m still trying to work it all out...I’m a bit nervous as this period has been weird....normal for first two to three days, then very very light...and I remember I bled a little bit after conception, (which I later worked out that it was maybe implantation bleeding) so right now, I’m a little bit nervous....it’s probably nothing but still. I have been tired and feeling a bit funny in the stomach but that could also be just because I’m exhausted from everything and having late night after late night, and stomach could be something I ate.... I don’t want to go out and get a HPT coz, well last time, we didn’t know what was going on until 8 weeks along, and I know that so much can happen, things like chemical pregnancies, etc so very early on, so I don’t want to test, and then it all not eventuate. I’d rather wait it out a couple of weeks, and have more certainty. I’m talking all about this but it’s very likely to be nothing at all and just a normal period!
Trying for another baby makes me excited, but so very terrified at the same time. I think to myself, I absolutely don’t think I’d be able to cope with having to go through this again...no way...so that’s the negativity of it, along with what you said Kirst, it will never be Skye...but then I think to myself, surely it couldn’t happen again, if I take aspirin surely, surely, surely not... Our doc seems to think that there won’t be anything that comes back as a problem with Skye, and that this whole thing looks like it was just a horrible fluke accident...I think I stress about everything as well now more because we have a bit of a tight time frame....and other things that we have to factor in....DH mentioned the other day that he would like to try again due to us being 28 in 2013....we want to be somewhat young growing with our children...I have my good friends wedding in June in Fiji that I’m wanting to attend, and we have plans to head back to the UK in June/July to see DH’s family...then in 2014 my best friend will be getting married (Jan/Feb – not confirmed yet) and I’m MOH so that means that it would be ideal to have a baby before then...so we have 12 months in an ideal world, otherwise I’d want to only be anything up to 6 months pregnant as MOH...I think anything after that will mean things might start to become difficult in terms of helping her out and stuff...Another thing we have to factor in is the fact that if and when I fall pregnant again, being high risk, my Ob said that I’d be monitored and scanned every two weeks probably...so wondering if I will be allowed to travel to the UK....I don’t think Fiji will be an issue as that trip is only going to be for 3-4 nights....but yeah...
Anyways, enough about that! Sorry for going on and on...
Work – I won’t be going back to full time right away. Starting off at Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 10am – 3pm(ish). They are very very good in terms of returning to work. My boss has said she’ll call me before Monday, then I should call her on Monday morning to let her know how I’m going and if I’m still feeling ok to go in. Then when I arrive, my team (there’s 4 of us in total) will go and grab a coffee somewhere to catch up and basically have them with me when I walk in for the first time. They said that they can meet me and walk in with me as many times as I want...I’m really thinking that the part time will only be for a couple of weeks, I really only think that it’ll be the first week that will be toughest but I won’t push myself...But it’s so good to have such support. As I’m sure you both understand.
I’m sorry about the whole birth certificate thing too; I don’t mean to rub it in. Sometimes I just type away what’s going on, not thinking about how there’s so much difference as Clem was just under 20 weeks! L
Have you told your MIL and mum that you have your husband and some friends that you are talking to and the reason that you aren’t confiding in family is because of their grieving too...if that makes sense? It would be a hard thing to say but if you let them know that you are talking and who to, they might back off a little...
It’s good that you went out to see friends the other night for pizza, Kirst, it would have been hard but you need to think that Clem WOULD want you to be around those that care for you, to keep living life too...she’ll always be there, watching over...ALWAYS!
I’ve just googled Teddy Bear Drives and of course there was a TLC page about it...I’ve emailed for an information kit and really hope to have it all sorted in time for Skye’s EDD (23 Feb) so fingers crossed. Oh and you mentioned about the little tag on the TLC bears that say in memory of...well when the midwife gave me ours, I read it and said hang on, that’s not our baby...that’s wrong...I was so confused....then the midwife explained that it was donated in memory of this baby...whoops!
Have you had any luck in the last couple of days for the cat sitter? Would you take your cat to one of those boarding kennels or something? I don’t know if that’s something you would trust, I don’t know that I could leave our dogs but if we were desperate it might be a different story...
Anxiety, it’s not been so bad, I think having DH around 24/7 is why...he’s nipped off to the cinema to see the Hobbit with a mate at the moment, and I’m doing fine. It’ll just be when I have to go to work I think...I haven’t heard back from my counsellor since I last saw her....I emailed her on about 22nd or 23rd, being a weekend I thought email would be ok, thinking that she’d maybe check that between Christmas and NY but it seems not....oh well, I’m not at breaking point so all should be ok. Just wanted to try and see her before Monday (going back to work)....
Facebook, it is nice receiving the support and condolences from friends....nice to get it out there to bring the awareness...as I mentioned, if you would like to join the group that I am on, just let me know...I think I’ll need to add you as a friend first, then I can add you to the group, but there’s no pressure of course. Just want you to know that the support is there if you would like it...Grace, SJG, anyone that is reading this and has had a loss, I’ll be happy to add too...just let me know...
Grace, how are you going with the up and down of the emotions? Is your husband on holidays at the moment too? I agree with Kirst too, about the book ‘You are not alone’, it’s more about people’s stories, so if you think that would help you get through it might be helpful otherwise it might be better for you to get a book that specifically focuses on coping with loss...I’m still yet to decide about getting any further books...
And Grace, no, no offence about the balloon, I actually smiled a little with your comment about Skye giggling at my silliness and forgetful mind... J And the present that your friend gave you sounds beautiful! I was briefly looking at lockets that you can put some ashes in, my team mate at work found it for me as I said when I met with work that I don’t know about going away because I didn’t like leaving her at home etc....they are quite expensive, when I say that I’m talking about over $200, so right now, unless it goes on the credit card (which I hate hate hate doing) it might just have to wait...
Maybe when our PPL payments start coming through...we chose that over Baby Bonus. Sent everything off on Christmas Eve, so I wonder when that money will start coming through...
Grace, when you say about the confusion at the hospital and maybe not getting Baby Bonus...what confusion??? I might have to go back and re-read your posts if you’ve mentioned it before...sorry if you have...
With regards to ashes too, what Kirst says is true, and we also have Skye in a little plastic bag too (I don’t know yet how I feel about the plastic bag but that’s what she came to us in, (in the teddy bear urn) and I’m not ready or comfortable to transfer her out of it...
Sorry that this is all over the place....I have to be to make sure I don’t miss anything...
Kirst, I’m glad that we can be of help to you...it’s nice to know that all of this is helpful! J
I best be off, have reached 2 and a half pages now...sorry again for the long post...and I’m meant to be vaccing and mopping the floors....I think I’m going to watch Sex and The City 2 first though...
By PuppysMum in forum Constipation, Toilet TrainingReplies: 2Last Post: 18-04-2012, 07:12
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