I like OJandM's call - 'more than happy for you to take the kids so I can do that'.
Otherwise tell them to shut their trap!
It's incredibly insensitive but unfortunately as PP said even other SAHM's do it.
Sometimes the best thing is to work out a way to manage these kinds of comments so they don't bother you - something like a voice in your head that says 'WFT would you know' as you smile politely.
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02-10-2012 07:16 #11
02-10-2012 07:35 #12Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
Several years ago when my first 2 were young (they're now 12 and 10) my mother would say things like you mentioned in your first post, and I found it incredibly insulting. I think they really do forget what it was like and don't realize how insensitive their remarks are. A couple of months ago she took care of my younger 3 while I had to go away for a few days and when I got back she said she thought I really needed extra help in the house as it was so hard to maintain with the amount of washing etc required (I have 5 children 12 and under).
The thing is, there ARE people who do seem to be able to keep on top of things but often there is more to it - they either do have a cleaner who comes regularly or their partner really does assist in the housework. Some of us have neither. I've learnt to deal with the essentials - clean washing, plenty of food available, clean dishes to eat from and a relatively clear area to live in. The rest often goes by the wayside.
I admit to envy of other people's houses which seem so clean and tidy by comparison. I did used to get quite wound up about it, but you can only do what you can do and at some stage you have to accept what you are capable of doing, or make changes that will help you get to where you want to be.
We all have different priorities and a spotless house shouldn't really be top of the list, especially if you have several little ones.
02-10-2012 08:03 #13
Oh I feel this too. People are so judgmental especially family. I think family think its ok to be nasty because being related. Don't worry my sister often at least 2 times a week will comment on my house, hers is spotless but mine well, I let my kids play with their toys and use paint craft etc (oops I'm judging now).
If your husband really thought it was bad he would do something, I think he is just being selfish and knows this and feels bad so takes it out on you instead.
You are doing an amazing job!
02-10-2012 08:17 #14
Bhahaha conversation I had this morning with DH
He's holding DD, I just made coffee and I say 'oh I think she needs a nappy change'
Mind you he changes one nappy every few days I am a sham and do everything except the yard work and washing the dog. Anyway his reply
'You know I HAVE to work AND wash the dog today right?'
Needles to say I looked at him and two seconds later he was up heading for the nappy change station...
I don't expect much as I knew as a sham it's considered my job to look after baby clean the house and take care of the finances but its 24/7 and if I ask for 10 min off it shouldn't be a deal.
I don't let people put me down I know how hard I work and DH is generally very appreciative. I love being home and skrew everyone else who thinks I'm twiddling my thumbs watching day time tv all day...
02-10-2012 09:18 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
- Among the gumtrees
I also think it's our generation that have it the hardest - as a pp said, our mothers were judged on mothering by how clean the house was - we realise it's actually how well adjusted the kids are. And so we are judged by BOTH guidelines. Our childrens generation will have little emphasis on the housework (it will be more common to outsource that).
When i was pregnant with #2, my sweet caring big sister (40+ and childless) posted a comment on my facebook page stating "You know bub, i've got my doubts about how you are going to cope with two!" And the comment was "liked" by my childless aunt. I was pretty ****ed off about that, but i got revenge as she offered to babysit both my kids when my husband and i went away for a week. Mum said she called in to visit on the second day she goes "She looked like she understands now! It was 4pm and she hadnt dressed or done her hair, the place was a bomb site and she was looking very overwhelmed and teary!" LOL.
02-10-2012 11:14 #16
To the op. Yes i have a 2yo and a 3.5mth old and will have a clean house 90% of the time. Whilst i understand your frustration - i get cheezed when i get told i need to spend time with my children more than cleaning. The saying that only boring mums are house cleaning irritates me to no end.
I do spend heaps of time with my kids- but i also have a clean house. But thats me and my house!
02-10-2012 11:50 #17Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
03-10-2012 05:46 #18Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
one of the PP nailed it..LOL yep i think im so good in many other ways so why do i have to have a tidy home....to me its lame considering all my other ace atttributes LOL!!! but i also get frustrated some days myself when i want to tidy up but simply dont get a chance and it reallllllllllly irritates me if i start a job but cant finish it....i just find it a joke that suddenly when your home DH does even less even tho im busier than ever....i so hope my DD is beyond all this when her time comes.....
03-10-2012 06:38 #19
I don't really cop it about my house because I am a bit of a clean freak and i keep a clean house (also doesn't mean my kids aren't well adjusted). But I do get the odd comment from people about getting a job. Actually my brother said the other day that I needed to get a life and get a job. I was relly offended because his gf works and her DS goes to daycare full time, thats fine by me, I don't care what they do with their child BUT I sacrificed ALOT to stay home and raise my babies. They are the most important thing in my world, not making money to buy meaningless crap IYKWIM...
My hubby respects what I do though thankfully. But I also get alot of help from him around the house too because he knows what I do is hard.
I do think its ridiculous that people need to judge a SAHM on the cleanliness of the house, like that matters... I would leave your hubby home alone all weekend with the kids and tell him to look after them, and keep the house clean whilst doing meals etc etc and see how he goes... Maybe then he would respect how much work goes into it
03-10-2012 06:44 #20
The way I see it, there are 2 separate 'jobs'. Mothering, which involves looking after the children, and housemaid which involves cleaning. I'm a Stay at Home Mum. Not a Stay at Home Maid. Washing, making beds and such is part of looking after the kids so I do that regularly. Cleaning out the cupboards, washing windows, and scrubbing out the oven is not mothering. So those kinds of jobs are shared between me and DH.
And when DH is home he is expected to help. If he tried the, 'but I've been working all day, I don't want to do more work now I'm home' line then I'd point out that if he considers helping with the kids 'work', then by his own definition I too have been working all day.
Same logic is pointed out to parents/inlaws. And If they are rude enough to complain about my house, then it says more about their manners (or lack of) than anything. "In my day mothers were expected to keep the house spotless dear." my reply: "Well in my day it is considered rude and ungracious to make negative comments about others houses."
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