Just wondering what others opinions are with this topic. Bullying seems to be out of control these days. Why do you think so much of it goes on? I mean people are committing suicide because of it these days. It's so sad!
In my dh's days at school he was encouraged to fight back if he was picked on in which he did. Dh did boxing as a sport, his dad wanted him to be able to defend himself (just want to add that my dh is a very gentle person, just because he did boxing for years didn't turn him into a violent monster) If a child hit him dh would hit him back and this would show that dh wouldn't put up with it and he wouldn't be picked on again by that person but then it was dh that would be in trouble in this situation. When the principal would call in dh's parents it was always dh's dad that would attend the principal's office and have words with the principal and back his son up.
In my days at school I would never stand up to anyone, I always walked away when bullied and the bullying didn't stop. Eventually I left high school because of it.
So now how do we go about this with our ds who is in kindy this year. A few instances he has come home and told me that L**** kicked him or hit him, when asked what he did ds says he didn't do anything but tell the teacher who wasn't really concerned, I guess she didn't see it. So of course when ds repeated that to dh dh explained that he needs to learn to defend himself and if someone hits him hit him back. Ds soon came home and said that he had hit L**** back when he had been hit first so this child no longer hits ds knowing he will fight back. So perhaps it does work but I'm not sure about it happening these days but what else do you do??
Will be interested to hear some fathers views too.
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09-10-2012 13:28 #1
09-10-2012 13:39 #2
Personally (and please don't take this as an attack it's just my personal view) I would never encourage my children to hit someone. I don't feel it is an appropriate coping mechanism at a young age, plus, if your child was to injure this other child, the legal ramifications could be extreme. Regardless of whether he was provoked.
If my son ever comes home from school and tells me he's been bullied, yes I will tell him to stand up for himself. But that does not include bullying back. It means telling the child what they are doing is not ok, telling the teacher, and yes defending themselves physically, but without attacking in return. Self defensive does not need to include hitting back.
I am a karate girl from way back, and as soon as my kids are old enough, I'll be returning, with them. Karate teaches self discipline and blocking and defense techniques.
09-10-2012 13:43 #3
DS was bullied in Pre-primary....I told him to walk away and FOB/my DP/my mother told DS to fight back. Then I started getting reports from the teacher that my DS was the one fighting. So, I parked across from the school and watched my DS during recess/lunch. I saw him getting bullied, I saw him walking away, I saw the kids following him and continuing so then my DS would turn around and hurt them. The teacher would of course only see DS fighting and would punish him.
I confronted the teacher and told DS to keep fighting back. Now that I know he was trying the right thing first, I dont mind him getting physical. I find the physical harm seems to hurt the child less than the emotional damage.
DS is now in yr 2 and isnt being bullied much. Older kids might say something here or there, but its all part of sharing the school yard with so many varying ages. There are not enough teachers on duty to handle bullying at all.
ETA: By fighting back, DS isnt starting massive brawls....no blackeyes or nut shots. He is doing kid stuff like shoving or punching their arm or kicking their leg.
Last edited by London; 09-10-2012 at 14:34.
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09-10-2012 13:50 #4
I tell DD that if she ever sees someone bullying another kid that she should tell the bully to stop and to help the kid being bullied. I personally think it is more effective to have a bully be shamed by his/her peers than for the victim to do anything.
DD has been picked on before and she gets mad, but she's extremely strong-willed and it doesn't get her down too much. I worry more about her being the bully tbh. I would never in a million years encourage DD to hurt anyone, no matter what they did.
09-10-2012 14:05 #5-
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We haven't really had anything too huge happen, DD1 is in year one.
At her school bullying is taken really seriously and they have very strict policies in place so whenever she has mentioned something to me and said the teacher on playground duty brushed it off or whatever because they didn't really see it I have just talked to her class teacher who has had a chat to the class about bullying and what it means to be a friend etc. and the problems have stopped.
We've taken this approach about three times now and it's worked each time.
DD2 was bullying a little boy at pre-school and pre-school spoke to me about it. I was horrified and we had several discussions about it with her and kept in contact with the pre-school etc. and DD2 is no longer a bully (thankfully).
I encourage my children to stand up for themselves, and then when that doesn't work I go to the teachers and talk to them. I won't encourage my children to fight.
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09-10-2012 14:13 #6
Just reading through the replies I realise that the whole "I wont encourage my child to fight/hurt others" etc. makes me sound bad. I just want to remind parents out there that more often than not, when a child tells the teacher the teacher will say something along the lines of "find someone else to play with" or "did you use your words?". Honestly, I am willing to bet almost anything that MOST of the teachers 'handle' bullying in the playground in this way. Its not until someone gets physically hurt that they suddenly have to respond and realise its bad.
DS got sent to the office for peeing in the bushes. Wasnt until AFTER his punishment that I was informed and I went to the shcool. I saw DS was upset and talked to him. DS was in tears telling me that a group of children would not let him go past the gate to where the toilets were and were laughing saying he was going to wet his pants, so DS peed in a bush rather than wet his pants. Where was the duty teacher? On duty somewhere else in the massive school. How did the teacher find out? The kids dobbed on him and the teacher asked DS. DS said "yes I did but..." and was instantly sent to the office.
Teachers cant always police the school grounds same as child care workers cannot watch every child in their room. Im sorry but its naive to think that the duty teacher can solve every single problem that the kids come up to them and tell them about. I can understand why "find someone else to play with" is the easier option than chasing down a bunch of kids to see if they are willing to admit they were bullying.
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09-10-2012 14:17 #7
London, you don't sound like a bad parent at all! That's crazy, you were doing what you had to do to make sure your little guy got through this!!
I will not be teaching my children to walk away at all, and will encourage them to stand up for themselves, verbally and physically... but not to hurt or hit, that's all. You can be defensive without attacking.
Whatever got your little guy through it was what he needed to do, and you've done a great job
09-10-2012 14:25 #8-
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London I agree, playground duty teachers have told DD1 to go and find someone else to play with many times. So when she comes home and says 'this happened to me today' I give her strategies to use to try the next day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't I go to the school and grab her teacher before class and talk to her about what is going on and she takes care of it.
I don't believe you're a bad parent, but I won't be teaching my child to respond to bullying with a physical defence...and so far the way we've been tackling it has had a great response.
09-10-2012 14:30 #9
it's a really tough call. I feel sick London at what your little boy went through. That is SO mean. I think I'll be telling the boys to yell really loudly "I AM BEING BULLIED AND I NEED AN ADULT"
How did the school respond to the bullying of your son? Our school would have definitely had a word to the other kids.
09-10-2012 14:55 #10
Ive taken it into my own hands now. I work at after school care at my sons school now and most of the kids go there. I can keep an eye on the older kids without being DS 'mummy who has to fight his battles for him'. I think its important for the kids to know that the parents will step in if needed (im not afraid to confront a bully or his parents when needed) but the kids need to be able to be able to handle it themselves when possible. I dont want to chase DS around and fight his battles for him, but often the bigger kids just need to see the actual face of the adult behind the child they're bullying.
(reading this back it sounds terrible Lol I cant put it into words properly.)
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