So, long story short, DSS has ADHD/add/autism- SOMETHING!!!
I have been fighting my husband for two years to get him to see it and take it further.
Finally he starts to see it, brings the issue up with BM and she uummms and aaaahs but can see where I am coming from.
Book into see teacher and a doctor.
BM shows up late to appointment with teacher, dh didn't have a clue wtf needed to be said or asked or the teacher. BM actually had to ask the grade one teacher what "comprehension" meant when I used the word. (seriously!?!?)
Neither BM or dh said any of the right things to the doctor either but I managed to get him to send us to a pead.
Fast forward 3 months-
Night before the pead. Appoint. BM Texts DH and says that I am not wanted at the appointment and I have no right!
DH (again) didn't stand up for me. Didn't just agree with her and take me anyway. NOTHING!!
I am the one who fought for this kid to get help, I am the one that has researched, booked appointments, tried different tactics and ideas.
Given I am his step- mother surely that gives me the right to attend appointments? I'm not a passing fling- I am married to his father, i look after the kid!
We have 50/50 custody (although she never actually signed the paperwork) but its week on week off.
I am at a loss as to why BM would
A) not want to keep someone who cares for her child to be up to speed on all of his issues.
B) show an already insecure child that she can still drive a wedge in between his dad and me.
C) just be such a *** b!tch and exclude the one person who cared enough to do everything they could to get HER child help.
And why would my husband just do what she says? He always does- what about me!?
Slight background : dss is 7.
BM has 3 kids to 3 dads, dss is the middle child. She doesn't actually show she cares. Before custody, she actually considered taking $10,000 to p!ss off out of the kids life- if it weren't for an inheritance she recieved she would have taken it.
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14-10-2012 08:31 #1
What rights do I have?
14-10-2012 09:27 #2-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Sorry your step son is having a rough time. He is lucky he has someone like you in his corner.
I think at a medical appointment like this the BM has every right to say it should be just the birth parents. It doesn't matter what her reason is.
It sounds like the BM is threatened by you taking control of the situation. Perhaps she hasnt stood up yet as she is hopeless. Or perhaps she didn't have to stand up because you were at the previous appointments running things. If you stay behind surely you trust your DH to ensure the appointment goes well? You can get an update afterwards.
Relax, trust your hubby and don't stress yourself out About attending the appointment.
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14-10-2012 10:23 #3
I cant comment on the 'rights' side of things, but is it possible to talk to your DH about what he needs to tell the paed? Perhaps even send him off with a checklist/questions.
I agree with VicPark that the BM could feel threatened by you - you've shown to be smarter than her and that you know her son better than her. (And I mean that as a compliment! You sound like a great mum).
14-10-2012 11:11 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
Sorry, you don't have the right to attend medical appointments if the birth mum says no.
If your DH booked appointments and excluded her...that would not be the right thing either.
Let your them handle it...be supportive and don't cause a rift because you are loosing control of the situation.
Sure, you can be smarter than her...but it certainly sounds like she is trying and having you there talking over her and interupting would not be helping at all.
Sorry, i think you are over stepping the line even though you mean well
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14-10-2012 11:25 #5
I have to agree with VicPark as well.
You really need to trust your dh and bm to be able to sort it out.
I think your dss is really lucky to have you in his corner though, just be there for him and let the parents sort the medical/diagnosis stuff between the two of them.
Being a step mum is so hard especially in situations like you have described.
14-10-2012 12:10 #6
Write down everything that concerns you and all the questions you have. Go through them thoroughly with your dh so really understands what you mean and give them to him to give to the dr or even hand them in before the appointment so that the dr has all the info.
14-10-2012 12:30 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
At the pead, they will do an assessment and then mail it out, ask for 2 copies one to BM and one to you guys so so have all the info on hand.
After the pead if he needs to see a therapist of somekind then let BM/DH take him of they are willing too.
Just make sure your DH keeps copies of any assessments, homework etc so that he can help at home and BM can help on her time.
Your situation sucks, but you can still help DSS if you have all the info via your DH from the appointments.
14-10-2012 13:25 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
and I think you summed up why she doesn't want you there...
it is HER child, not yours. You talk of her with total disrespect and distain and clearly don't like her. You think of her as below you and felt the need to point out that she has kids to different dads (how is this relevant??).
Imagine if you and your DH split up and his new wife was trying to attend medical appointments of your child...you would not have it at all.
Your Dh prob agrees with her...which is why he is not saying he disagrees.
If my ex and I were attending an appointment for DS...i would not take DH and he would not take his wife...some things fall to bio parents. Bio parent and step parent are different (even in my case where DS calls DH daddy and only sees ex 1 night a f/n).
It's not about you.
14-10-2012 14:03 #9
While I think you are an exceptional step mum, I agree with riversong. What you'e done is awesome and sometimes step mums do a lot of work without the glory.
I think you should be proud of what you've achieved for your DSS and just bare the brunt of the harsh reality of step parenting.
I noticed my SS was constantly sniffing a few years ago and took him to the doctor. It turned out he needed all sorts of things done to his nasal passage. No way did I want or expect to go to the ENT specialist just because I'd discovered the problem. I was happy to leave it to DH and BM. I was just relieved he wasn't going to annoy me and sniff constantly anymore! Just get a full report back from your DH and be happy knowing you got the ball rolling.
14-10-2012 15:27 #10
It's great you care so much for your step kid, but unfortunately us step mums have zero &quot;rights&quot; with step kids. Even when we identify a problem or can see a solution.
Eta-just saw the bottom of your op... I'm not sure why it matters that her kids have different dads... So do mine. And what awful person offered her the ten grand!?!? She must have been in a bad spot to consider it.
Last edited by Atropos; 14-10-2012 at 15:31.
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